Human Stupidity
The Barber
The Bible in 50 Words!
The Locked Car
God's Time is Not Our Time
author unknown
My mother taught me religion - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me time travel - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me logic - "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me foresite - "make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me irony - "keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of osmosis - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about contortionism - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me stamina - "you'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me the circle of the life - "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." My mother taught me about behavior modification - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about envy - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Human Stupidity
author unknown
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well, duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (And you thought...?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't that save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate on machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: may cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmans lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to... what?)
On Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbur's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents on this one.)