Rebekah 201: Useless Stuff
Photographs
Roy: October 2004
Song: Billy Joe McGuffey - Chris Rice
Ok, I'm a little less morbid today. Who can be morbid when singing Billy Joe McGuffey? Anyhoo. The hay ride wasn't too bad. But really, is hay necessary? I suppose it is better than poison ivy. My aforementioned no-strategy strategy isn't working. I'm thinking I should just give up on that project. It's having too many side effects. Not on me, strangely enough, but on other people. Today I'm going to work on getting my priorities straight. My social life is getting an overdose while my academic life is barely hanging in there. Sure, I still have A's (as far as I know), but I'm having to do some major cramming to keep them. So should I be invited to play pool this afternoon, I'm just going to have to say 'no.'
10/25/04
Song: Peace in the Valley
I almost stepped on a banana peel on the sidewalk. How ridiculous is that? Last night at church, one guy led the song "As the Life of a Flower." Both my brother and my mother began crying. But I didn't. I use to. It made me think about Ms. Lura. Now I feel calloused to death. 'O death, where is thy sting.' I have a feeling that I won't die of natural causes either. I don't know when. But I think it might be in the next few years. I've never fit in here anyway. But I can't rob myself of life now just because I suspect its future absence. I think that is one thing my family doesn't understand. * * * How are you suppose to address thank you cards to a large group? Taint easy you know. Okay, why can't I just verbally say ' thank you' and it be over with? I guess it doesn't work that way. I've always been made to write thank you notes for as long as I can remember. I still haven't figured out the 'proper' format. And I, being picky, have to write and rewrite it several times to sound right. So adding revision time and procrastination (which I am now doing), thank you notes take way too long to write.
10/22/04
Song: Piano Concerto 1 - Largo - Beethoven
I'm wearing all black today. I just felt like it. I'm wondering to the extent my life will be changed hereafter. Shall I be forever sheltered? Kept on a leash? I guess time will tell.
10/21/04
Song: Piano Concerto 1- Rondo: Allegro scherzando - Beethoven
I like the third movement better than the second, which I am learning. I probably wouldn't like it if it was my assigned piece. That's how it works. I think I'm too competitive. Although I've stated this before, it is starting to interfere with my social interactions. I've got to learn how to lose without all the frustrated sound effects. Learning how to lose...this was definitely not on the projected agenda. Changing the subject to another (but related) game...I find it to be more challenging as time progresses. It may have been too easy in the beginning, but now I'm actually having to develop strategy. Perhaps it is the strategy that is throwing it off. When I wasn't trying, no problem. Yes...the strategy must be the variable.
10/20/04
Song: Candle In the Wind - Elton John
My watch died sometime between 10 and 11. I already bought a new battery, so it's not like I can remember exactly what time it was. Wow, and they even set the time. How thoughtful. I've got two more tests to study for. Somehow I don't really care that much. One I can drop and the other can be pulled up if I bomb it. I'm still reading Northanger Abbey. Chapter 15, I believe. Wonderful book. Reminds me of my own life. I need some gummi bears. That would make me feel better.
10/19/04
Song: Nowhere Man - Beatles
Where is a Beatles CD when you need it?! Anyway. I feel a little bit better. I finally reached what I think was my breaking point. It happened last night at supper. Or maybe it was during prayer. It was some time in there. But I finally cried. It wasn't great timing, but I'm somewhat relieved. * * * 3:35 pm. Fire alarms, pool, chemistry. What do all these things have in common? Very little, really. But I must say today has been interesting. It has been established that I can't tell the difference between a 6 and a 9 and that my method of breaking is "Aww." It's funny that we can be friends again like this. Yes, there were a few years when I had a crush on him, but I think it's gone. I hope it's gone anyway. I don't need any other problems.
10/18/04
Song: Green Eyes - Coldplay
My flower died. That's why I don't like flowers. They're pretty for a while and then they die. Like I said before, flowers were meant to be attached to their roots in the ground. Why do people pick them? It just makes them die. Why do people drive wrecklessly? Why have I driven wrecklessly before? We are not immortal. It takes death to realize that. Obviously.
10/17/04
Song: El Shaddai - Amy Grant
Today is my grandmother's 80th birthday. I also had a conversation with a surprisingly intelligent second grader, which I thought was pretty cool in itself. I'm not really good with children, so it shocks me when they attach themselves to me. Of course, when you're 8 years old, you don't consider yourself a child. I probably didn't anyway. So, no offense to all you 8 year olds out there. I have recently found that losing my father causes people to be nice to me. Although it's good to be nice, pity and sympathy shouldn't be the sole reason for it. There is a girl at my church who has recently gone through nearly the same thing I am going through now. In a way, I'm glad to know that someone really does understand. But I also feel bad for feeling that way because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
10/16/04
Song: Charity - Jennifer Knapp
I think I'm about to reach the breaking point. I just hope I'm by myself when it happens. Today I found out that someone told the man whose son was in the same accident to leave the funeral. I was so angry. I know his son didn't mean to do that. Why does part of my family feel like they have to take it out on him? If my dad had been told before the wreck that someone would die, he would have wanted the boy to live. Daddy wasn't selfish.
10/15/04
Song: Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw
I have learned something profound through all of this. "Now" is all that exists. The past no longer exists and the future never will exist. I've always been fascinated with time travel. Jack Finney, the Twilight Zone, the Sci-fi channel... But it's not real.
10/14/04
Song: Precious Memories
I really don't know what to say. Everyone keeps telling me to cry and let it all out, but I can't. I won't. Not yet anyway. Someone has to keep our family together. God will.