How to be an ASTROPAL�!

The authors accept no responsibility for any of the consequences due to the actions listed herein.  This page is not meant to be taken seriously.  If you do, you deserve everything that happens to you.  Don't be stupid--please do not attempt any of these at any of the star parties.

Being an ASTROPAL� is a tremendous responsibility, especially at the local star parties held in your neighborhood.  To be an effective ASTROPAL�, you should follow the simple guidelines listed below:

1. It is important that you make a big entrance to let other stargazers know you have arrived at the star party.  As you drive into the parking lot, make sure to blare some loud and obnoxious music through your subwoofers, to the point of distortion.  Turn your high beams on, so that you will not be mistaken for an ordinary run-of-the-mill star party animal.  As you park, proudly honk your horn several times to make sure people know you have arrived. This ensures that everyone there will know you are there, ready for action.

2. If you can, borrow an old car with oil leakage problems.  The blue smoky nebular exhaust will certainly be a welcomed addition to the many telescopes.  The fancy telescopes' optics need to be coated on occasion with a thin layer of oily smoke.  For more fun, leave the engine on while setting up for the party.

3. You may find it difficult to navigate through the crowds of people and telescopes in the dark, so bring a flashlight.  Always use Mag-Lite� flashlights for star parties.  Not the small red ones, mind you, but the ones that take 8 "D"-cells.  The awe-inspiring  white beacon will be handy in identifying people in the dark.  If you can, set up a "disco" xenon strobe light near your car, so that you will be able to find your way back.

4. There will be many telescopes set up already, but as an ASTROPAL�, it is your duty to help them align any scopes that are temporarily unattended.  If the telescope is on a tripod equatorial mount, be sure to adjust the legs by turning the whole tripod around anywhere from 5 to 355 degrees. Also, be sure to align their sighting scopes by turning the little alignment screws a few times clockwise or counterclockwise--it doesn't matter which way.

5. Make sure to check their lenses to see if they are working properly.  Use your fingers and rub across them repeatedly to make sure they are there.  Be sure to eat something greasy, like fried chicken, before attending the star party.  Lubricated lenses are happy lenses!  For added fun, bring little dot stickers and stick them over the eyepieces.  This bit of mirth will have the scope owners scratching their heads for hours.

6. There may be lots of trash accumulating from the people at the star party.  If you cannot find a trash can in the dark, be sure to make use of the large cylinder-shaped Dobsonian telescopes.  The owners won't even mind that you are cleaning up the park!  If you are smoking a cigar, be sure to use the Dobs as an effective ashtray!

7. If you don't own a telescope, it's okay.  ASTROPALS� don't need telescopes.  If you have a large cardboard tube about 2 to 3 feet in length, duct tape it onto a stick in the ground and fasten a smaller cardboard tube near the top, like some of the Newtonian scopes.  Most party-goers will not be able to tell the difference--they'll think something is wrong with their eyes, especially if you keep insisting that it is focused at Uranus.  For added fun, ink the small tube's opening--the gag will be a hit at the party!

8. When viewing through other people's telescopes, be sure to grab hold of the scope itself, so that you will not lose your balance while peering through the eyepiece after a few beers.  The fried chicken-laden fingers will aid in lubricating the eyepiece lens.

9. Need a place to put your used chewing gum or tobacco?  The unattended eyepiece is an excellent depot for your post-masticated resins.

10. Finally, for your big exit from the star party, make sure you have your music blaring, your high beams on, and your empty beer bottles stashed safely behind the tires of other cars, as you proudly plow through a row of large telescopes.

You will be the life of the star party!  You will be an ASTROPAL�!