April 19, 2007
What a beautiful day outside! I looked out the window this morning and thought, "well, what's this blue sky stuff I see?" It's been a while since the sky's been blue. It's a nice change. It helped give some confidence for my final exam that I wrote. Certainly didn't study as well as I would've hoped to (riiiiiiiiiiight... I should know how the rise of modernity affected Christianity!), but hey, it's over! And I'm done my undergrad!

"Amazing still is seems" that I'm now done my undergrad. I went to the SLC to put in a cheque, picked up my weekly Echo, considered getting Timmies, all very normal. Then I went to PAS, checked my mail in one of the first floor labs, read my Echo on the second floor area waiting for Elaine, and chatted with her in the research area, and still it seemed very normal. After that, I walked home - out PAS, down Ring Road to the engineering side, jay walked University, strolled across the UWP drive, and back into Wellesley South.

Just another regular day.

And I suppose it really was. Except it was the last day of this regular stuff. I can't believe I've been doing this for the past five years, and more amazed still that it's over.

I guess I should take down my posters and cards down now and pack away the computer. Then I'll be back in Mississauga again, back in my own room, starting new things with my life and with Waterloo becoming a distant memory.

It's been a good five years. Truly. Lots of things learned, lots of things still to contemplate.

Thank you, Waterloo, for all the lessons learned.

SONG OF THE MOMENT

When all I have is on the floor
Divided, divided
When I'm a world away from peace
Behind Your eyes is where I know
I'll find it, I'll find it
Cause who You are defines my dreams

You already take me there
Heaven in the here and now

When I'm a broken-hearted man
Complacent and tired
When I've been knocked out of the race
I've been a fool for long enough
To fight it, to fight it
It's in Your arms I find my place

You meet me where I am
Forgive where I am

Where I lose myself in grace
(Where I'm lost and found)
I want to lose myself in grace
Let Your love reign down all over me
Cover me

"You Already Take Me There," Switchfoot (from Learning to Breathe)
This one popped into my head as I strolled the halls of Tyndale last weekend. It was as if I got in already and belonged. A really good feeling. I'm excited for ending my undergrad, and starting a new part of my life. And the best part is that God's already there.

April 18, 2007
I'm suddenly awash with a funny feeling.

Not sure if it's being bored of studying for my final exam, having just packed some more stuff for home, anticipating new chapters from Carikube and Ginger Ninja, receiving confirmation e-mails from Tyndale about my application, realizing that it's my last full day in Waterloo, or lacking sleep. Probably a combination of all of the above.

In any case, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Lie down for a while? Stare out the window? Stare at my computer? Study some more? I guess the anticipation of a new beginning can do that to a person. I don't think this feeling will last, but it's interesting to be in the middle of it. "It just takes some time, little girl. You're in the middle of the ride. Everything's gonna be alright." Yeah.

Well, maybe more coherently (honestly, I don't feel very coherent lately) and usefully (instead of blah, blah, blah), studying about modern Christianity has helped me clarify just what kind of Christian I am. Definitely not fundamental. Slightly evangelical. Really digging the liberal theology. Is there a swing back to social justice and liberalism, or is it just me? I also really enjoyed how the text echoed Oscar Muriu's message at Urbana, of how the West really needs to come to the realization that places like Africa and Latin America are becoming the main centres of Christianity, and that we should begin relying on them. Definitely the prevailing need among North American churches today.

That's it for now. Maybe I'll update tomorrow too, give this whole Waterloo and "fifth chapter" thing a good capper before I move on to bigger and scarier things. :o)

April 17, 2007
Here are my rambling thoughts of the Virginia Tech shootings.

I go on the Toronto Star website, and am not surprised, but still disappointed, to see the way they painted the picture of the shooter Cho Seung-Hui. "Weird," "had troubling signs," "was a loner," and so goes the story. While that's probably all well and true, you've got to wonder: why didn't anyone do anything about it before he was driven to commit such a horrendous crime?

I was reminded of this thing I scribbled down when I was obsessed with the song "John Wayne Gacy Jr." by Sufjan Stevens back in December. "No one asked, so no one could tell of the reasons for horrors." You see it again and again - Columbine; Taber, Alberta; Paradise, Pennsylvania; Dawson College - always that searing why in the aftermath, and the finger pointing. There's a shake of the head, and then nothing - until, of course, it happens again. The cycle then repeats. And repeats.

Of course, I'm no saint. I'm not the first one to reach out to the "weirdos" and "losers" in the world. What is beautiful is good, and what is ugly - well, we'll just ignore the ugly stuff. But as Christians, shouldn't we be compelled to reach out to the outcasts, the rejected, the unwanted, and the ugly? I wonder if anyone even tried for Seung-Hui. I bet not.

I wish the Star didn't profile Seung-Hui as the typical raging, strange, and deranged madman, but the media is good at perpetuating stereotypes and it helps readers deal with rather inexplicable tragedy into a nice, neat box. "Oh, of course, he was a loner. That makes sense, then." None of us want to fit into a box, really. But we fit each other into them. This goes out to the poor ("lazy"), the unemployed ("lack skills"), the mentally ill ("creepy"). But, well, I won't go there for now.

What I'd like to see are people coming to their senses and starting to actually pay attention to the world around them. And this is especially important for the Christians, since we are charged with the task of doing God's work in the world. I've been challenged in recent times to really partner with God in His redemptive work, and Virginia Tech is just another example that this redemptive work is a huge and daunting task, but not impossible.

In times like these, we need to believe that God seeks the welfare of everyone, and that more importantly, we play a role in bringing this to the world.

SONG OF THE MOMENT

This one's about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
He put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

He said, "I've seen you here before
I know your name.
You could have your pick
Of pretty things.
You could have it all
Everything at once.
Everything you've seen,
Everything you'll need,
Everything you've ever had in fantasies."

"You've one life, you've one life.
You've one life left to lead."

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I've never seen
With golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don't think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?

What direction?
What direction?
I'm splitting up!
I'm splitting up!
This is my personal disaffection

What direction? What direction?
What direction now?

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
My golden eyes were dead
And a thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can't really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold

What direction?
Death or action!
Life begins at the intersection

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With her night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
And what was once routine was now the perfect joy

You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead

"Faust, Midas, and Myself," Switchfoot (from Oh! Gravity.)
This song keeps haunting me lately. Jon's song writing always wins me over, even if the albums don't seem as impressive at first. "You've one life left to lead." "And what was once routine was now the perfect joy." Beautifully put.

April 12, 2007
Did I mention how Facebook has taken over my life? I suppose Facebook does that to a person, huh? Why do we all have these stalker tendencies in us? In fact, writing about this has driven me to look for updates on my Facebook. And... there are. Well, isn't my life edified now?

Anyway, Facebook is making me neglect this site. Well, I also don't have too much insight lately. My brain doesn't seem to function as optimally as I'd like nowadays. I still blame the minocycline that gave me those dizziness and nausea back in 2005. It's like I'm still on them, or feeling the effects of them, to this very day. Especially in the afternoons. But anyway, I'm babbling.

So school is ending in a week. Last chance to catch up with people (like with my study buddy Manika, who's going back to Singapore for the summer!), eat ghetto student dinners with Marianne (well, we don't eat that ghetto - we actually make fresh food! like tacos, from a box!), study my face off after procrastinating my butt off, go to psych lab meetings, lay in my rez bed, choose from 3 tubs of ice cream for dessert, watch A&E, TBS, and all them channels my dad doesn't subscribe to, be away from my family... life changes after this. I'm going to miss university life. I really am.

There are still so many things not finalized even as I graduate. Like grad school. Or getting a summer job. Both come haunting my mind every other hour or so. I just wish I could get them over with. There's no longer a schedule (i.e. co-op student battling with JobMine) to push me along in finding employment, nor group deadlines (i.e. OUAC) to get me further along on my application. I suppose I could really get down and dirty with it in a week's time, but I've never been patient. Oh well. Gotta accept my limitations. Thus is my life at the moment.

Oh, so I feel like I need to say that the episode "Simon Said" of Supenatural today is probably one of the better episodes of the series. So good that I rewatched it over watching the new CSI (well, at least new to me). Jared gets the vision scenes better than first season (not so contrived), and Jensen, well, he's just a good actor (at least between Sam and Dean). The plot was pretty cool too, with mind control and stuff (e.g. "Can I have your car?" "Sure, go for it!"). And of course, the Metallicar. Gotta love the Metallicar.

Um, that's it. I've got my last day at placement tomorrow, and I gotta answer community calls. Better be in my prime. Take care, kids!

April 1, 2007
So I finally went to a Catholic mass today - I've always wondered what it was like. Unfortunately, it turned out that my friend who was supposed to take me was sick, so I sat in the mass by myself. It was a good way to really seek God's face in the midst of a new environment, though.

Mass was actually more similar to Sunday service than I'd imagined, although there were the scripted responses, the kneeling, and the Passion/Palm Sunday procession (I thought that was really cool). Also, I really liked how children are incorporated for at least part of the service, and not separated in another service like at my home church. Actually, a lot of places of worship do that (Elevation, the Greek Orthodox church I went to in 2005, and the synagogue too). It feels more like a family event. The homily was short - that part, I like longer, so that you actually get to soak the teaching a little more. Oh, and I didn't go up for a blessing during communion today. But I think I will next time I go to mass.

As I was walking home with my palm leaf after mass today, I thought about how quickly the celebratory atmosphere of Jesus' arrival turned into such a violent place that condemned him to death. And I can't help but think about whether I've turned so quickly as well. I don't think I've outright condemned Jesus, but have instead ignored him and tried to live life on my own. It drives home the fact that we need his grace and mercy to redeem the darkness within.

Anyway, I think going to mass was an excellent idea. It started my week off in the right mindset of reflecting more on Jesus' death and resurrection, something that wore off during the past 34 days of Lent. Thank you, Lord, for the reminder of what you've done for me.