January 22, 2007

Sadly, we now live in an age of meaningless, knee-jerk penitence. Remorse and redemption – this is the calculus we superimpose on disgraced public figures, whether they regret what they did or just regret the fallout (it's almost always the latter).

And so these rituals are nothing more than cheap charades. Apologies are mass-produced like widgets inside damage-control factories. "I'm sorry" has become about as genuine as "Good morning" or "Thanks for holding."

"Isaiah? Shut up and act" - Vinay Menon, Toronto Star

I've been praying through the Anglican Common Book of Prayer lately, and I'm currently concentrating on a section on penitence. It's probably one of the hardest things for me to do: to repent and change. I think I consciously block out areas that I need to repent in so that I don't have to do anything about it. I allow myself to slide into apathy.

It's funny how the opposite response can lead to the very same apathy. Sometimes, saying "sorry" just slips out with no thought of actual change. It's just the quick response to sort of justify your actions and move on with the rest of your life. More often, though, "sorry" is accompanied by some excuse or reason for having done the action so that the impact of the action is lessened, but only in our own minds. Instead of aiming for genuine apology, our ultimate goal is comfort for ourselves - comfort from guilt, shame, and embarassment. We are certainly quite the comfort-seeking, apathetic society.

Then you read this prayer, and can't help but feel jolted:

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father, We have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep, We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts, We have offended against thy holy laws, We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable offenders. Spare thou them, O God, which confess their faults. Restore thou them that are penitent; According to thy promises declared unto mankind in Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake, That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life, To the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

I'm still striving for that kind of penitent attitude where I consider myself a "miserable offender." It's psychologically sound to try and improve your self-esteem by glossing over the bad stuff you've done (like attributing it to your context à la fundamental attribution error), but spiritually unhealthy to deny your sin. For me and most of us, the scale needs to tip a little more to recognizing your sin AND committing to change.

That's my two cents of the week.

January 15, 2007
Okay, so it was a snow day, and I effectively wasted the entire day like it was a weekend. But anyway, I got my Urbana entry done. It was useful to go over everything again, just to boil down some main messages to really take to heart. Make yourself a cup of coffee, because it'll take a while to read. Here goes...

I suppose I really should process through what I went through this time around at Urbana. Definitely not as fresh as the last time, but nonetheless, there were lessons to be learned.

The City of St. Louis
There’s a historical feel to the city, with the majestic old courthouse, flourishes of a Roman kind on many buildings. I took a few pictures just of the interesting architecture in the city. There were even lions spewing steam from a building. Yet it felt very much like a ghost town. Where were the people? Possibly hiding from the delegates, but still unnaturally quiet without the delegates. It’s a study of an urban phenomenon, Most restaurants closed by 6pm, few wandering in the city: some businessman, a few panhandlers, a trickle of motorists, that’s it. It’s sad seeing a historic city go to waste. A sign of gentrification rumbling underneath.

Theme: "Live a Life Worthy of the Calling"
It was a very social justice-oriented week, with a special AIDS/HIV extended session (and even a special-er message from Bono about ONE... appeals that this generation requires are a little sad to see). Anyway, I thought it was funny how it was lining up with my growing passion for social justice. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m aligning with God’s calling.

A Special Meal
During our time there, we had one meal where we ate a corn-soy blend that is given in situations of famine or emergency, and also to AIDS patients who cannot otherwise eat. I remember how it stuck to my throat and made me want to cough, and by the end of the bowl, I was very much ready to not eat the rest. Yet this was what our brothers and sisters in dire straits will long to eat. Something I’m still grappling with.

Bible Expositions on Ephesians
I loved Ajith Fernando’s expositions. Truly enlightening stuff. Also, the accordion of a manuscript Bible study helped greatly. Some points that I took away:

1. Jesus is the atmosphere in which we live
2. God hasn’t given up on the world. Why should we?
3. A poor woman once said, "all this, and Christ also?" We just don’t realize our wealth.
4. Apologize for the wrongs of generations before as if it was your own wrongs. It’s the pathway to reconciliation.
5. If you’re not doing your work, the church is poorer for it.
6. Victory is sure, but we have to fight.
7. You can’t out sin God’s grace!

Bible Studies
They were okay. The first 2, my roomies (Angela, Betty, and Grace) went the same room, then we went to a different room, then we had our last one in our own room, waiting for people to deliver luggage. They weren’t as powerful as the expositions, but I learned a lot from them too.

1. Faith in Jesus is connected to loving people.
2. There is a redemptive work going on in all of creation.
3. Stop being a business, and start being a family.
4. Following the Lord is a productive enterprise. It has constructive fruitfulness.
5. The church should look like a rehab, not a waiting room. People should work towards getting "better."
6. Individual sins affect the community. They are never private.
7. Taking off the old self and putting on the new requires a daily effort.

Global Connexions
didn’t check out every booth like I tended to do last time. I went with intention, asking about Canadian opportunities in working with immigrants and refugees. Here is what I found out:

TEAM: Talked with Canadian rep Charles McCordic who gave me the most useful info. TEAM focuses on overseas outreach, so after answering my questions about YSM and other stuff, he walked me over to SIM, where they have more in-country ministires.

SIM: Mark chatted with me about establishing cross-cultural churches through different ministries. Not sure if MCBC is ready for it, but the thought is lovely. I later found out that Wayne Matthews from Perspectives gave me Brian Seim’s information (he’s one of the heads of SIM) back in the day, so it’s interesting to see things come full circle. Maybe God is pulling me this way? It's certainly an intriguing work they do...

Salvation Army: I wanted info, but they gave me a beanie and made me sign up for an iPod. I tried again, and they sent me to the Canadian rep. They mainly work with urban youth, so the fit doesn’t seem the best. The cool program is out in B.C. too, so that’s another check on the “no” side. But it’s nice to see what’s out there.

World Relief: They have a refugee resettlement program! But in the States. I think they mentioned Matthew House? Or was that the TEAM guy? Anyway, The Canadian arm of World Relief is mainly a funding organization, and is non-operational. But the friendly folks there assured me that I can have visits in Illinois (closest state) if I’m in town.

Regent College: Incarnational living. "Stay at Regent!" Social justice orientation. Sounds like a dream for sure. The rep Sarah said that UBC has a 1-year MSW program, and would compliment a diploma done at Regent nicely. However, in my days back in Ontario, I think I’ve shot down the idea of going to Regent. For now, anyway. I think it’s best to stay in town so that I can serve in my own community.

ELIC: I saw "teaching English," so I stopped by. While I’m not much interested in going to Asia, the MA in Intercultural Studies with TESOL at Wheaton College sounds awesome. And it’s tuition free. But they need GRE scores, so that rules it out for now. And again, I want to serve locally. However, I was reminded that it’s the PROCESS that’s important, not the end goal. If going to Tyndale is all a "big mistake," I’ll be a wiser person for it.

Plenary Sessions
Lots of great speakers, of course. Here are the highlights of the plenary sessions.

Oscar Muriu:

• Take the posture of learning
• Western models are ineffective – is it a poisoned chalice for non-Western churches to drink out of?
• Maturity brings interdependence, not independence
• Think about how we need the churches around the world as much as they need us

Brenda Salter-McNeil:

• No blueprints, no promises, just a calling - Say yes
• Where you settle is where you die
• Our human story is where God comes into our Harans

IJM Speaker:

• God demands and provides us courage to give life
• "We are called to a braver courage."

Ray Bakke:

• Non-involvement is not an option
• The frontier is now the city

Saul Cruz:

• Get to know your city – this is one of the most challenging statements for me
• Commit to the city, walk in your cities

Bono (indeed, the man has wise words:

• "Stop asking for blessings. Join what God is already doing, because it’s already blessed."
• "This is your generation’s abolition movement."
• This is one big challenge – will we affect THAT MUCH change?

Donna Dong:

• Where God is, we "is" too!
• "Realize the truth. Go make it truth."

Terrence Nichols:

• The burning bush won’t be consumed until you answer the calling
• Burning bush is a continuous process

Other plenary speakers and presentations:

• Spiritual disciplines video: these are things that change us so that we can go out and change the world
• Jed Bloom: "See a need and meet it"
• Tom Lin: "The world isn’t Urbana"

A prayer: O God, we’re an apathetic generation. We’ve settled en masse in this materialistic, self-centred Haran. Open our eyes to see your burning bush, and that this very ground is holy. Bring us through the process by your grace. Give us courage to answer the calling.

Seminars:
These are often quite interesting, since they are topic specific. I chose a lot of justice/social issues oriented ones. Here are some of the points to take note:

Living Justly:

• Justice is: everyone receiving daily bread, right relationships, freedom from evil
• We’re all responsible for restoring justice
• RELOCATION to where needs are
• Go from self-interest to the common good
• Pray and DO something – don’t just pity the people
• "Your surplus should make up for the lack of others." – John Chrysostom
• Relational tithe: Tithing together for the poor
• There is JOY to be found in seeking justice

John Perkins’ 3 R’s of Community Development:

• 3 R’s: relocation, reconciliation, redistribution
• Think: What can we do to better this place for God?

Living Simply:

• Sometime we go before God when seeking purpose – learn to slow down
• Ask: Why should I live simply? It should be an intentional choice with reason
• Tithe your time

Again, the theme of "love the place you live in" rings loud and clear. I think I’m seeing an escapist kind of mentality in myself, yet we are told to engage in the world. I need to remind myself that the Kingdom of God is HERE NOW. That’s a tough lesson to learn, especially when I feel so transient.

Well, that’s the Urbana recap. I was thinking about the 2003 and 2006 Urbanas, and I felt that the previous Urbana was a little more cohesive and forceful in their presentation of material. I looked at the handbook from last time, and found that a lot of the material had become a part of me. I think that’s really neat. God can do a lot in 3 years.

Nonetheless, you never know what might happen in three years. We had an Urbana debrief last week at church, and it was just awesome hearing all the different things God has impressed on people’s hearts. I really hope this won’t die like any other hype for us. I know I feel pushed to change. I hope the feeling continues.

One more thing: I really appreciated the COMMUNITY emphasis at Urbana this year. Something that’s been tugging at my heart, affirmed at a conference of 22,000. That's got to count for something.

Things I will now more intentionally work towards, among the many lessons from Urbana 06:

1. Spiritual disciplines are things that change us so that we can go out and change the world
2. Maturity brings interdependence, not independence
3. Think about how we need the churches around the world as much as they need us
4. Get to know your city
5. Think: What can we do to better this place for God?
6. No blueprints, no promises, just a calling - Say yes

That is all. We’ll see what comes of this Urbana experience in the coming year.

January 11, 2007

The Sum Up of 2006 in Survey Form
Questions taken from Jeff's site, who stole it from Season

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Volunteer full time at Dixie Bloor. Step foot in Sheridan College. Go to Urbana for a second time.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope. From what I recall, I broke every single resolution. I'm that good.

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
Hey Ceci, Agnes had Athena this year, yes? If so, then yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Aunt Susan - you are in Love now.

5. What countries did you visit?
The States. New England region and Missouri.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A selfless, holistic lifestyle.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Weekend of April 28-30. I'd say it's the most traumatic weekend incident I've ever encountered. Changed my life forever. Can't disclose much more. Sorry.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing was so monstrous, you know? Same old, same old. If I had to choose, I'd pick projects at work at both DBNC and Sheridan.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Realizing more and more my lack (or fear?) of committment.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Recurring bouts of the common cold... or something. Not very natural for me. It's always too late when I convince myself I need to see the doc because the symptoms disappear. Happened just this week.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Mat Kearney's Nothing Left To Lose.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Benson accepting Christ! Cecilia getting a job! Yay!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Refer to 4 (inevitable "behaviour," but still) and 7. Oh, and "Santa hats." Enough said.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Hands down, no questions asked: FOOD. Followed at a distant second by MUSIC.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ahem. When Ben handed me Sufjan Steven's Illinois.
Oh! When I signed up to Urbana. Giddy, goody times.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
I feel the summer air whenever I pop in Mat Kearney. No, seriously. From him, I'll choose "Girl America" and "Won't Back Down."
And I'd hafta say that The Fray's "How To Save A Life" comes to mind (especially since I tried to reproduce the song so hard in the last months of 2006).

17. Compared to this time last year,

i. are you happier or hardened?
Le même.

ii. thinner or fatter?
I'll go for "thinner," since I'm living on rez without mommy's cooking.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer for all the experiences I've had. Definitely.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
What I committed to doing in my head.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Thinking of myself first.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I dunno. I'll be financially dirt poor, I'm sure, following a trip to Europe and the start of grad school.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Oh yes. Their names are Mat and Sufjan. Crooners armed with a guitar or piano make me weak in the knees.

22. Any one-night stands?
No, and no thanks.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I'd have to say a tie between CSI and Supernatural.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Frankly, I find it hard to hate any particular person. Even if someone pisses me off, I try to find ways to rationalize their behaviour. The short answer is no.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Confessions, Augustine

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Since I love checking out new artists, I have several. Here is my list:

• The Classic Crime
• Final Fantasy (not that I've heard much from him, but the arrangements are so very interesting)
• Jimmy Needham
• Mat Kearney
• Paul Wright's "You're Beautiful"
• Say Hi To Your Mom
• Sufjan Stevens (his official site has absolutely nothing, so I present to you download.com)

27. What did you want and get?
I got a really decently paying job for my last co-op term. And in something I enjoy, no less!

28. What did you want and not get?
I'd say everything on my Amazon wish list. Anything I got, I bought myself. With the exception of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which Becca graciously gave me during Christmas.

29. Favorite film of this year?
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23. I went to work. Craig made me a card. Niette and Becca decorated my room. I ate the cake they baked. That's 'bout it.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had only submitted a story to the Toronto Short Story Contest!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Confused. But that's me always.

33. What kept you sane?
Music. As always.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Heeheeheeheehee... tie between Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. They're on TV tonight. Hmmm... oh girlie crushes on hot CW (formerly WB) men!

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Any issue dealing with poverty stirs me. One memorable issue was the child care funding reductions. STUPID! Folks, $1,200/year does not provide children with adequate child care!

36. Who do you miss?
I miss my small group from the fall. VERY MUCH!!!

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I'd tell you, but then everyone else would feel left out.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
I need to devote my life to others.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I was gonna say "Thinking outrageously, I write in cursive" from Sufjan Steven's "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades are Out To Get Us!" because I wrote a lot this year and I absolutely adore that song.

But more appropriate:
"Won't Back Down" - Mat Kearney

You woke the morning up
Running off the darkest night
The longest fight I've seen
Here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, kept me in this fight

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground

You found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow
Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Kept me in this fight and gave me second life

Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain

Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain

The end.
An Urbana entry may be forthcoming. We'll see.

January 2, 2007
Welcome, 2007! And happy new year to everyone!

New years eve was spent in the midst of 22,000 Urbana delegates, praising the Lord and sharing in communion. Nothing quite like that experience. New years day was mostly spent on the road from St. Louis back to Mississauga. Took about 13 hours.

Opening my e-mail inbox, I found that Urbana bubble they warned us about burst. It's hard to leave the exciting Urbana reality, and yet it's designed to equip us to "change the world."

I hope the rush of school starting so soon won't hinder the chance for me to get things started...