Quotes_Page1

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

They called it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken Walter Hogan

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Advertisement

Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, tkaing the dog-- Dorothy. Bumper Sticker

It's a control freak thing. I wouldn't let you understand. G.H. Underwood

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. E. Joeseph Cossman

Never Explain anything: Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. E. Hubbard

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no macth for me at kickboxing. Emo Phillips

Everywhere is walking distanc if you have the time. Steven Wright

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with. J. Marty Feldman

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elaine Boosier

I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies just fine....
...but my damn friends!! They're the ones who keep me walking the floor at night! Warren G. Harding

Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks
much better on." On what? On Fire??? Rita Rudner

If men can run the world, why don't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and then call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant

So now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains..... That's a pretty violent image there. I'm
thinking, if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the dead body first, before you start washing clothes. Jerry Seinfield

Why does the air force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years
been complaining? George Wallace

This report, by its very lengthm defends itself against the risk of being read Winston Churchill

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
George Eliott

What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. Charles de Secondat

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong,
without comment. T.H. White

A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. Mark Twain

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Robert Frost

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. Groucho Marx

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even
invite me. Dave Berry

Keep away form people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make
you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain

Suppose you're an idiot, and suppose you're a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain

The report of my death was an exaggeration. Mark Twain, after reading his own obituary.

We have a criminal system which is superior to any in the world; and its effciency is only marred by the
difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. Alfred Hitchcock

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to
myself. Peter O'Toole

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the
popoulation. David Letterman

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth-- even if it costs him his job.
Samuel Goldwyn

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. Billy Wilder

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance--waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then sucess is sure. Mark Twain

Even on the most exalted throne in the world, we are only sitting on our own bottom. Michel de Montaige

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Giraudoux

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. J. Danforth Quayle

The successful people are the ones who can think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at.
Don Marquis

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider who is killed
by the female the moment he has suceeded in courtship. I like a state of continual becoming with a goal in
front and not behind. George Bernard Shaw