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This essay in the form of a dialogue argues that healthy BDSM is not a lifestyle, and depends on the basic equality of both players.
The first time we met privately – over a coffee on a busy sidewalk cafe – I asked her “What do the letters BDSM mean to you?”
“What do they mean to you?” She looked me in the eye, unblinking, as if to assert that her question was more important.
“Good answer.” I said, reflecting how those letters often mean very different things to people who claim to know, that she was aware that there are many dangerous would-be dominants, and that she was aware of her need to keep herself safe. She obviously understood some of the most important issues.
“I never did succeed in explaining it to my ex” I said. “I enjoy erotic power exchange, that is the surrender of power, not the exercise of power. Power exchange is not about gaining power but about relinquishing control. It is all about voluntary surrender, surrender of ourselves, offering and exposing ourselves to our lover. That surrender does not mean just going along with the other's desire (that would be exercise of power), but opening ourselves to be drawn out. It is about exploring the limit of our self understanding and will, stretching surrender to relinquish pride and petty ego, and accepting humility in ways that might previously have been too hard.”
“Humility! Sounds almost religious.”
“There is much in common, 'though humility is not much found amongst the religious in western society today. They're Vanillas, BDSM is about doing it. It turns on accepting ourselves – self-knowledge. Surrender or submission to our lover allows our lover to help us learn things about ourselves that we cannot learn alone, we must be drawn or taken there.”
“The theory sounds fine, but I have trouble with sadism and the idea of arbitrary pain” she said.
“Most people do. Pain is aversive by definition, but every feeling is conditioned by belief. The context, and what we believe about that, determines whether the experience will be perceived as painful. An athlete competing to win is not concerned about the pain, the mother delivering her baby forgets the discomfort, initiation ceremonies get their meaning from the sensations and to reduce that would be to neuter them. Pain we cannot control is often experienced with a degree of panic: remove the panic and you only have strong sensations. It is largely the panic – the belief that there is no control – that makes pain fearful.”
“But if some sadist has the control – then I panic.”
“That depends on whether you trust the sadist not to ask more than you can give. If the sadist only demands to arouse strong feelings without panic can you cope with that?”
“Yeah ... I s'pose ... by definition that is manageable, so ... Yes. But how do I know if I can trust him to stop there?”
“You can't. You don't know – that is what trust is, accepting and submitting without knowing. That is where the power comes from, the more you have at risk the more power there is. Where there is little trust there is little power – Damp Squibsville. We only trust when we accept that we do not and cannot know. It is not possible to trust a little - 'to wade rather than jump in at the deep end' as one person suggested. We choose either to trust or not. Wading is keeping our feet on the bottom, it is not trusting.”
“So what you're saying is that there is only the deep end” she said.
“Yeah. That's right. That is the only end of trust. Experience helps and you should not play with people you don't know, but ultimately if you do not expose yourself to the risk of having your trust abused then you do not trust. Trust is about accepting the risk. A good dominant may go to some trouble to make that risk appear worse, that requires more determination to trust and a deeper submission of self.”
“What if the dominant goes too far and it is all a terrible experience?”
“Shit happens. Does he notice when things aren't going well? Does he care for you? Does he take responsibility? If any of those answers are no, don't play with him. That can be seen from his behaviour before you get into BDSM or any requirement for much trust. Don't play with people you feel are untrustworthy – and find that out first. Play only with people you already know you can trust. If you decide to play and things go awry then allow him his limitations, he's only human and we all make mistakes. Think more critically if it happens twice.”
“How could I get out of that? It's too late when you're all tied up.” The obvious consequence of misplaced trust threatened her.
“Ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves, and no contracts rules or agreements can alter that. Many people have a safe-word - some word they will not use accidentally but which means “stop everything.” Don't play if you don't feel confident that your safe-word will be respected. Does he take care to agree what that word is and make sure you are clear about it? If not don't play.”
“Using a safe-word is saying 'You stuffed up' – I think I'd feel pressure not to say it” she said.
“If a safe-word is used then things can be difficult. It is necessary to manage the emotions carefully, and as equals in a relationship of equals. Yes it is saying 'bad deal', but that is less damaging than the alternative of continuing when you shouldn't. Again, don't play unless you are confident this will happen.”
“You talk about a relationship of equals but what I read rarely appears to suggest that – submission is about inequality, and long term relationships that run 24/7 ... ” She hesitated for a moment then continued “When a submissive submits, that's not equal.”
“There are two separate issues here: a long term relationship is not play for 24 hours and 7 days. Life is comprised as much of sorrow as of play. BDSM has no place in our grief management and it is usually counter-productive in business and employment. Of course there are great fantasies but the reality is that BDSM is play and needs to be recognised as such. Our non-play time turns out to be about 90% or more in the long run. That still leaves plenty of time for play.”
“But there are lots of posts by people who say their D/s relationship is like marriage - it is a one-off commitment that runs all the time.”
“True. The commitment may be full time, but the play is not. We necessarily spend much time in other roles which are not play, such as when dealing with a difficult neighbour or relative. There are many things we might say or do in a BDSM play situation which are unacceptable in a non-play real-world environment, and vice-versa. Some people may blur the boundaries and slip between play and non-play without being aware of it, but I think that is potentially dangerous. We need to be clear about our context if we wish to be correctly understood.”
“That's not just a BDSM issue – that applies always.” she said.
I nodded. “The other issue is that where two people are involved differences of view are inevitable – indeed essential if those two are to be authentically themselves – and those differences must be effectively managed. If they are always managed by suppression or subordination of one to the other, the subordinated person loses responsibility for their self development and ultimately their identity. That is not healthy. It is the same where one person is repeatedly putting themselves down – it is impossible to have a balanced relationship with such a person. I believe healthy conflict management can occur only in real-world non-play periods and in a relationship of equals. Disagreements cannot be dealt with while either of the parties is pretending or believes one is greater than the other.”
“So doesn't that take the zing away? Doesn't it just become plain vanilla?”
“Not at all. If something is significantly wrong there'll be no erotic zing anyway – address the important realities without having play get in the way. Vanilla couples also do that, hopefully; they eat sleep and breathe too – but doing those things doesn't make me vanilla. With the issues under good management we are then able to relax and fully immerse ourselves in the play.”
“So, if you reckon on vanilla good practice, what is special ... that distinguishes BDSM? Vanilla couples discover humility and grow themselves” she said. “You say that real issues should not be confused in D/s play, what's left? It's not just bondage that makes the difference surely, that's no biggie.”
“What's left is the imagination. The dominant uses imagination to conjure up experiences that require trust, the submissive's imagination is the instrument on which he can play most effectively. The bondage enhances vulnerability. It is about a relationship of trust, of having courage, of separating sensation and panic, of knowing ourselves, and perhaps most importantly, being known. Almost all that we do is driven by our need of relationships – the need we have for friends who trust us and in whom we may trust. Erotic power exchange is surrendering to that trust which allows it to grow, and to grow, and to grow.”
“And vanilla is?”
“Just sex and co-operative living together. That's all most folk can cope with, because they don't trust themselves so why would they trust somebody else? And how do you know who you can trust if you have not proven that to yourself. A lover we can trust utterly, and who trusts us utterly, is worth more than anything else – except our children for those who have them. How do we know what trust there is without it ever being exercised. Regrettably some folk find that trust is wanting, perhaps because they do not trust themselves. That can be a shattering experience, better that does not happen in some externally imposed crisis.”
“I don't know that I wish to expose myself so utterly. I could be afraid of what I might find.”
“There is no need to. We all set limits in our relationships. We say I am willing to go so far ... a kiss ... sex ... cohabitation ... marriage ... children ... we have our limits and if they are clearly defined and respected the relationship can be successful. In BDSM play we have limits too. What makes BDSM play different is that we are required to think about those limits and define them in the expectation that they will be explored – we cannot pretend, as most folk do, that we trust without the risk of having that trust tested. We are forced to understand the extent of our trust – that is self-knowledge.”
“I still don't know about it, being pushed is not what I want. Growing yes, but being pushed is perhaps a limit already.”
“There are two aspects of that – I don't believe we can grow our trust without ever having to exercise it, and it is not exercised without going close to the limit; and that is not something we can do alone – we must trust another. The thing about BDSM is that self-knowledge often reveals that what we thought was a limit is not really a limit at all, we grow ourselves and change those boundaries all the time – and pretty much always in the same direction.”
“I'm afraid, perhaps I might not like what I find.”
“Well the cardinal rule is 'if you don't enjoy it don't do it'. BDSM is about enjoyment of complex experiences and self discovery. This is not kids stuff, but equally we always have responsibility for ourselves and a part of that responsibility is knowing what we don't want.”
“But I thought it was all about the submissive not having choice.”
“It is about surrendering choice. You cannot surrender what you do not have, so first you must have it, and know that you do. That choice is protected by law and cannot be contracted or signed away. Any dominant who misunderstands this risks doing (jail) time, and anyway, just taking power is not exciting. Bullies and tyrants seize control but that is obscene, not sexually exciting. When power is voluntarily surrendered, offered as a gift, that is a different thing altogether.”
“I'm cautious that you might do all the driving, as though I was a lesser person and the only one who needed to grow; that seems likely to obscure a hidden agenda.”
“Good point, and you are right to be cautious. Most BDSM literature portrays such a fantasy. There are plenty of would-be dominants who get off on believing they are superior to their submissive, and there are plenty of submissives seeking to be Cinderella, hoping that some super man will rescue them from the difficulties of the world. Well they aren't and they can't. That doesn't mean we cannot enjoy the fantasy, we just need to be able to leave it where it belongs – in the play room.”
“So, if BDSM is just part-time play and not really a lifestyle, why would I want to do it?”
“Only for your own reasons, because *you* want to. If you don't want to then you should not do it. If you do not find that reason inside yourself don't pretend it is there. Dissembling will get you into trouble every time. BDSM requires honesty with and about our own feelings. On the other hand many people find the idea of personal submission attractive and in an erotic situation it can be very hot indeed. Submission also releases responsibility, so the submissive may have experiences which she might not otherwise permit herself to enjoy.”
“It's all about permission, isn't it.”
“Yes. Permission to explore the limit of sexual and sensual delight. Most people have all sorts of inhibitions that make them feel guilty about intense enjoyment, but I can submit and thus permit somebody else to take me there without the guilt. If you can have this no better reason could ever be desired. If this helps me better understand myself that is a nice side-benefit.”
“And as a dominant why would you want to do it?”
“What turns you on also fires me up. Sexuality is a reciprocal thing. Submission is an expression of vulnerability and a very powerful component in a relationship of love and trust. Receiving such a gift is awesome, I want that more than anything.”
“All that power going to your head, Eh! Next you'll be suggesting it is humbling.”
“I do. It is. The overwhelming sense of privilege to be offered such submission is humbling. And as for power, the only power is what I am offered. The submissive surrenders and offers herself – the power of the situation is determined entirely by what is offered. She surrenders control, and she gives the power. The success of the scene may depend on the dominant's skills in working her imagination, but he had better not forget who granted him the power and ensure she benefits richly.”
“I could learn to like that” she said.
Peter Hoban
Original: December ‘03
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.geocities.com/phoban2000/
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