From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage
Subject: Masochism?
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 15 Nov 91 21:56:36 GMT
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From Nurse Jones,
Boy, for a throwaway comment, I sure got a lot of mail. In one of my last
posts I mentioned that I had gone to the fitness center and worn a thong
with sheer pantyhose instead of tights. I got a few wannafucks from guys
that probably wear black socks to their respective exercise spas. To them
(if I may quote Opus) I say:
Pthlbpbpthlbt!!
Please stop introducing yourselves to me.
Let me detest you incognito.
I got a larger number of e-mails that said I must have looked pretty hot
(one from a guy in Indiana of all places -- not my hometown, I hope. Not
that I know everybody in my hometown, I just know enough of them. This one
wished he had been there with a camera), to those guys, I say:
You're durn tootin' I was hot. Read The List to find out what I look
like, or take my word for it, I have a pretty good bod. The first time I
did that I was pretty embarrased by it, since that's a pretty
unconventional way to wear a thong, but with Jay's encouragement I took
the plunge and yes, it was a serious turn-on for me. The next time I
went to the fitness center, I got on the exercycle that way. I noticed
that a kind of animal Gregorian chant developed behind me on the weight
machines: a sort of groaning and moaning and grunting in 12 part
harmony accompanied by clinking weights. Cardiovascular fitness is a
wonderful thing. Glad I could help. But workouts with heavy weights
aren't supposed to be aerobic, are they?
And I got one e-mail from a guy in Venice Beach, I think, which is in
California? He said I should wake up and stop thinking this is a big deal.
Girls rollerskate in Venice Beach wearing thongs with NOTHING underneath. To
which I say:
You are OBVIOUSLY not from the midwest. This IS a big deal for a former
almost-cheerleader (should I admit that? I tried out for it, OK? They
wanted me, too, but I changed my mind. Such as it was). You just don't
KNOW what it's LIKE in the midwest.
They don't even have SEJ in the midwest. In California, maybe. In
France, they have sex. In Indiana, they have hot water bottles.
If you are ever picked up by an alien space ship, which I
understand happens a lot in California (but never in Indiana) and you
don't know where they put you down when they let you go, just step into
the nearest Chinese restaraunt. If the people aren't sharing their
food, you're in the midwest. Probably Indiana. Their idea of open-
mindedness is dating a Canadian. You have no IDEA what you're dealing
with here. They even tell jokes about midwesterners. They're not very
funny, so it wouldn't surprise me if you've never heard them. How many
midwesterners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Why did the
midwesterner cross the road? To get to the middle. Har har.
And you think it's no big deal for me to wear sheer pantyhose under
a thong? Do you know how HARD it was for me to even LOOK at a thong on a
styrofoam mannequin in the department store? I made Jay buy it, for
crissakes! No wonder I've been getting notes from people that tell me
I'm really okay, they're not appalled by what I did in The List, I'm not
abnormal. These people are probably all from CALIFORNIA! This explains
everything! Believe me, I may look normal on the outside to a
Californian, but I got that way by developing some serious personality
disorders in an alread-twisted little midwestern psyche. It was hard
work, getting this far, and it only comes OUT looking normal. You
should see it from the INSIDE.
I mean, who but a midwesterner could be a closet exhibitionist?
Talk about an oxymoron.
Nurse Jones,
dismounting from the exercycle, looks over her shoulder
to discover the shining armour brigade. She licks her thumb,
applies it briefly, experimentally, to her butt:
Tssssssst!
And smiling, says, "You're supposed to polish
that armour
on the OUTSIDE, boys."
polish armor on the OUTSID
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