From: [email protected]
Subject: Nurse Jones, having a bad week
Date: 26 Jan 93 13:33:09 GMT
From Nurse Jones,
First of all, does anybody know what's happened to Westmark? I've only
had about 2 days of access since before Xmas and the BBS at UNC (my
only alternative account) has its disk full and is turning away mail.
I'm starting to experience Net Deprivation again. Do I have to find
another account?
And now for the news.
Oh, Gawd. You won't believe what happened. Just now. It is my day off
and I was just on the way home from the fitness center -- really, just
now, not even a half-hour ago -- in the bondomobile. By the way, I
went back to the old fitness center -- the place where the ASB lurker
asked me if I was me and I chickened out and ran for it. Poultry in
motion, that's me. Anyway, I went back. Haven't seen him yet.
Anyway, there I was in the bondomobile at a stoplight wearing nothing
but my leos and I'm absolutely starving to *death* so I pick the lint
off a Starburst (tm) that I found in the bottom of my purse and go to
pop it in my mouth and I miss. (No cracks about moving targets, Chet.)
The thing was, well, you know how you have to sit with your legs in a
less-than-ladylike position when you have a clutch to deal with... the
candy fell on the seat between my legs and sort of slid down, and
there I was fishing around trying to reach it and I look over and see
these three construction workers in the front seat of a truck pulled
up next to me at the stoplight.
They are climbing all over each other like the Marx brothers leering
down at yours truly, making animal noises and seductive tongue
gestures out the window. Obviously I was expected to rip my leo off in
some kind of frenzied hormonal response to this behaviour.
Gawd. I shut my eyes and rested my forehead on the steering wheel
while praying for the light to change before the candy melts, and one
of them shouts at me do I want any help. So I'm thinking I would
honestly rather have Captain Hook as my gynecologist when the light
changes and I rev up the bondomobile for a fast getaway and it lurches
and stalls.
So there I am trying to start it and the free-range turkeys in the
pickup decide that maybe they would like to jump start me and start
strutting around their truck putting on a stunning display of
secondary sexual characteristics -- tool belts, beer bellys, that kind
of thing -- while the entire rush hour behind us tunes up for the 1812
Overture.
The bondomobile had mercy on me and started just in time. I was afraid
it was going to exact revenge for the newspaper stand incident last
week. I was on the way to work and ran over one of those boxes you put
quarters in and a door opens for you to get your newspaper out. It
wrapped itself around my wheel and got jammed inside the fender and
all these so-called gentlemen stood around watching yours truly in the
rain flapping her arms and kicking at the tangled wreckage while bits
of bondo fell off the fender and newspapers blew everywhere and got
stuck in puddles.
And before you ask, this was not my fault. Some idiot left it in the
middle of the sidewalk.
I was making a left turn.
Well, I *had* my turn signal on. And I have *no* idea what the IRC
crowd found so funny about this. I mean, I *ruined* a perfectly good
uniform and was late for work. Finally a *gentleman* rescued me.
At least I wasn't wearing my leos for that little scenario. And thank
God I didn't have to get out of the car in *that* leo in front of
*those* construction workers.
[Nurse Jones places hand on copy of "More Joy of Sex."]
"I swear I will never ... ever ... again drive in rush-hour traffic in
clothing that came in an egg."
Gawd those men were awful. It's hard to believe that evolution didn't
have something further in mind for them.
The world is fraught with danger. Positively fraught. Sometimes I just
don't know how I cope.
Nurse Jones,
Maybe I'll
just stay home
till my agoraphobia
goes away...
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