From: [email protected]
Subject: Nurse Jones tours the south
Reply-To: [email protected]
Sarge: I'm not sure if this is what I sent out under NJ tours the
South or not. I'll look around and see if I have any other posts that
mentioned you...?
Maggie
From Nurse Jones,
Feeling much better after the holidays, thankyou. A big hello to the
several of you that wrote to find out where I went. Last year at this
time I posted one of my best ever posts and nobody even saw it because
(I finally figured out) most of the Net populace are students (duh)
and disappear for Christmas to visit the folks. Which makes me feel
about a hundred years old, having been out of school for the last six
years.
Okay, seven.
Okay, okay. Eight. No, really. Eight.
Anyway I decided to hold off posting until the student-induced traffic
crunch returned. Which it has. Is the semester break over out there,
BTW? I'm completely out of touch with college life. Plus Westmark is
down. I think Kestrel may have gone away for the holidays too.
Besides, I haven't been feeling very well. I kept insisting to Jay
that my problem was Post Inlaw Stress Syndrome and that all I needed
for a complete recovery was for him to treat me to a seven course meal
at Death By Chocolate. He insisted that I'm just another tragic case
of Whitman's Sampler abuse. So here I am writing to you from the new
experimental Chocolate Deprivation Chamber at the William E. Wonka
Treatment Center.
Well, it feels that way. He even found my secret cache of Raisinettes.
He *threw* them *away*! I told him there was a lot of iron in raisins,
but he was completely unreasonable on the subject. Probably because
certain of his favorite articles of eveningwear don't quite fit me
anymore.
Anyway, the weather people say bikini season will arrive early this
year, so it wouldn't hurt to start shaping up again.
Which reminds me of another post I haven't sent in. I'm *way* behind
on the huge backlog of posts I wrote after I lost my account last
March. I keep meaning to ravage more of my Summer's diary and send the
bits in. I'll send one on a shopping trip that Neets and I went on
last Summer.
Anyway, stale fruitcake is not an adequate substitute for chocolate,
so for lack of anything better to do with my hands, I was thumbing
through the latest copy of Elle and I ran across an ad for Maidenform
with a picture of a woman in a very tight corset.
The caption:
"Isn't it nice to live in a time when women aren't pushed around by
their lingere anymore?"
So on the next page was a collage of paparazzi photos depicting
shrink-wrapped Hollywood glitterati at some gala benefit -- probably
for eating disorders. The caption -- and the photos -- described
"bondage couture" as being all the rage.
Right there next to the Maidenform ad.
No kidding. Cross my heart.
So what's the deal here? Somebody's behind the times -- and I doubt
it's Cindy Crawford. On the other hand, Maidenform was into corsets a
long time before I was... Maybe they are ahead of the times...?
I think maybe this is what they call a cognitive discontinuity.
-*-
And...
Jay and I went exploring just to get out of the house after those
inlaw people left. Next time they visit, I *swear*, I am going to fake
my own death.
So anyway, we went exploring and we found this marvelous sign. On the
roadside. Down here. In the South. It Proclaimed in big, hand painted
red letters:
"Horse Manure"
This wonderful sign was just there, along the side of the road. Horse
Manure. That's all, just Horse Manure. Not a house in sight, not even
a phone number. I didn't believe it. I made Jay stop and take a
picture of me in front of it. I know, it probably wasn't a comment.
They were probably just selling manure. But this was an election year
and we can always hope.
God, I love the South. You'd get arrested if you put up a sign like
that in Chicago.
So anyway, I'm feeling much better now. Although now that the inlaws
are gone I'm showing symptoms of K-Y poisoning. Jay is working in the
private sector again.
Life is good.
Nurse Jones,
Okay,
you can
hit the
"N" key now.
On to the next posting
Back to the Nurse Jones Index