From: [email protected]
Subject: Nurse Jones dons her gay apparel...
Date: 24 Dec 92 18:18:17 GMT
From Nurse Jones,
Does anyone *else* get notes from the religious right?
I got e'ed recently by someone who (a) wanted to save me and (b) said
I should be ashamed of myself. He went on for two pages. He tells me
that I'm going to burn in hell and I'm a harlot (Silly me. I thought
that was where you parked your har.)
After completely neglecting to explain how he came to be reading ASB
and how he got a copy of The List in the first place, he warned me
that my...
> promiscuous ways will lead you [meaning me] down a one way path
First of all, bub, I'm only promiscuous with Jay. And Neets. It's like
this: I feel very lucky to be in a very small club. Membership, four.
I'm an intensely *loyal* member of that club. We may not have vows,
but I've never broken them.
I guess what I'm saying is this: You can't measure monogamy by taking
a head count. It's true measure is loyalty -- to as many as the heart
can honestly encompass.
So I'm *twice* as monogamous as most people. Virtue is such an
interesting concept...
Besides, what with the safe sex situation and all -- even if I were
interested -- I'd be afraid to step outside the bounds of monogamy.
I've even considered giving up diddling in case I give myself
something. I figure I'll just be friends with myself until they find a
cure for everything.
So my generalized fear of life has been promoted to the status of a
virtue.
I suspect that's how a lot of religions get started.
Then after explaining HIV to someone who comes home smelling like
clorox and latex gloves four days a week, Mr. Hyperbaptist points out
that...
> an hour of
> pleasure is simply not worth a lifetime of regret.
I take your point. Really. But (just out of curiosity mind you) how do
you make it last an hour?
Still, I have to admit that as a lapsed Unitarian, I'm tired of vague
wimpy religions that never let you know where you stand. I actually
*prefer* religions that have a definite point of view. Catholocism for
example. Now *there's* a proper religion. You get your mortal sin,
your blasphemy, plus there's circumcision, breast feeding, incense,
idolatry, gluttony, piercing, crucifixion, a stunning selection of
martyrdoms to choose from....
It's just not fair. I'm self-taught in all these areas. I've had to
make my *own* way in the world.
I mean, really. At a proper Catholic communion you get to drink blood.
I wonder: when they were making up Catholocism did they give much
thought to how that part would sound to the other religions? Drinking
blood? Simulated, I know, but it's the thought that counts.
I wonder what would happen if it all became literally true and the
ritual actually started converting the wine into *real* blood every
Sunday? What would people do? Seems to me transsubstantiation is one
of those miracles you can only take seriously if you don't believe it.
Drinking blood. Boy, did I miss out. I'm not making fun of anyone's
religion here, you know. I really think it's a great ritual. Possibly
the best. The Catholics don't mess around. Try and get through a whole
incarnation without drinking blood and you go straight to hell and
burn in agony for all of eternity. Yessiree, you know exactly where
you stand.
But Unitarians? What a wimpy religion. For communion you get salad
bar.
And I understand some teetotaling religions use Cool-Aid instead of
wine. I wonder if the minister feels a little silly when he reads the
mixing directions on the little package with the smileyface on the
pitcher. Cool-Aid? Blood of Christ? I mean, really: isn't that just a
little disrespectful?
I suppose I'm offending some people. It probably qualifies as
blasphemy in some religions to suggest that there might be a cognitive
discontinuity between pre-sweetened Cool-Aid and the cosmic bodily
fluids of the Ultimate Creator of the Universe.
I wonder. I expect those same people could remain untouched by the
sight of Deborah Kerr and Charlton Heston in "The 10 Commandments":
"Oh Moses, you mad, impetuous fool..." (kiss)
Or Loretta Young to Richard the Lionheart in "The Crusades":
"Oh Richard! You just gotta save Christianity! You gotta!"
I'm telling you, I was moved to tears by those scenes.
I'd better stop typing or I'll get in real trouble.
I suppose I'm feeling a bit cynical in the general area of Christmas
Cheer this year, what with having to work right through Christmas day
and then come home to the annual Trial By Inlaws.
Plus my angelfood cake that I baked in the shape of an enormous...
well... angelfood cake... collapsed and came out in the shape of an
enormous angelfood pie. I cut it into croutons in the hopes I could
salvage some of it. My mother-in-law wanted to know what the chewy
sweet things were. She's incredibly polite.
Even Jay's pre-Christmas gift of a mistletoe belt buckle didn't cheer
me up for more than ... um ... an hour or so.
My theory is that if I were something a little more well-defined than
a lapsed Unitarian, then I might be able to listen to The Little
Drummer Boy without flying into a rage and practically breaking a toe
on our defective bathroom scale. Do any of you electronics whizzes
know what would cause a digital scale to go bad gradually? Jay says he
can't find anything wrong with it. Maybe the floor's not level or
something.
Anyway, I think I could enjoy the holiday season with a little more
conviction if I joined a better religion. I figure one where you drink
blood would be a good start.
I suppose if I tried to convert to Catholocism they'd want a better
reason...
Nurse Jones,
Well it may be a sin,
but at least it's original.
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