From: [email protected]
Subject: Was: Re: ASB Critic, became Saint averti
Date: 4 Dec 91 22:06
From Nurse Jones,
I created some ill will. It's my fault. And I'm embarrassed. I thought
ASB needed a Siskel and Ebert, and Tim Maroney decided to be nice to
me and not so nice to the REAL writers on the ASB net.
Tim: I'm trying to write fiction now. It's a disaster. Averti's been
turning out stuff that makes me go all squirmy for longer than I have
been aware that ASB existed, even. It was easy for me to write about
myself. Scratch that, it was hard to get up the courage to tell it,
but I didn't have to make anything up, so it was easy to look inside
and talk about something I knew pretty well: me. I jumped in at the
deep end of the bondage pool; it was an emotional experience and
writing was made easy because I didn't have to make it up. It was like
doing a report: What I Did on my Summer Vacation. Only Mrs. Collins
might not have approved.
Making up a character that isn't me, or an event that didn't happen is
much more difficult than what I did, and I feel obliged to apologize
to averti on someone's behalf. What he does so well, I am learning, is
hard. Autobiography and inane commentary are easy.
I am working three times as hard to make fiction. At least now when
you read it you'll know the reason it lacks luster and polish. So if
you think I write well, Tim, consider that THe List wasn't an
ambitious undertaking. I chewed more than I bit off.
THE REAL POINT remains: I would like to hear [perhaps criticism is the
wrong word] commentary (?) on the better writings for ASB. I read
authors like a gold miner: when I find one I like, I mine the vein
until it's exhausted. Elf, averti, and a few others I have exhausted.
People have sent me their old postings. I don't want to hear bad news
from people that DON'T like them. I want to hear what's good about
them from people that liked them. Elf and averti I will read
regardless. I liked the Blue Box and I never even found out who wrote
it. It was more the idea than the writing in that case, though.
But Tim: That doesn't mean I don't feel flattered that you like what I
wrote. I always get a warm glow when that happens. And I enjoyed your
criticism of averti (sorry, averti) ONLY (sorry, Tim) because it gave
him a chance to unload so entertainingly.
Some day I'll sit on averti's knee and he'll tell me stories.
Nurse Jones,
working hard, but beginning to suspect
that the clarity of her writing comes
from the shallowness of her thoughts
rather than the ease of her language.
FLASH! Sears at Christmas time:
Averti as santa (who he looks like). Nurse Jones approaches, hikes up
the skirt of her nurse's uniform, and settles down, facing him,
astraddle his knee.
The next customer says, "Look, Mamma, that lady's not wearing
any..."
[SMACK!]
"Quiet, honey. Look at the lovely
reindeer..."
"Ho, ho, ah, um, ahem...er...ho...
And what's your name, little, ah,
girl?"
"My real name?" Nurse Jones wiggles
her hips and whispers in averti's
ear. "That's it. I'm calling the
manager."
"And what would you like for
Christmas?"
"Can I have a crucifix?" Nurse Jones
bats her eyelashes. "Oh. Ah, well, maybe she's a
good Catholic..."
"You mean..."
"Yeah," says the nurse, "and some
nails. Big ones." "Oh My God. Timmy, cover your
ears. Manager! Manager!"
Santa puts his hand on the nurse's
knee. "And have you been a good
little girl?" "Yes, madam?
"Yes, Santa. I'm VERY good." "Just LOOK at them. It's
scandalous!"
Nurse Jones unpins her cap, puts
it on averti's head, and plants a
big, wet, kiss.
"Hmm. That IS pretty good." Averti "Ahem."
puts his red santa cap on the nurse.
"You can be santa's helper while he "Excuse me, Miss."
leaves for just a minute to, ah,
adjust his santa outfit..." "Miss! Excuse me!"
Averti leaves, clutching a bag of "Oh. Ah..." The manager
toys in front of him. looks open mouthed from
the nurse to averti
Nurse Jones seats herself on Santa's and back.
throne, bats her eyelashes, and crosses
her legs. "Next?"
The manager shoulders
Timmy out of the way,
straightens his tie, and
takes a place at the
head of the line.
"Yes?"
"Santa? I've been a baaaaad boy ...."
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