4 Moaners can’t help themselves. Often they don’t even know they are doing it. You hear them everywhere: ‘Why have I/do I/should I?’.

Moaners can really get on your nerves! So tell them this in a calm, cool tone of voice.
They will most likely apologise and then find someone to moan to about you being
in a mood.

4 Don’t get agitated - this will make them worse
4 Don’t sympathise - this will encourage
4 Stay neutral

Moaning can be a form of self-hypnosis - a well-rehearsed speech launched into on auto
pilot. The mere mention of a name or a particular subject can launch the moaner off.

Generally, moaners are people who feel empty, restless and bored - never satisfied,
never content. The good things in life must have a catch.

HOW TO MANAGE MOANERS

4 Listen to what they are saying
4 Give feedback and paraphrase to ensure understanding
4 Sift through the dross to get to the facts
4 Throw the ball into their court: ‘What do you suggest?’ ‘What action do you want?’
4 Ask them to go away and work on a concrete solution
4 Get them to look at the problem from all angles - not just theirs
4 Agree a realistic solution

IMPORTANT

4 Show you are receptive to their problems
4 Stay detached and calm even when you are being blamed
4 Empower or encourage them to take responsibility for their own problems

4 The behaviours of these characters, while varying in degree and manner, are very
similar and share the same end goal: ensuring the safety of the individuals concerned
at the risk of others around them.

The behavioural triggers of the control freak represents, for many, a painful journey: loss of control, inability to cope, betrayal and mistakes in a previous life may have triggered a great fear of losing control.

Controllers over-compensate, roar loudly to frighten off potential threats and are fuelled with
the need to build an empire to protect them.

RECOGNISING THEIR BEHAVIOURS
4 Need to control at all levels - from how the company accounts are prepared to how
the tea is made
4 Great reluctance to share
4 Secretiveness
4 Not providing access (keys, passwords, operational instructions, etc) even
when it is demanded
4 Use of verbal force (orders/abuse) to ward off questioning
4 Use of threats to maintain position (‘All those who enter here ...’)
4 Very little involvement, co-operation, negotiation or rational discussion
4 Undermining others to build territory (today the photocopier, tomorrow
the boardroom)
4 Very little socialisation - rarely seen at office parties except to talk to the right people
4 Totally focused on self

HOW TO MANAGE CONTROL FREAKS

4Draw very precise boundaries. Make it clear that their responsibility stops here.
4 Empower with caution. Keep a tight rein on activities.
4 Be precise about instructions - put them in writing so that they cannot be misinterpreted.

4Use performance reviews regularly to clarify progress.
4Listen to other colleagues - pick up on the signs early.
4If the behaviour becomes a real problem, restructure.

4 The Chatterer can’t bear silence. It unnerves him/her. They have to fill in the gaps in conversation, think aloud or make some noise. They need to be noticed, listened to and praised.

Chatterers need to be reassured that their work is fine, that relationships are harmonious and that they haven’t upset anyone.

They have an automatic connection mechanism - an open mouth!

DEALING WITH CHATTERERS

4 Use closed questions - invite ‘yes/no’ answers.
4 Stick to the topic - plan what you are going to say.
4 State firmly what you require. Give deadlines.
4 Give praise - this often takes the wind out of their sails.
4 If the problem is serious put them in with a silent type (in a separate office).
4 Keep them busy.
4 Increase levels of responsibility.
4 Stop what you are doing and walk slowly to their desk. This is the signal for them to
stop talking.
4 Regularly monitor their progress.
4 Move them around to other areas of work if it is practical. If they have to focus on
learning something new it can concentrate the mind. Chatterers are often bored and
don’t know what to do about it.

Martyrs:
4 Lack confidence in themselves, have low self-esteem and a poor understanding of their abilities and of their value
4 Have poor communication skills, find it difficult to mix socially and are unable to
express their needs assertively
4 Find themselves apologising for things they haven’t done
4 Feel obliged to show gratitude to others
4 Want people to feel sorry for them

Their behaviour leads other people to have negative feelings towards them. This
reinforces the martyr’s own sense of self-worth and the cycle is never broken.

DEALING WITH THE MARTYR

4 Don’t feel guilt, pity or sympathy. The martyr knows what he/she is doing.
4 State all requests, decisions and orders clearly and firmly. Provide an opportunity for
the martyr to take issue there and then.
4 Use open questions to challenge feelings, eg: ‘What is the problem?’ Don’t take
‘Nothing’ for an answer as this gives the martyr permission to carry on.
4 Firmly call for an end to the behaviour.
4 Don’t let martyrs know that their moods are affecting others or the work. This will
give them secret pleasure (‘So it’s working!’ they will tell themselves).
4 Do say ‘It’s affecting your future with us’.
4 Don’t question what you are doing. Martyrs easily undermine.
4 Don’t be taken in by sob-stories. The martyr has plenty of ammunition.

Angry Or Stressed People:

4Conflicts at work arise because there is a difference - a difference of opinion, personality, objectives, interest, values, viewpoints and so on.

If you think of conflict in terms of a fight, a struggle, winners and losers, you may
become defensive, aggressive, try to ignore it, or walk away from it.

These are all classic responses associated with stress. Take a winners and losers approach to conflict and the losers will always:

4 Have a desire for revenge
4 Be inclined to bear a grudge

A winners and losers approach will simply encourage further conflict.
There will always be a ‘sore point’. It will fester. It will reappear.

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT
THE LEAST STRESSFUL APPROACH

1. Acknowledge that conflict exists. Ignore it at an early stage and it will be
much harder to resolve later.

2. Understand everyone’s position. Listen to what is said. Restate each position
to show that you’ve understood.

3. Identify key issues and concerns. Encourage honesty.

4. Search for possible solutions. Be creative. Be open minded. Don’t evaluate or judge at this stage.

5. Select the best solution for everyone, not the solution you prefer.

6. Implement the solution and re-check that everyone is satisfied.
If not, conflict will recur.

Always use language that is factual and neutral. Avoid emotion and blame.
This process is a series of stages. Each stage must be complete before moving on to the next one.

Don’t be in too much of a hurry. Haste might result in things being
overlooked, people not being heard, people not having enough time to search deeply and to be honest.

The Self Limiting Person:

4 Is reluctant to express own opinions, and particularly, feelings
4 Often feels used by others
4 Keeps quiet when others take advantage
4 Refrains from complaining when services or products are not up to standard
4 Finds it difficult to refuse the requests of others for time or resources
4 Acquiesces in the views and desires of the majority even though these conflict with personal wishes
4 Frequently makes compromises in the interests of harmony
4 Is unwilling to inconvenience people for the things he or she wants
4 Is submissive in the presence of aggressive behaviour
4 Prefers to keep own views private

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, you’re right”, said Henry Ford and, in so doing, captured the essence of this theory.

Many people are self-limiting in their views about their own ability and capacities. They have the mind-sets ‘I can’t do that’ and, consequently, they either fail or don’t even try in the first place.

To motivate people, a manager’s job is to encourage people to be positive
about themselves and believe in what they can do, so that they will challenge what they previously thought impossible.

DEALING WITH SELF LIMITING PEOPLE

4 Set targets that stretch employees
4 Encourage employees to believe in themselves
4 Reward employees for trying, as well as for successful performance

Common Traits:

4Quick to become angry over trivialities
4 Refusal to listen to a viewpoint other than own
4Stubbornness to ‘N’th’ degree
4Total rigidity - can be very suspicious
4Contradictory and contrary
4Blames others for what goes wrong but is quick to claim praise
4Able to twist facts and sound convincing
4Almost impossible to reason with at times
4Will sulk and brood all day - maybe for weeks if things don’t go his or her way
4Contemptuous of other people’s ideas - uses ridicule as a put down
4Little ability to empathise or experience compassion
4Totally self-focused
4Uses others unashamedly for own ends

HOW TO COMMUNICATE

4 Keep it to a minimum. Language should be free of emotion and opinion. Stick to
facts and keep repeating them until they sink in.
4 Say ‘no’ as often as you need to.
4 When they are wrong tell them so.
4 Don’t mirror their communication techniques - no scorn, ridicule, sarcasm, ranting or raving.
4 Don’t flatter or pay undue attention. Narcissists feed on compliments and like to play to an audience. Remain detached and nonchalant.
4 Watch your body language - tell-tale signs of anger, aggression and frustration will be picked up. Maintain an inscrutable facial expression.

Dealing with a reluctant coachee can be a daunting prospect for a coach. Try some of the strategies:

4Ask the coachee for their reaction to being in a coaching situation
4If the coachee's reaction is negative, ask why it is negative
4If the coachee appears reluctant but does not admit this, gently confront the person with your observations and offer some objective evidence for these observations
4If the coachee continues to deny any resistance or lack of interest (but appears reluctant or resentful), show empathy by suggesting some possible reasons for the behaviour
4If you do manage to "break through", ask the coachee what he thinks he might gain from coaching
4If he is unable to answer this question, ask which aspects of work he would most like to improve or whether he has received any kind of feedback which suggested areas for improvement
4Specify clearly the areas you have isolated for coaching
4Acknowledge the coachee's reluctance but repeat your wish for the individual to be coached
4Discuss and explain some of the general benefits of coaching and the specific benefits to the individual
4Obtain a commitment and some measure of self-responsibility from the coachee to attend at least three coaching sessions and agree to review the situation after that