This is a story about a guy named Lenny. Lenny was your regular fine, upstanding Pillar of the Community. Devoted husband. Loving father. Member of Kiwanis, Lions, Chamber of Commerce. Worshipped regularly with his family and community. Paid his taxes on time and kept his lawn neatly mowed. His life was good. (Well, one son was in drug rehab, and the other dressed like a woman, but they were already living in other towns. And they were good boys, really.) Until...
After many years of happy marriage, Lenny's beloved wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. Lenny was grief-stricken. He found solace nowhere. So he asked God, "Why did this have to happen? Our children are nearly grown, and we were finally going to be alone together again, to spend the golden years of our lives in happiness. Why, God, why?"
God did not answer Lenny. Finally, Lenny took comfort that, when his time came, he would be able to ask God in person, and get the answer that was beyond his understanding now.
So Lenny picked up the pieces of his life. He went back to his business and looked after the home that he and his wife had built and cherished. Her cared for his child still at home. Life went on. Until ...
Lenny's 17-year-old daughter, Bambi, came crying to Lenny late one night (after the Letterman show.) "Why are you crying, sweeetheart?" he asked.
"Oh, Daddy!" sobbed Bambi, flinging her long blond hair out of her sweet young face. "I don't know how to tell you!"
"Come on, baby. You can tell Daddy anything. What's wrong?"
Bambi threw herself onto Lenny's lap. "Well, Daddy, the truth is, I'm pregnant. And I don't know who the father is. And I'm pretty sure he's not Jewish."
(Val's note: if you're Jewish, that is. If you're not Jewish, fill in your own particular cultural/ethnic group in the place of this line.)
Lenny was shocked and appalled. (Oh, God, he thought. I'm a Pillar of the Community. What will people think? How will this affect my business? What kind of father have I been?) "Don't worry, Bambi," Lenny said aloud. "We'll take care of this."
"Oh, Daddy," Bambi wailed. "I'm so ashamed! My life is ruined!"
(YOUR life is ruined? Lenny thought. What about MY reputation?) "There, there, dear," he said aloud, and stroked his lovely daughter's silken hair.
So Lenny sent Bambi to Aunt Louise's in the countryside (this is an old story, I told you!). He told everyone in town that she was taking care of an ailing relative, and she would go to college out of state. He sent money every month.
Again, Lenny despaired. He asked God for an explanation. Again, none was directly forthcoming, even in his dreams. Lenny took comfort in the thought that, when his time came, he'd be able to ask God directly why He was testing or punishing Lenny this way.
Life went on; Lenny picked up the pieces of his life. Until ...
Things went downhill at his business. An IRS audit was conducted, and Lenny discovered that a trusted bookkeeper had been a little too creative, and then relocated to Rio de Janeiro without leaving a forwarding address. Lenny's business went bankrupt, and he lost everything he'd worked, side by side with his loving wife, so hard and so long for.
People were sympathetic, but Lenny, no spring chicken anymore, could take no solace from them. Once more he turned to God. "What is this test, Lord?" he pleaded. "I'm not a young man. How can I start anew now?"
As before, God gave Lenny no inkling of His intention. And finally, as before, Lenny consoled himself with the thought that, when his time came and he stood before his Maker, God would unfold His plan to Lenny. And then Lenny would understand.
Time passed. Lenny found a job, and did what he had to do. Until...
One night, lightning struck Lenny's house. The 911 emergency lines were busy, and before anything could be done about it, Lenny's house burned to the ground. And Lenny, still distracted from his other misfortunes, forgot that he'd let his fire insurance lapse.
Poking around in the ashes the next day, Lenny realized that everything was destroyed. The photograph albums, the stamp collection, the contents of the "fire proof" safe, the oil paintings, everything. His entire life was gone.
Later, in the small furnished room he found through the kindness of friends, Lenny lifted his eyes once more to heaven. "Why God, why?" he moaned. "What is Your plan for me? Why are You testing me like this?"
Finally, he realized again that God would only reveal His plan to Lenny on that day when Lenny stood before Him. So Lenny laid down and tried to sleep.
Soon thereafter...
Driving to his job in a driving rainstorm, Lenny wrapped his car around a telephone pole. Lenny died. He found himself before the Gate of Heaven. The gatekeeper (let's call him Peter) welcomed Lenny. "We're glad to have you here, Lenny," Peter said. "You've led an exemplary life. We don't see many like you any more. Your wife and other loved ones who preceded you here are inside, waiting for you."
Lenny smiled, but hesitated.
"You look puzzled, Lenny," Peter noted. Is there something wrong? Do you have any questions or requests before you enter Heaven?"
"As a matter of fact," Lenny replied, "I have a request." Peter waited patiently. "I was wondering if I could have an audience with God."
Peter looked in his ledger. "Yes," he answered at last. "You earned enough Points on Earth to qualify for one audience with the Lord."
Before he knew what was happening, Lenny was before God. It was a celestial moment, and Lenny was overcome with awe. God finally cleared His throat. "YES?" he boomed. "What is it, Lenny?"
"Lord," Lenny whispered at last. "You know everything. You decree everything. I was hoping that You would reveal Your plan for me. I tried to live a good life..."
"You did," God acknowledged. "A good life."
"Thank you," Lenny said, feeling more relaxed. "I was a devoted husband, and tried to raise my children well."
"You did all that a father could," God said.
"And I tried to run my business well, and treat my employees and customers fairly. I think I was a good neighbor and citizen, too."
"Yes, yes," God agreed, nodding. "You were." His long, white beard reminded Lenny of Bambi's hair for a moment.
"So, my Lord," Lenny said, kneeling on the floor, which was as soft as a cloud and glittered with the light of millions of diamonds, " will you tell me why you tested me thus, taking my wife from me just as we were about to spend the last years of our lives together, taking cruises, enjoying the fruits of our labors? Why did you test me, causing me such heartache and shame with my daughter's ways (not to mention my sons')? Why did You cause my business to be destroyed through one of my employees? And why, finally, did you allow my house to burn down, pulverizing all that my wife and I had worked so hard to build? My flowers, my pictures, family heirlooms? Everything I'd worked so hard for, gone? What was Your plan? Knowing that You had a plan for me , and hoping You would explain this plan, was all that kept me going through all these misfortunes."
"You want to know My Plan, why I plagued you with all these tragedies."
"Yes, my Lord."
"Well, Lenny, I'll tell you."
Lenny waited.
God finally said, "I don't know, Lenny. Something about you just pissed me off."
