Phillip Andrew Lynes

Recent News

Phillip:Pigboy

Phillip's latest stunt was at approximately 12:55pm on the 5th April 2001, when he successfully consumed the leftovers from several people's lunches. Basically the 'food' was chips, gravy, chocolate mouse, pizza and other leftovers all on one plate. He ate quite a large amount of the stuff. Respect.

This stunt was followed up the following day, 6th April 2001, by Pigboy (Phillip) eating a milk drenched chip dipped in chocolate moose. He has now officially earned the name PIGBOY.

On the continuing theme of Phillip: Pigboy, Phillip consumed a Ribena carton containing various additives i.e. a pinch of salt, a dash of vinegar and sprinkling of Sunny Delight. etc.

April 27th Phillip again accomplished what was a terrific achievement. It started off when Dion, Midge and Sion entered the village shop where a chocolate kit-kat chunky was purchased. As they walked Sion decided that he did not want the chocolate bar and inserted it into a puddle of mud. They decided to leave the bar for future use. After some time they decided to return to the village shop, but on the way decided to ask Phillip if he wanted the chocolate bar. Phillip accepted the bar and consumed all... After that Phillip was told the truth about this disgusting feat and made his trademark face! It is no longer enough to refer to Phillip as Pigboy, he must be called Sh*t-kat (abbreviate to Sh'tKat).

Sunday, May the 6th marked a special day in Phillip's life. He broke, what must have been, a record. The astonishing feat was to place at least 60 (exact figure was between 60 and 75) chewing and bubble gums into his mouth at once. Mr Lynes, then, successfully chewed upon this mass of rubber for several minutes before stretching it across the main road. Respect to the man. He truly deserves a Knighthood or something.

As we all know, Phillip Andrew Lynes is a God among us mere mortals. His achievements are of high quality and of high concentration. On Saturday, the 12th of May, Mr Lynes succesfully killed a pile of "Horse Turd"®. The trud was, first, stunned by a one footed stomp then dispatched by a swift super dropkick to the abdomen.

School has played a large part in Phillip's life for close to two years. As a result, it is an ideal arena for Phillip to gain publicity and accompish tasks with the added pressure of huge, jeering crowds and the tyrannical presence of 'Teachers'. Even with all this added pressure, Mr Lynes was able to clearly dive over a rather dangerous looking poisonous bush, and in doing so, killed it. This plant was threatening the lives of his fellow students with its foul release of gas, and as Phillip feels responsible for us mere mortals he risked his life in killing the dreaded tree. Respect is due.

the author reserves the right to make up the events above

©Jonathan Gordon 2001