  |
| Its a bird! No, its a plane! No, its a retard in spandex!-<Rev rp-1> |
By Enigma |
The Rock Vs Captain Enigma
|
Justice last served to : None |
Win=0 Loss=0 Draw=0
|
Pig Destroyer - "Synthetic Utopia" Short wave dictator launches the blitzkrieg
upon your frontal lobe * The scene for today is a tv studio. Sat in his chair is ace Reporter "Richard Rimmer". He's sat at his desk shuffling papers getting ready to read a report for "Sports Eye View". He's wearing his usually. A black tie, a blue suit, white t-shirt and a $700 dollar toupee that looks like a bird built a nest on his head * Rimmer: Julie, come here. Julie: Y-yes Mr Rimmer? Rimmer: Please dear, tell me what this is. * Rimmer points down to a cake on his plate * Julie: Its a iced bun sir. Rimmer: Correct! Not only that, but a WHITE iced bun. Now, tell me what colour icing I like on my bun. Julie: W-w-well sir you see- Rimmer: Answer the question. Julie: You like pink. Rimmer: Yes. I like pink icing. I dont like white icing, I like GOD DAMN PINK ICING! I only ask for one thing on top of my $600,000 a year wage packet, and thats a PINK ICED BUN! Yet you cant even manage that! * Rimmer grabs the plate with the bun and hurls it across the studio nailing the sound guy in the face with it and sending him tumbling back into a pile of cables* Julie: Please sir think of your blood pressure! Rimmer: My blood pressure? MY BLOOD PRESSURE? Thats it! No-one shows concern for me and gets away with it! Your fired! Your gone! bye bye, see you later! * The girls eyes well up with tears and she looks Alougth she's about to break down and cry * Rimmer: But dont worry my dear, im not totally heartless, im going to give you a fulls months wage, despite working only 2 weeks. Yes, a full months pay. IN STALE ICED BUNS! Ha! Now, someone eject this second rate ho from my set, im on in 30 seconds. * The girl is pulled of the set crying her eyes out by a big, balding man. He has a purple t-shirt on and khaki trousers. But despite his clothes, he still looks very intimidating, with a stare that could penetrate steel.* Producer: And were live in 5..4..3..2 * Rimmer grabs his papers and starts shuffling them and stares at the camera * Rimmer: Welcome, to yet another edition of Sports Eye View. Tonight we'll be discussing Ryan Calcutta, the man who is sending waves through pro tiddly winks that havnt been seen since the death of the all time great Mike Anderfelt. Also on the agenda a exposé on cheating in the finals of the great tobacco chew off. But first, a federation thats causing ripples in the wrestling world that havnt been seen since Barry Howoritz made his debut. The XWIWF has been on the lips of everyone as off late, with its scheduled pay per view "Extreme Resurrection " were the number one contendership will be decided and the world title will be defended. Despite all the matches having potential to be awesome, one match is what has got the critics talking. The Rock will be taking on Captain Enigma. The Rock not being new to the game is obviously the favourite to win, but the young wild card Captain Enigma may pull the upset. Alougth he's new to the XWFIF - Stage Hand : Its XWIWF- Rimmer: Shut the FUCK up! Your fired! Producer: You cant say that! This is live T.V and its only 3pm! Rimmer: Shut the hell up or your fired too! Now, I shall continue. Enigma, while being new to XWIWF, is not new to the wrestling ring. No, this nutball has been getting his ass handed to him twice a week for well over three years now! Another thing- * A chair leg flies through the tv set * Enigma: Damn him. Damn him to hell and back! Don, what are my chances of winning? * Don Enigma Jr. is Captain Enigmas trusty side kick. Dispute being near 7 foot tall and weighing almost double Enigmas weight, he still insists on calling him Jr. Don looks up at Enigma lifting his head out of a pile of white powder * Enigma: Oh please dont tell me you've been at the sugar again Don: Im sorry boss... * Don looks up with sad eyes and looks at Enigma * Enigma: Awww, you know I cant resist that face. Here, have a
cookie. *Enigma chucks a cookie to the Don who catches and eats it* Enigma: Hey stu, you think im gonna win? Stu: M-m-m-m f-f-f-u t-t-t-v *Don pops his head up with a mouth full of cookie* Don: Come on man, spit it out! Stu: MAH F*CKING TV! Get the hell out of my house you sonsofbitchs! *The man stands up and dives over the crouch and stands back up pumping a shotgun and firing shots into the air, but Enigma and Don Enigma Jr. are long gone. The camera fades to black.*
The Gunslinger Bar 5.30pm * The scene opens with Enigma and Don walking into a dank little pit of a bar. The Don looks around the whole bar eyeing up the bar for potential super hero / spandex hate groups. The Don reachs to his back pocket and flips open a notebook and starts jotting notes down, paying particular attention to a man uriniating in the corner. He walks over to a couple of bar stools and dives on his knees and scrambles around on the floor apparently looking for something...* Bartender: *chuckles* What your friend looking for? Bombs? Enigma: Nah, something much, much worse. Something that will harm me like no bomb ever could..... Bartender: What? Enigma: Chewing gum. * The bartender looks on in puzzlement and the deranged going on's in his bar. He soon cheers up when Enigma orders two double vodka's. Enigma raises to his feet and goes to the bathroom, while Don changes Enigma's order to two small diet cokes. Enigma shortly returns to his site and plops down next to Don and starts swigging out of his coke bottle (which Don cunningly removed the label from) * Enigma: Shit man, this stuff is strong! Yoush knowsh, ish feelin a little pished. Hey swhettie! Come give bigsh Enigigigma a shloppy kish. *Enigma makes a drunken dive, dispute consuming no alcohol, for the man taking a piss in the corner (it was a long piss) Enigma slaps him on the ass and plants a big kiss on his face. The man shakes off and pulls up his trousers. He turns to Enigma and gets a demented glint in his eye. He raises his fist and throws a punch at Enigma. Luckily Don steps in and catches the punch and pushes the guy back and proceeds to ram him through a window. The bar brawl begins. Don fights of 3 or 4 people before deciding its time to exit. He grabs Enigma onto his shoulder and charges out the door. The cops turn up. * The County Jail 11pm * Enigma's and Don's lawyer is giving a press release outside of jail* Lawyer: My client, Captain Enigma, has announced he shall be out of jail in time for the pay per view. He will be returning to court on sexual harassment charges later this month. But he has vowed to fight this all the way, and he has promised he will defeat The Rock. He also adds, and I quote, "If ya smell-el-el-el-el what the rock, is sucking. Ya see what I did there! Hyuck Hyuck!*
|
|
