(2002)

review by:

3-25-03

Written by: William Shatner Directed by: William Shatner Starring: William Shatner, Amy Acker, Dick Van Patten

A woman with terminal cancer and her boyfriend spend their last days together on a desert vacation, only to become involved in an Air Force colonel�s �humanitarian� efforts to help an alien escape from military exploitation, angry mobs, and bad acting. Being a Star Trek fan, I have only the highest respect for William Shatner, within the context of Star Trek, that is. Outside of that context, I would be the first to admit that even the chimp from MVP: Most Valuable Primate has a better acting career than Shatner. And yet, Shatner just happens to be the best actor in this film. How is that possible, you ask? It�s not so much that Shatner acts better than everyone else so much as everyone else somehow manages to act worse than he does (I�m sure that wasn�t planned or anything). No doubt somewhere in Asia there is a child working in a sweatshop who made more money today than what the budget of this movie was. There also must have been a celluloid shortage as the stock footage ran quite rampantly throughout. Add all this on top of an uninspired, convoluted plot with below-average special effects and you have one sci-fi film that ought to be lost in space. If you�ve seen one Area 51 movie�well, you have my condolences. This movie does manage to break away from the stereotypical Roswell Grey alien that always appears in such movies; this time it�s some form of living gas that flies around in a giant jellyfish and has the amazing power to make old men glow and steal cow pussies. It is here that we get to taste the fruits of Shatner�s imaginative capacities and they are hard to swallow indeed. Somehow Shatner takes Einstein�s theory of relativity, wipes his ass with it, and uses the end result to try and explain how gaseous life forms �expand� their way across the universe. At one point there is an exchange between cancer-chick and the alien in what we�re sure will lead to her being cured, but she winds up dying in the end anyway. Oh, but don�t feel too bad, as we�re assured that her �essence� will live on--not her soul mind you, her essence. I'm so glad that Shatner could clear up that distinction for us. Set phasers to �pass� on this one.

AKA: Lake Flaccid          Vague Encounters of A Turd Kind

Rating



Comment

From: Borg Queen Rating: Bad While I agree with your opinion of the movie, Gameslave, I must say that I am disappointed that you did not mention the two characters who I felt deserve awards for their performances. I am of course referring to the 'King of the Rednecks,' whose demonstration with the balloon condom and snake left me speechless, and the 'Asian Cowboy Lesbian Rapist,' who I felt needed way more screen time. Other than that it was a complete, worthless piece of crap. I say since Kirk died, Shatner doesn't have a reason left to live, and he should be drug out into the street and shot.