�
>> Conan: Whoa! An incredible entrance.
>> Robin: Thank you. I'm sure it's nice when you have mexican
wrestling shoes.
[ Laughter ]
[ robin speaking spanish ]
[ laughter ]
>>�Conan: So this is something you're touring on the side now?
>> [ Robin in a spanish accent ]
�I want to have another career.
[ Laughter ] if there's nothing else, you can put on a mask and not walk
into a bank.
[ Laughter ] it's very good to have these shoes, because if not, people
go, "you're gay."
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: I get that a lot, yes.
>> I know. Oh, no, don't start that already right there.
�
>>�Conan: All right, let's leave that alone.
>> The"conan?"
[ Laughter ] "oh, me."
>>�Conan: I swear it. I mean, I'm sure you've met him a
lot,
but this is what he does when he hears music -- almost like an animal,
a python or something.
>> Yeah. Bad white-boy dancing. Like, "hey, come on now."
[ Laughter ] "I lost -- barely."
Yeah, it's a frightening thing when you see him sometimes try and be
hip.
It's almost like, "hey, bro, i'm going to throw it down."
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
>> "I send it out to my poops" -- "peeps." "Fine." 
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: "Whatever you prefer."
>> "Whatever it is, my main holmes."
[ Laughter ] but it is, yeah, he is a very, very, you know -- well,
he's in desperate need of a charisma implant.
[ Laughter ] That would be very nice. Just to kind of kick him into the
next gear.
>>�Conan: Right, right
.
>> I saw one night, though, where he was almost religious. Where
he was -- there was a big benefit where Clinton was --
somebody heckled Clinton and he kind of "i'll get you, boy."
[ Laughter ] went into that kind "there is a spirit here today!"
[ Laughter ] "the baby jesus loves you." 
[ Laughter ]�Conan: What do you think happened to him in that moment?
>> I think at that moment, he went, "I shouldn't be doing this."
>>�Conan: Yeah.
[ Laugher ]
>> "I should fall back and be benign, man." Like this guy, "I
am not one of your people."
[ Laughter ] "minority report, go back to the election. Move it around."
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ] "confused hebrews, miami, moving back."
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ] this is our moment.
>>�Conan: Let's talk. I was watching the news recently,
'cause every now and then,
I like to see what's happening in the world. 
>> It's a gone an hour -- walk outside and go, "i'm okay."
>>�Conan: "I'm okay."
>> Especially when the weather's been by Cebil the last few days.
>>�Conan: Here, it's not nice. Although it's cleared up nicely now, i think.
>> Yeah.
[ Laughter ] "boy, and I love the way the stars twinkle."
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: Look, we couldn't afford the stars twinkling,
all right?
Letterman can afford to have the stars twinkle. There you go.
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ] They're twinkling.
>> I know you believe now. Boys and girls, look at all these stars.
Can you see uranus, it's up there? 
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: All right. Look, I run a clean show. Now wait, no, I don't.
>> No, you don't. How about these, my friend? [�Robin grabs his
crotch ]
>>�Conan: All right, stop that.
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ]
>> you were talking about the news.
>>�Conan: No, I'm thinking about that now.
>> Yes.
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: Okay. I'm done.
>> It's small but fierce.
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: "Hey, don't talk about that. Hey, stop that."
[ Laughter ]
>> "hey, how come he got to watch?"
[ Laughter ] 
>>�Conan: Listen, i'm trying to run a respectable show.
>> Yeah, a respectable show -- the fake "New York times."
[ Laughter ]
>>�Conan: You told them! They had them convinced that was real.
>> That's true. Watch out now.
>>�Conan: I'm watching the news and I see that you're in
afghanistan entertaining the troops,
which I think was a very great thing that you did there.
>> It was an interesting thing to do. It's like one of those
things where you go --
[ applause ] I flew from paris, i was there for promoting the movie, and
I saved half the flight,
'cause if not, you fly 20 hours on a c-17, which is like a 747 on steroids.
Big plane. 
>>��Conan: Right,
>> and there's just -- they put you in seats in the of this thing
where you can play basketball.
Even Shaq would go, "this is a big, ass plane."
[ Laughter ] and you're sitting backwards, and it's basically like
a plane for the incontinent,
'cause just the ass falls down.
They fly on the jet. Then you get to turkey and then you start taking
c-130s, which are like --
[ yelling ] really loud! You know, it's the type of plane where everybody
gets off the plane going, "did you enjoy it?
Thy good flight!"[ Laughter ] "i think we should go now. I shouldn't smoke
back here, should i?"
And they say it's safe, you know, because when you get into Afghanistan,
all of a sudden, i went, "this is safe, right?"
And I see, i'm on a spanish plane, because it's a coalition force.
And the spanish are putting on kevlar going, "it's totally safe, robin.
Will you excuse me for a moment?" 
[ Laughter ] and they start strapping on going, "no, it will be okay.
I'm sorry if i look like a beekeeper right now."
[ Laughter ] and then they start locking and loading.
The moment they land, they do a combat landing, which is they come in
at 45 degrees.
So you're like this going, "are we going to pull out?"
[ Laughter ] "oh, no, really, are you going to level off? This is really
scary."
And finally, they level off and go, "i kidding you."
[ Laughter ] and then when you take off, they do a combat takeoff, which
is like, "ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Whoa!"
And then they rev the engines up. 
[ Laughter ] but it is this wild thing. The moment you get off the plane,
everybody's heavily armed. It's like Charlton Heston's wet dream.
>>��Conan: Right.
[ Laughter ] he dreamed of that world for so long.
>> "Finally, guns don't kill people, apes kill people."
[ Laughter ] "ahh! It's alive!"
[ Laughter ]
>>��Conan: I want to play the tape back on that one.
>> Wait.
[ Robin imitating rewinding tape ]
>>��Conan: There we go, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
>> But the nice thing is that people were just so happy to have someone
get off the plane.
They're just --" oh, you're here." And the amazing thing is, they can't
drink alcohol.
I guess, muslim country, number one. And women dressed in hefty bags,
number two. 
[ Laughter ]
>>��Conan: And we have to respect that while we're there.
>> We have to respect that. Because you don't want people going,
"whoa, burqa babe! Whoa!"
[ Laughter ] "yeah! Hockey player, get over here, girl."
[ Laughter ] "yo, Freddy Krueger! Whoa!" No, they don't want that.
>>��Conan: They don't want that.
>> So they drink o'douls, which is a nonalcoholic beer. Which is
kind of like using a nerf vibrator, it doesn't work.
[ Laughter ] these guys are pounding out about 50 of them going, "i am
so not drunk."
[ Laughter ] but they -- I would do these shows where they couldn't have
large gatherings of people.
You can't have a little mini Woodstock, and all of a sudden, the Taliban
are going, "at last. They're there."
So you can perform for like 400 people at one place. And in Kandahar,
i did this kind of show in the back of a truck.
There's a bunch of guys watching the show, and I see them in the back,
there's three guys sitting on top of a propane tank smoking a cigarette.
And I went, "this is a wild group." Armed amish. 
[ Laughter ] it's like these guys with full beards and a semiautomatic
weapon --
fully automatic weapons going, "hey, robin, nice to meet you."
"Get in the carriage, Ezekiel."
[ Laughter ] and they're there, and everybody wants them to shave off their
beards,
but they're supposed to blend in.
They're suppose to be part -- and they go on these raids.
And they start showing you the stuff that they use, like the night-vision
goggles, which are --
you can tell what religion people are. You know, it's like, "whoa, Johnny."
[ Laughter ]
>>��Conan: Oh, god.
>> Many people will be on their way, they'll go, "oh!"
[ Laughter ] write that one down. 
>>��Conan: They have the good stuff.
>> Oh, yeah, they got that thing, the unmanned drone called "the
predator."
And they nicknamed it "the flying dildo," which is what it looks like.
You look up in the sky going, "my god, look at that [ bleep ] go."
[ Laughter ] and I wrote down -- you should call it "the little focker."
You know, it flies hard, flies long, sponsored by viagra, and I put that
on the side.
And then they're going, "you civilians are real funny." And this thing
is like --
[ imitating a plane propeller ] and takes off.
>>��Conan: That doesn't sound like a good plane when it does that.
>> All you have to have is one pakistani with a remote control
going, "I'm going to mess with the government." 
[ Laughter "i'm going to crash your billion-dollar toy.
I'm going to mess with your billion dollar toy."
[ Laughter ] but it was a great, great time. I had a wonderful time.
The thing where you sign autographs like crazy and take pictures.
Once again, it's like men, women everybody is coming up to take a picture,
but they're all like with shotguns, machine guns going,
"excuse me, robin. Can you? Thank you." And taking pictures.
For me, it was just a great thing to let them know, number one, they're
not forgotten.
Because a lot of them have been there for a year.
>> Conan:� Right, right, right.
[ Cheers and applause ] 
>> number two, going place to see, because afghanistan --
a guy who could put on roofs could make a big living there.
>>� Conan: Right, right.
[ Laughter ]
>> because you fly overhead going, "there's no roofs anywhere."
[ Laughter ] and it's mined like crazy. I mean, there's -- it' be a long
time before they have the afghan open
. It will be a difficult time. "The fifth green -- oops, okay."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: It's a great thing you went. We got to
take a break. We'll come back.
More with Robin Williams in a sec stick around.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ cheers]
>>� Conan: We're back. Sitting here with Robin Williams.
[ Robin speaking in an irish accent ]
>> Conan O'Brien, god bless you, god bless the irish people.
God bless what you've done. You've saved civilization.
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: I'm glad we did something.
>> Oh, then you had a couple guinness and forget where you put
it.
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: That's actually true.
>> Yeah, it is. "Where is it? Oh, you lost it again." "Let's
dance for --"
[ laughter ]
>>� Conan: We do the straight-legged dancing. I didn't
even know that. 
>> Riverdance wrestlers.
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: I want to ask you a few things.
First of all, I had mentioned Ben Affleck, J. Lo --
>> oh, they're getting married.
>> Conan: They're getting married. You've worked with both of these people, haven't you?
>> Yes, years ago, i did a movie with J. Lo called "Jack." And
she was my teacher, and what a wonderful teacher she was.
[ Laughter ] she was a hands-on instructor.
[ Laughter ]
[ imitating J. Lo ] "you should work with me slowly and learn to say the
things" -- no,
I was very -- had a couple of scene but i couldn't propose.
She was in a relationship with someone else for about five minutes at
that point. 
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: You missed your window of opportunity.
>> "There's a minute. Oh, there's somebody else."
And now she's, i guess, going to marry Ben. And god bless him and good
luck.
[ Laughter ] I'll start the watch now.
>>� Conan: Yeah, we'll see what happens.
[ Applause ]
>> there's people laying bets. "I got eight months." "No, a year,
my man, a year."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: A year.
>> "It's the Julia Roberts/Ben Affleck race. Who goes first?"
Oh, there's a --
[ laughter ]
>>� Conan: People are like --
>> "don't you make fun of julia. Uh-uh." 
[ Laughter ] "it's like saying� Britneyspears, she is a virgin.
Uh-uh, uh-uh. Don't make me. Uh-uh."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: People draw the line at Julia.
>> "Julia roberts/Ben Affleck, that's okay. Julia, uh-uh."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: Now let me ask you about Eminem. Big weekend -- his movie made $54 million. Number one --
>> number one movie, and there's probably executives going, "oh,
my god, he's a white boy."
[ Laughter ] $54 million. I hope he gets an academy award nomination and
i hope he gets to sing at the academy awards,
'cause i just want to see him up there and all the censors and he's going
-- 
yo, yo, got to do that thing come on ...
Mother [ bleep ] be ...
[ laughter ]
>> conan: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
What was that all about?
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> I'm just getting people ready...� "We run a clean show here."
>> Conan: That's right.
>> God bless you. God bless you all. And god bless the pope.
[ Chanting ]
[ laughter ]
>>� Conan: Please, please, mr. Pope. Please, please,
mr. Pope. Please.
[ Laughter ]
>> b-21.
[ Chanting ] 
>>� Conan: Oh, y'll pay for that.
>> I will.
>>� Conan: You'll pay.
[ Robin speaking in an irish accent ] There'll be people after you now."
[ Conan speaking in an irish accent ]
>>� Conan: "Oh, they'll be people waiting for you."
[ Laughter ] "oh, the leprechauns will get you."
>> And the one jewish one, the lepre-cohen.
[ Laughter ] "i got a pot of gold, but I invest boy."
[ Laughter ] oh, you're a little old to be believing in that, aren't you
now?"
>>� Conan: It's not right. It's just not right. 
>> It's people should do this in public. And don't you ever
say Julia again.
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: They're watching you.
>> They're watching, but i wish Ben good luck. He's a wonderful
guy.
I worked with he and Matt Damon and they're good, good, people. And Mattie's
a wonderful young man.
He was with Winona at one time before she used to go, "got it, got it,
want it, stole it."
[ Laughter ] I'm sure she's going through a hard time.
Nobody knows the makeup i own
nobody knows but Winona
[ laughter ] "oh, my god, she's going over the hedge."
>>� Conan: She's going nowhere that woman. 
>> Yeah, yeah. No, I think it was a sad thing.
When you saw the tapes and it was like jacques shoplifting like, "oops,
oh, look, oh, the tape."
Thank god she wasn't Harry Winston. "Where's the necklace?" "I don't
know."
>>� Conan: Kind of hard to get away with it there.
>> Yeah, that's kind of hard to get away -- like, "uh-oh, price
tag."
[ Laughter ] sorry. Once again, you run a clean show. Don't do that.
>>� Conan: You've alienated, I think, nine major celebrities
during this interview.
[ Laughter ]
>> well, let's finish them off then. 
[ Laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>>� Conan: Let's see, who we got? Me --
>> hold one, it's Jay Leno on line two.
[ Imitating Jay Leno ] "hey, Conan, what are you doing the thing with the
thing there?"
[ Laughter ]
[ both imitating jay leno ]
[ laughter ]
>> even dogs in montana are going, "there's a noise."
[ Laughter ] it's wonderful for me to be here tonight with the Grateful
Dead, though. Which I mean --
[ cheers and applause ]
>> Conan: The Other Ones.
>> Or as i like to say, "Jerry's kids."
[ Laughter ] because there are people wandering around San Francisco --
it's very hard to see someone --
you can't do this everywhere. 
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: Right.
>> You can't do that in the New York stock exchange going, "oh,
enron? Enron's down."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: Now they have a reason again.
>> They're like religious followers. They're like, you know,
it's like, "he's coming back."
"No, he's not jesus, honey. He's gone." I mean, it's weird.
Did you read in "time" magazine they found the brother of jesus, the
tomb of the brother of Jesus.
>>� Conan: That's right.
>> James, Jim, the brother of Jesus. That's a tough gig.
[ Laughter ] "how's your brother?" "Oh, great."
"Come on, Jimmy, we're going to the beach."
"Great, mom. Is jesus going to walk on the water, heal everybody, feed
them, get disciples,
all I get is sand in the crack of my ass. Great." 
[ Laughter ] "who's your brother?" "You know"
>>� Conan: Oh.
[ Laughter ] I couldn't believe -- and eight more people, and yet -- people
there are like,
"oh, that's too much."
>> "Oh, that's too much."
>>� Conan: "I'm leaving."
>> "Yeah, he's a carpenter, I'm a plumber, do the math."
[ Laughter ] "now you've gone too far," you're right.
>>� Conan: You've used up all your time. And --
>> and i've offended everybody.
>>� Conan: You've ruined me in this business. I now
have the coveted 2:30 A.M. Slot.
[ Laughter ]
>> oh, you mean the "too late show"? 
[ Laughter ]
� they'll be like that going, "only the dead."
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>� Conan: I thought I had that now.
All this good stuff. The cd, "live 2002," is out there.
>> Yes, this is the dvd, this is the audio, this is the visual,
combine them and you have a wonderful evening.
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: That's an incredible evening. If only you had put audio in this.
>> I also want to say Martha Stewart has a new line of cosmetics
called "beyatch," good luck with that.
[ Laughter ] it's a wonderful thing. I can't wait till prisoners start
going, "this macaroni is al dante." 
[ Laughter ] "mr. Conan O'Brien, thank you for having me on the show.
This has been a lot of fun."
[ Laughter ]
>>� Conan: Robin Williams, everybody. The Other Ones
coming up. We'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause ]