"The Not-So-Secret Garden"
by Vorfeed

In the fair city of Coeur Duane.. (er... Coeur d'Alene) there lives a businessman. Now, this businessman owns a big, famous resort and golf course on the lake in this city, and the city is grateful to him, for these two fine establishments bring in thousands of tourists a year. One day not too long ago, this businessman made a proposal to his city- he would build, at no expense to the taxpayers, a gigantic botanical garden, with free admission to the public, in the midst of downtown. However, to many of the city's residents, this plan was too good to be true- in order to construct the gardens, two blocks of downtown's major street would have to be closed, all businesses on it to be relocated or closed for good.

"But," whined the businessman, "I want some way to pay homage to my beloved parents, and what better way than to take control over the downtown area of an entire city?"

While many in the city were skeptical (some were vehemently opposed to the proposal), both local newspapers supported the project. One of these papers, the city's own, just happened to be owned by the businessman himself.

"'Fair and balanced,' my achilles heel!" the businessman snorted. "I'm going to pay so-called respectable journalists to write editorials and commentaries in favor of my garden! The impressionable citizens of this city are all Republican anyway- they watch Fox News, and they aren't going to notice my clever-yet-blatantly-obvious plan!"

However, the businessman underestimated the intelligence of those "impressionable citizens," and a great number of them spoke out against his plans. Dejected, the businessman feigned defeat.

"You win," he mumbled dejectedly. "If the citizens of this fair city are not willing to cooper- er, I mean, are not in favor of the construction of my garden in their already cramped and monopolized downtown, then I shall abandon my plans."

Thus, everything was quiet for several weeks. However, on his newspaper's official website, there remained blueprints for the apparently abandoned project, a crimson "CANCELLED" stamp emblazoned across them. Some area citizens began to wonder why these plans remained weeks after the project's cancellation.

Then, a story broke. The businessman had approached the mayor of the city next door, Post Falls (which is short for A Big Metal Post Falls on the Townspeople's Heads, Knocking All Common Sense from Their Skulls), with an offer- he would build his gardens in a park alongside the city's flagship river, thus eliminating the problem of traffic diversion and closure of vital businesses! A handful of residents of this second city were enthralled; the last time they were offered something of this artistic and cultural significance... well, there is a first time for everything, one must suppose.

Alas, the clever businessman knew that ultimately, his garden would not be built in Post Falls, for if it was not constructed of cheap plastic and made in China and on sale at Wal-Mart for $2.99, the citizens would not buy it, even if was explicitely stated as being free. Besides, constructing a garden in Post Falls instead of his own city meant no tourist revenue for his resort and floating golf course! He knew exactly what would happen- the citizens of his hometown, who had so coldheartedly rejected him weeks ago, would come back crying in a fit of desperate jealousy, constantly reminded of what magnificance they could have had by the sobering images on their newspaper's website.

"Why did you take our garden away from us, Lord Hagadone? Why? We love you so much; isn't it obvious considering the freedom we give you to build whatever business you want whereever you want whenever you want? Come back to us, Lord Hagadone, and you shall receive complete control of our beloved, historic main street!"

So, the businessman returned to his hometown and was hailed as a hero for coming up with such an ingenious plan that would bring cherished memories to the rich tourists who visited his resort. Solid gold golf balls for everyone, huzzah!

Vorfeed's note:
...But seriously, that last part hasn't really happened yet. He has proposed it to Mayor Larkin (whom I respect greatly), but with those "CANCELLED" pictures on the website, and the prospect of drawing tourists away from Coeur d'Alene, the plan does seem rather fishy. It would actually be pretty cool if that was in Post Falls, considering we don't have much else here. I just know that it is too good to be true.