"Trained Monkey Week, I Mean Homecoming"
by Vorfeed

"Good morning." A Loud Voice echoed over the loudspeaker. The Voice's servants stopped their daily consuming of strong coffee (the strongest available) to listen to their Leader. "Today is an even day for hall duty. Thank you."

A new week had begun at the establishment, but this was not just any regular time of the year. This week would prove how much loyalty, bravery, and dignity the establishment's minions had for what they affectionately referred to as their "Big Brother." For them, Big Brother was not just a place for education, it was the center of their social lives and the leech which harnessed their very life forces in order to receive more federal funding.

The ideal combination?

Loyalty: Mind-numbing amounts.

Bravery: Just enough to still be afraid of rebelling.

Dignity: Absolutely none.

After making His morning announcement, the Exalted Leader left His office and paraded down the hallways to observe how many of His senior minions had sworn their loyalty to Him on the "spirit-optional" day. He was already filled with pride after once again managing to complete an entire loudspeaker announcement in less than twenty minutes (for Him, it was quite a feat), but when He came across His Valiant Spawn, He was overcome. Father and Son greeted Each Other in the usual fashion, which consisted of slapping Each Other on the back several times.

"Well, my Son, I see You have the most extravagant costume of all!" the Leader said.

"My magical scepter is making My hand golden!" the Son whined, but His Father ignored Him. The Son was dressed as an ancient king, complete with a golden staff. Nevermind that His outfit violated His Father's Own DRESS CODE™, or that the "magical scepter" was made of a broomstick and styrofoam ball spraypainted gold.

As the day went on, it was quite apparent that the Exalted Leader and His male comrades had designed the theme of this special day for a reason. Observing the female senior minion population, one could see that "Senior Goddess" day was an excuse to let the more... let's say "well-endowed" students blatantly violate the DRESS CODE™ without prosecution.

Early in the day, previously unannounced minion class meetings were held. The spontaniety of these worked to ensure the Leader's servants that this week would not be one which would allow for much productive work to be completed or even started. Thus, the servants gave up and the minions received a four-day holiday in exchange for their loyalty.

The next day, minions arrived at Big Brother dressed as the minions of years past. The minions, in their blind patriotism, believed this to be an exciting new experience; they could now wear beloved hot pink Spandex short-shorts and moon boots without being ridiculed by their peers. However, the day's theme was merely a scheme concocted by the Leader to remind His servants Who was in charge by forcing them to be reminded how old they really were.

At the end of the day, a "spirit assembly" was held in the holiest of holy sites: The Arena. Unofficial doctrine dictates that worship in The Arena must be performed by stomping one's feet and chanting phrases meant to please Lord Pigskin, Who Art Our God Who Lives in the Rose Bowl. At the assembly, minions worshipped and performed ceremonial rituals such as arm wrestling and burrito eating. The senior minions were triumphant at both of these holy rituals, eliciting great excitement from the Valiant Spawn of Our Leader, who called for all seniors to give a victory chant to Lord Pigskin.

"Good morning." A Loud Voice echoed over the loudspeaker. The Voice's servants stopped their daily consuming of strong coffee (the strongest available) to listen to their Leader. "Today is an even day for hall duty. Thank you." No, it was not Monday all over again; the Leader's even day announcements came, like clockwork, every other day.

"Howdy pardnurs," another voice said over the loudspeaker. This one belonged to a female, so obviously it did not belong to anyone holding any sort of power.

"Hooooowwwwwdy hooo!!" the minions answered with more enthusiasm than a maggot in a pile of rotting flesh.

"Please stand for the Pledge of Ultimate Loyalty to Our Supreme Leaders of Leaders, Vice President Terminator 5000™ and His Holy President, The Almighty Shrub of El Paso." Each and every minion rose to his or her feet and faced the rectangular piece of fabric permanently fixed on the cement, steel-reinforced walls. This was no ordinary cloth; it was multicolored to attract and hold the attention of even the most attention deficitious minions.

"I pledge allegiance to the Supreme Leaders of Leaders, Vice President Terminator 5000™ and His Holy President, The Almighty Shrub of El Paso, and to Big Brother, for which It stands, one football, Which is our God, undefeatable, with detention and in-house for all. Amen." The minions finished their Pledge with a Hail Mary. The female announcer continued:

"Today's grub consists of industrialized Rocky Mountain oysters with a big ole helping of zucchini fritters." The voice continued with more mind-numbingly boring announcements.

The day's dress attire was not entirely unfamiliar with the minions, given the nature of society in the area in which they resided. Yes, many of the town's residents loved to wear tight, uncomfortable pants and boots and big, tacky hats. They also loved to listen to the Holy President's favorite music. As earlier stated, the minions reveled in this excuse to be like those big people in the "outside world."

At that day's assembly, minions stomped and chanted some more. This time, the rituals consisted of making the most popular male minions look like the most popular female minions- what a drastic switch! -and finding a lone Happy Hyper Sugar and Red Dye #40 Pill™ in a ceremonial bowl of whipped bovine body secretions.

It was around the end of day three that the Exalted Leader began to suspect that His minions and servants had forgotten what this week of loyalty was all about. It was not necessarily just about demonstrating loyalty to His Exalted Self or His Valiant Spawn, but ultimately, loyalty to Lord Pigskin. No need to worry, however, as He had the next day's events planned out to the dime.

The day's theme was simple- dress in Big Brother's favorite colors. Coincidentally, Big Brother's favorite holiday was Halloween, explaining the convenient proximity of the week of loyalty to the day of dressing in cheap costumes and begging for processed goods. This day saw the greatest turnout of all, proving that the loyalty of the minions rested more with Big Brother than anything else. This pleased the Exalted Leader greatly. He called for an hourlong assembly, eliminating one labor period; it was a great plan- the minions were happy, and He got to bask in their gratefulness towards Him.

At this assembly, each class of minions performed skits honoring both Big Brother and Lord Pigskin. Most of these skits involved the more voluptuous female minions dressed in ceremonial robes of Lord Pigskin dancing as if they were offering the most secret and holy of their bodies' temples to God. More than half of the senior minions partook in the ceremonial beverage of Lord Pigskin before performing; it was obvious as they were exceptionally enthusiastic. The Valiant Spawn of the Exalted Leader once again called for chanting, and He was granted His wish.

Also at the gathering, the Holy Warriors of Big Brother, Exalted Leader, and Holy Lord Pigskin were introduced to the minions. Wearing their holy robes, all 500,000 of the Holy Warriors gathered in the center of The Arena, cheered for by the rest of the minons, who were utterly insignificant in value compared to them. The Holy Warriors were especially vital during this week, when they would be fighting a fierce battle against untamed wild animals to preserve the honor and dignity of Big Brother. Everything that had happened that week was just an appetizer to this main course. As the fourth day came to a close, the insignificant minions were restless as they angsted over whether or not the Holy Warriors would succeed, for the Exalted Leader and his servants had drilled this simple fact into their heads:

If they lost, the world would surely come to an end.

Finally, the Holy Day had come. The Holy Warriors met on the battlefield, ready to face the wild beasts that challenged them. The insignificant minions cheered, stomped, and chanted to Lord Pigskin from the sidelines. Although the battle was exciting, it was not without its gut-wrenching moments. It goes without saying what the outcome was, for true minions know what went on.

After the battle, the minions crowded into Big Brother for a celebration of Lord Pigskin. The Valiant Spawn of the Exalted Leader was crowned the King of Everything, and celebrations of Lord Pigskin and His Holy Warriors continued into the next several weeks. Everything was business as usual in Big Brother... that is, until the Holy Week of the Field Swine... but that is a different story of a different god and a different battle...

The end...?