11/11/00 (make a wish)

the sky used to be beautiful mosaics of color as i came home from work in the evenings; pinks radiating over purples melting into oranges playing hide and seek behind blues. now, as soon as i walk out of the building, all that is visible is an eternity of thick blackness. no colors, no clouds, no stars. someone has spilled printer’s ink all over the pallet and i don’t like it one bit.

registration for classes was last week. it was absolute hell. i’m not sure how they deem who is worthy of registering first or last, other than that upper classmen get priority, but the gods of scheduling must not like me too much because i ended up being about dead last. i was on the phone for hours, listening to the busy signal drone into my ear, and once i finally was able to get through, all the good classes were long gone. i ended up with only four courses, barely enough to qualify as a fulltime student, even less than i’m taking this semester (and this semester was very slack). this means i’m going to have to kick ass catching up on my credits in the years to come and keep my fingers (and most likely my toes) crossed in hopes that i can get a better schedule next year.

and i’m not taking german next semester. after close to six years, i’m taking a break from it, even though it was supposed to be my major. i’m not sure if it’s the smartest decision; i haven’t even quit taking it yet and i’m already beginning to miss it. but at the same time, it’s the only class i’ve taken this semester that i don’t feel i’ve learned anything in and i can’t just force feed it to myself just because i’ve stuck with it for so long. i’ve sacrificed everything for german in the past, had to completely plan my life around it in order to be able meet it’s specific demands, and the idea of dropping it after all that is ... unnerving.

but i haven’t left it for good; not yet. it’s as if german and i are engaged and i’m breaking up the relationship so that we can have some time apart and see other people. i need to step away from german to see if i can evaluate whether or not it’s what i want to do with the rest of my life. and i want to try other fields that might be more promising; which is, as always, impossible to do while taking german because of the difficult scheduling that german requires. but german and i can still be friends. hell, maybe we’ll even still date. and maybe after next semester i’ll realize that i made a huge mistake and am still desperately in love in german and we’ll get back together. and maybe i’ll stop referring to my coursework as a pseudo-love life.

at work there is this tough as nails middle-aged woman, maybe in her forties. she’s got thick, sun stained skin that reminds me of cracked leather, arms broadened by labor, slumped shoulders that never attended etiquette classes, frazzled blondish hair that’s going gray and doesn’t give a damn, a voice like sandpaper from too many cheap cigarettes, and a foul vocabulary and ill disposition to match. she passes through the day grumbling and cussing and throwing things around as she complains about her job and her boss and how evil The Man is through tight lips as she chomps away on gum that i can only guess is a substitute for the tobacco she chews in her off hours. i imagine her sitting at home on the front porch in a rocker with a yellowed dog at her feet, spitting globs of the brownish-black, gooey stuff into a can with shrill, ringing ping! noises and record breaking aim that can only be taught through many years of country style baseball. i can only smile to myself and wish that i had taken up little league.

kim and i rearranged all our furniture in a fit of rage and boredom at four in the morning last week. the room looks so much larger, and so unfamiliar now. i keep stumbling into desks and wastebaskets and bedposts that weren’t there before, bruised knees and stubbed toes. i used to have my desk area set up like a little hutch, tucked away into the corner with everything i ever used within my immediate reach and now i have to go completely across the room to fetch a pen. it seems like such a trek. i keep forgetting where everything is and losing things, too. i’ve found myself standing in the middle of the floor countless times, chewing on my lip, scratching my head and turning in circles trying to remember where i left my life.

time is going by way too fast. i’m losing days and entire weeks are being swallowed whole without my noticing. i’ll be going back to danville again in nine days. i’ll blink and the next thing i know, i’ll be there: hugs, friends, drinks, rowdiness, whiskers, microwavable diet, smells that i’ve forgotten that i remember.