this isn't from january, but i don't feel like making a separate page for just one entry so i'm sticking it here.

12/11/00

i’ve been meaning to write here for a long time now; i’ve even had a lot to say. but it hasn’t happened. i could say that life has been hectic with exams and whatnot and i simply haven’t had the time, which would be true except that i’ve been blowing those off as well, so i won’t. did that sentence even make any sense? i don’t know. those are three little words i’ve been saying way too much lately... “i don’t know.” i don’t like those words. i like to pretend to have a grip and know who i am and those three teensy tiny little words just fuck that all up for me. i’ve got so much on my mind these days, but even the idea of putting it into words has seemed exhausting. i just want someone to plug a metal device into the base of my cerebrum and suck all this confusion out and put it there on the page, black and white, nice and neat, done with and filed away.

i’ve been desperately wanting to write about everything and clear out my head, but i haven’t had the energy. and i still don’t. i keep telling myself that i’ll write about everything later on, so that i can actually do it justice. or that i have other priorities that i need to take care of first. but it doesn’t seem like later on will be happening any time soon and my priorities aren’t getting done, either, so i can’t keep using those bullshit excuses. i sit down to study for my exams and fall asleep. i’ve been sleeping way too much, nine-ten hours (over twice as much as i’m used to) and it’s getting to me. i’m tired all the time for no good reason. i’m not sick; i just feel stressed, yet there isn’t any stressor. i’m being disconcertingly apathetic towards the things that should be stressing me, yet still feeling strung out and worn thin all the time. nothing gets done, yet i’m always spent. i feel foggy and distant, even to myself, and people keep frowning at me when they see me, asking me what’s wrong, putting the backs of their hands to my forehead and asking if i’m feeling all right. i try to smile and say i’m fine, but i don’t think i’m very convincing.

but i am fine, dammit. there’s nothing wrong. i have no reason to feel so disoriented and it’s pissing me off. except i don’t really have the energy to be pissed, either. so, i just sleep. i’m not explaining any of this right.

whenever i speak, my voice sounds strange to me, and i ramble. people ask who it is i am talking to, and i never even know myself. and this isn’t making me feel any better, either. i’m not saying anything right.

my suitemates are being loud and inconsiderate. it’s not pissing me off, because once again, i’m too apathetic about everything these days to even get pissed off. but my roommate and suitemate are both trying to sleep and have exams tomorrow (i do too, but...yeh, i already said that) and i know they’re not appreciating it at all. i could get up and ask them to shut up, but i’d either get overly emotional and scream, “shut the fuck up!” and burst into tears or i’d get to the doorway and forget what i as doing and stumble back into my room in a confused, uncaring daze without having said anything at all. and that’s another thing. i’ve been strangely emotional lately. i don’t know what the deal is with that, either. i’m not a very moody chick; i’m basically always feeling all right and in a good mood. and even when i do get pissed, stressed, sad, whatever, i can keep it in check and handle it well. but the littlest things have been setting me off recently. a small fight with my parents, a phone call from the mother of one of my best friends, and i’m shaking with hot, painful tears streaming down my face. i’ve cried twice over the past three days. i usually only cry that much over the span of a year.

there’s so much more i’d like to say, but i don’t have the strength to get into it all right now (how redundant is this?). i’m going to go to bed, wake up, cram, take and flunk exam, come home, sleep more, wake back up, cram again, take and fail another exam, entertain my family for a little while, cram yet again, take and fail my last exam, then toss my things into a torn, oversized, dusty green duffel bag and blue clothes hamper, shove them in the back of my parents’ station wagon and go back to danville for three weeks. i’m not looking forward to it. especially if i’m going to continue feeling this lost.