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Community
Announcement:
**Warning
this may offend**
It
is my job as Head of Psychology at Weasel University to inform the
public of a serious syndrome, that has recently found it’s way
to our shores, heading over from the United States of America.
This is none other than the Lead Singer Syndrome. People with this
syndrome should be approached with complete caution, and this
syndrome is not to be taken lightly.
Lead
Singer Syndrome (LSS) and sometimes known as “I love
myself”disorder is a rare syndrome that is only experienced by a
minority of people, who, as research shows, have all been Lead
singers (Funnily enough!). Some examples of known cases of LSS
include; Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit), Courtney Love (Hole), Phil
Jamieson (Grinspoon), Patrick Robertson (motor ace), Alex McRae
(Soggy Rotten Shindigs) and the most extreme case known in
Australia, Bernard Fanning of Powderfinger. People have even been
known to die from this rare syndrome, including Kurt Cobain, Jim
Morrison, Freddy Mercury and John Denver (You’d better believe
it!)
LSS
is an ego based disorder which usually results in the lead singer
having a big ego and being the bunt of all the rest of the band
members jokes. The LSS sufferer is also likely to be caught
bragging about how good their band is.
Basic
Symptoms (We have chosen Bernard Fanning as our prime example):
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As
the name suggests, lead singers can only suffer from this
unfortunate problem.
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The
individual thinks of themselves very highly, and insists on
telling the world about how good they are. (Otherwise known as
arrogancy which is extremely common amongst LSS sufferers) An
example of this is the man in question, Mr Bernard Fanning,
who has been known to tell the members of the distinguished
Powderfinger discussion board how good looking, talented and
intelligent he is, and is usually the case, no one believes
him.
-
LSS
sufferers always manage to be the only band member to be
interviewed or mentioned when a band is being spoken about.
For example; Extract from a disliked Melbourne ‘rock’
radio station, “And next up we’ll have Bernie and the boys
with My Happiness” (Yeah that’s right… That’s a real
quote!)
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The
LSS sufferer will also manage to get their ugly mug in every
shot when guest programming rage.
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They
are continually telling everyone that “Their” band is the
“Best band in the world!” See Big Day Out 2001 Sydney Set
and 1999 The Panel interview for evidence.
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Never
letting the audience at their own gigs sing a line, as they
feel paranoid when they can’t hear their own voice. This is
backed up by ANYONE that’s ever been to a Powderfinger
concert and thought “Yeah.. Bernard will let us sing this
line of My Happiness along with the band!” and it doesn’t
happen…
-
Usually
refuses to do anything anyone else requests of them. This is
shown through Bernard Fanning’s blatant refusal to play
‘Tail’ at their later concerts. (We know he hears us).
This symptom is made worse by the LSS sufferer blaming the
other members instead of taking the blame themselves for not
doing anything they are asked.
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Tips
for approaching the LSS sufferer:
Always
be cautious, the LSS sufferer experiences emotional instability, and
has been known to have multiple personalities. In the circumstance
that you meet a different personality, be sure to not inflate it’s
ego anymore than needed.
·
Try to avoid LSS
sufferers when they have been drinking alcoholic products as they
have been known to become abusive, arrogant and regards themselves
high enough to piss in the gutter, with anyone watching. (Yes ladies
and gentlemen, the one and only Bernard Fanning did do this, if you
would like to know more… Email the fanzine!)
·
Beware
of sufferers who are about to, or have consumed marijuana. This
particular substance seems to bring out the husky, depressed, hidden
side of the sufferer, that no one should see. Oh, and the
schizophrenia seems to flair up again.
·
NEVER
approach a LSS sufferer whilst they have a notepad and pen in their
hand. This is usually the international code for “Piss Off! I’m
writing yet another Hottest 100 number 1 song!”
How
to keep LSS under control:
As
is proven, the LSS sufferer has an ego problem, and the only way to
overcome this is to deflate the ego. This can be achieved by the
other members of the band joining forces against the lead singer,
and attempting to kill, hurt or psychologically damage the ego.
However a simple idea this seems, it does not always work, as some
bands have piss weak band members that cannot follow through with
the assassination attempts.
“Why
is it Bernie that the guys always seem to hurt you in the clips? DZ-
We try and try… and will try again. BF- because the rest of them
secretly hate me because I’m so popular and good looking. DZ-
Bastard”
It
is best for the lead singer to not visit the band members chat room,
as there always seems to be an abundance of praise for the lead
singer there. This problem is being combated in a research program
at www.powderfinger.com
where there has been an organization set up to deflate the biggest
ego of them all, through what is known as RE-354 (Cogsy’s Army).
This small (Yet growing) organization has been set up with the
specific goal of helping Bernard Fanning deal with his problem.
Please,
give generously to the “Stop LSS before it grows” foundation,
and if you would like to know more about the Cogsy’s Army, or the
Bernard is an Ugly Bastard campaign, contact the fanzine and they
will get you in touch with the right people.
Dr.
Tarcutta
Head
Of Psychology
Weasal
University
Nimbin
-Written
by Jesska.
Photo
Taken by Kerry, Ó
to Her. |