-When the directions on your hair die say do not use near genitals, that's not a suggestion; don't learn the hard way.
-Just because it's retro doesn't mean it's cool
-You got problems dude.
-We're here! We're queer! Get use to it!
-You're against gay rights?
-sex oil!
-Go back to.. smokeslavnia!..
-Hey, happy orange alert everybody!
-Hello? Yes? Oh, okay! Apparently, I'm an idiot.
-The score at the half is Oakland Raiders-3, Tampa Bay Buccaneers- 327.
-In honor of that, I'm hammered.
-President Bush agreed to delay the attack, then he winked so hard you could hear it over the phone.
-We're not hobbits.
-Aretha was lighting her farts again.
-There's a buffalo wing in this bra..
-You should probably take care of your children reguardless..
-I'd rather say midget, it's funnier
-Yeah, 'I got dat'
-I can't believe you just said that, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard..
-I got my hair done the other day baby, you know what I got? I tell you what I got..
-Well I'm an idiot, and I'm your boy.. yeah yeah yeah! da da da da da da, bippidy bop bippidy bop bippidy bop bop bop yeeeeah, friiiiiiend
-She acts like she invented glasses. Guess what, Tina - you didn't invent glasses!
-Suck it, Mikey Sanders! I have a Guh-rammy! It's a done.. a-deal
-I'll tell you what I'm gonna do when I win that Grammy - I'm gonna use it to smash those damn glasses she has on.
-Revenge is a dish best served cold with a side of Grammy!
-Know who else I'm gonna call when I win? Ghostbusters!
-Lemme tell ya something: "Bustin' makes me feel good!" Again, save it, Fallon, it's gold! It's Grammy gold!
-Welcome back, I'm Pat O'Brien. I don't breathe through my nose ever.
-Don't be fooled with the rocks that I've got. I'm still Pat O'Brien from the block.
-Kids under 12 get free "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" action figures.
-Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one command at a time here.
-What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.
-My brain doesn't have a zip drive!
-I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig.
-This is the guy who refused to open his e-mail because he was afraid he'd get anthrax.
-Well, how many albums does Frankie Goes to Hollywood have?
-Dude! I just threw my beer into the ocean!
-What-ever! My boss is a douche!
-Little Steven, your country needs you!
-My wife is a black bear!
-So now, who's the idiot- you? or me, the guy who married a black bear?
-I'd like to say congratulations and good luck, to the Northeastern High Gay Birds.
-Oh, hey Megan. Nice coconuts.
-In entertainment news, Robert Downey, Jr. appears to be dating.. me, in drag. I hope that works out for them-slash-us.
-I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.
-Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.
-Nothing sexier than a pair of capri pants made of rattlesnakes.
-You must be the gay cop from the Village People.
-Goby you got ran over by Phish!
-There's nothing better than shooting an animal, chopping off its head, stringing it up, stippin' the skin from its carcass with a curved knife, boiling its hide, dipping it, treating it with chemicals, stretching it, and making it into a garment for a beautiful lady such as yourself.
-Look, Corky. �This is Jeffrey's. Even our labels have their own labels.
-So which part of the '80's are you remembering? The part where you learned to walk, or the part where you stopped eating lunch out of your mom's boob?
-Alright, uh, anyway, so I'm with this girl last nite, right? things get crazy; she puts her finger where it's not suppose to go - I don't know why they do that - anyway, she's making me toast the next morning and I notice her fingernails are all brown, oh my god! It's 5:23 in the A.M. here, we'll be right back with the morning mix!
-I'm going to honest with you right now - I have a boner
-It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo role in the "Men in Black" Sequel, where he plays an alien but doesn't wear a costume. Touche, Michael, you beat us to the joke this time. But we'll be back!
-Dodonpa, the world's fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan. Unfortunately, only eight people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.
-A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son's diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed.
-Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barger shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, "Make me look like AJ."
-Speaking of Britney, she's on the cover of Rolling Stone this week. Can we look at this thing. Ga-ga-ga-goin! Holy God! Hey, that's nice. You know, something looks weird there, I think that photo's doctored. That's not her cleavage. That's my ass!
-Researchers say that men with short legs have an increased risk of heart disease and a condition that could lead to diabetes. Will Charlie Brown never win? You blocked artery head.
-Canada's defense minister announced Monday they will aid the U.S. by contributing six naval ships, six aircraft and a special forces unit, although when converted into American numbers, that became two canoes and a sling-shot.
-A man named Harley Utz died Monday at the age of 103, ending his 83-year-long marriage, the longest on record. On the upside, at last we can betogether, Mrs Utz!
-Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while "Inside Schwartz" boldly did away with humor alltogether.
-Hoping to get people to go to museums again, New York City has started a new ad campaign called "I Love New York Culture." But if they want me to back to museums, they should name the campaign "Sorry We Yelled At You For Touching Stuff, Jimmy Fallon."
-Jennifer Aniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident in Hollywood. The other driver had his car totaled, but on the upside, he gets to tell his friends that he rear-ended Jennifer Aniston. Oh snap!
-Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introdruction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named "Best New Sedizin of the Yizun" by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.
-Marshall Mathers II,the father of rapper Eminem, said this week that he wants to reunite with his son after twenty-five years. Eminem's dad says he is desperate to rebuild their relationship and has left a checking account where he can be reached.
-Zyban, the prescription medication designed to help soem people quit smoking, is being sued in three countries by people claiming family members who took the drug died suddenly. A spokesperson for the pharmeceutical company said, "yes, but are they still smoking?"
-An Australian man, Rodd Milner, announced that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Milner is dead.
-On Wednesday, over sixty medical and women's groups told the government that the morning-after contreceptive pill is safe and should be sold in drugstores and supermarkets without a prescriptsion. 'Okay, I need a price check on the whore pills! I got a drunk girl in a prom dress over here, can we hurry up? Price check, whore pills?'
-It was announced this week that Napster, the music swapping Internet site, will be charging a monthly fee. So it looks like it's back to the old way of getting free music: sending a penny to the Columbia House CD Club and joining under a fake name. And Columbia House, if you're out there, you're never gonna catch me or my name isn't Dr. Theodore J. Fuggelhemerson!
-It was revealed today that the Falun Gong members who lit themselves on fire in Tienanmen Square last week were not making a political statement but were in fact imitating something they saw on an episode of MTV's 'Jackass.'
-During an interview this week on "60 Minutes", Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, "Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?" Adding, "Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions."
-Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,00 to the Screen Actors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, Arsenio Hall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.
-Coming up on Weekend Update Health Watch: Is there a simple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No, no there isn't.
-Officials say that a number of London's historic buildings are being severely eroded by people urinationg on them. Meanwhile, experts have determined that Manhattan was once the size of South America.
-An Arizona company is selling a 'scratch-and-sniff' test to screen for Alzheimers disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel, but forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimers.
-Cliff Hillegass, the creator of Cliff Notes, died Saturday at his home in Lincoln, Nebraska, at the age of 83. Services will be held from 2:00 to 2:05.
-New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That's encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and fabrache eggs!
-Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference, a spokesman for the company stated, "Sixty! 60 fired workers! Ah ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" News of the firings were brought to the employees by the letters "F" and "U".
-Earlier this week, doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cell phone from a woman's rectum. Don't you hate those a-holes who are always on the cell phone? Wait, wait... everytime the phone rings she blames it on the dog!! Wait, quick review of the new Nokia cell phone- it stinks! Back to you, Tina.
-A Pennsylvania woman who was convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge reading, "convicted shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be stealing."
-Rarely, if ever.
-Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail! ... And you though Tropicana Grove Stand was pulpy! ... What brand was it? Man-suckit Nectars?
-American Express announced that it's cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, "Priceless."
-I mean, I wanna vote for eyeball eagle, but I can't tell if I'm gonna vote for serpent three wavy lines. And let me tell you, if serpent three wavy lines wins, I'm moving to Crete.
-This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out.
-Bartalotti, get ready for a mouthful of Jostens!
-Best selling suspense novelist Robert Ludham died this week. Or did he?
-Daniel's from Canada. The other day, me and Gobi convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs.
-Rachel: "Hi, I'm Jill Butt." Jimmy: "Uh.. and I'm Jarret Ass, nice to meet you."
-Sixteen years teaching, fourteen years sober, you do the algebra.
-You just gotta ask the right questions. Like, in 1981, how many grams of crack did Rick James smoke while making 'Super Freak'?
-Tommy, please tell me you got him saying, "polish my tools"
-Irreguardless!
-You don't know me!! You don't know me!
-Hey, where'd you get that dress? Ye Old House of Juggery?
-I'd expect the last thing for you to not find is the menu!!
-A mustache and a British accent works every time!
-They teach this kind of stuff on Blues Clues!
-My snot froze in both my nostrils, what did you expect me to do?! I couldn't breathe!!
-Members only? What do you have to do to be a member? Break lawnchairs?
-Ah, yes... we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards cap with a tape of the "Cheers" finale?
-We drink $8 cappuchinos and chase them down with $12 cappuchinos.
-I don't remember my nightmares and I don't remember you!
-We work at Jeffrey's. We read Italian Vogue. It's our deal. I don't come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.
-My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar, my bum is on fire!
-I'm drunk, ladies and gentlemen.
-Rachel Dratch: "Where can I find lodging and a whore?" Jimmy: "43rd and 10th."
-If I was rich I'd eat a Whopper every day.
-I do all my reports on video because I suffer from an as-yet unnamed learning disability.
-A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants!
-I'm a girl, ya know?
-I'm Carson Daly, and I'm completely average in every way.
-I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool.
-For those of you who don't speak German, "UNIMOG" is translated as, "One mog."
-Can we get rid of this thing? This is chaos.
-I have an opinion. And tonight, I have an opinion-international!!
-Wade's just gettin' over the flu, so in a day or two, when my antibiotics are through, I'll get close to you.
-You can't catch ugly can you?
-My name is French.
-If I have a kid, I'm naming it Nomar. Mark my words.
-Oh so it's the e-mail that's stupid, not you, right?
-Oh, do you want me to save your game of minesweeper here?
-I was thinking maybe you could come over to my mom's crib later on... we could play Playstation 2, or something... look at some games...
-L-O-L semicolon parenthesis!
-I can't marry you, I just bought Playstation 2. It's very time consuming!
-MOOVE!!!
-You're gonna go in there, and MAKE her be your mom!
-If you were thinking of going to happy hour to meet some new friends. Think again. You'll be the only person without a friend or date, and you're too shy to just go up and introduce yourself to strangers. You're just going to be sitting by yourself, paying for drink after drink, until you're a pathetic, quivering mass at the bottom of your barstool. It'll turn out to be Sad Hour instead, for you and everyone involved.
-Optimistic advice not to follow: "Life is what you make it." So I'm the one to blame for all this?
-If you were thinking of going to a family reunion. You're immediate family is bad enough, do you really want to see the people who are responsible for starting this whole mess?
-People seem to like saying, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" They stop smiling when I say, "It will be empty when I pour it over your head!"
-When people say, 'Oh can you hold on for a minute? I have another call.' They really mean, 'Thank God for the mute button I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance.'
-When people say, 'That's so sweet' and 'You are so sweet' they really mean 'Thanks ass-kisser.'
-Don't keep reaching for the stars, you'll just look like an idiot with stretching like that for no reason.
-Some days I wake up, and stare at the ceiling. Then I think, 'Man, I wish it was tomorrow.
-Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of 'The Jetsons' go, and why hasn't he done something about this??'
-Sometimes I wish that I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.
-They say a dog is man's best friend. That's if you're lucky enough to get one of those 'friendly' dogs.
-When people say, "That's very interesting." They really mean, "What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I'd rather just classify it as 'interesting' and not be associated with it at all."
-Growing up, I always wanted to be just like Abe Lincoln. Dead.
-Exercising: You'll probably just break your ankle or twist your knee. You have to be in shape to get into shape- it's a no-win situation like many others.
-There's plenty of fish in the sea: And most are like the one that just dumped you!
-Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today. And if you die in your sleep, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry.
"... I'm learing comedy on Saturday Night Live, and then if I learn dramatic stuff with directors, then I'm like, an unstoppable robot."
-Jesse, Jesse--I'm having cramps.
-Don't treat me like a sexual object!
-I thought I was unprofessional, turns out I'm very professional.
-I don't like the way you're looking at me with that one eye!
-You almost done down there? Yeah, I don't think ya'are.
-I'm doing obviously, Dave Matthews.
-Could you put your pants on please?
-He said, "Bizim Sizim."
-You shut your mouth Roker! You hear me! I mean, I, I got advice from Ali, from Muhammad Ali. Not the Muhammad Ali, a different Muhammad Ali, he's a cab driver, And he gave me advice and he told me to KICK SOME ASS!
-I wanna get blown up in a war movie.
-So I'm in Boston, my sister's getting married, you know, and I'm in Boston walking down the street, and someone's in the car and they're like "HEY JIMMY!" And I'm like "Hey! What's up?" and he goes, "YOU'RE RETARDED!" and I'm like "You are!" He's like honking the horn.
-I'm 2 years old, and I would say, "You dirty rat!"
-Someone should invent action figures that are lanky and have no super powers. Then the youth of today might respect people like me.
-They're so happy for me [his family], they're flipping out. My mom calls me the baby. [As in,] 'The baby's coming home this week' or 'Did you see the baby's sketch last night?' The baby? I shave for God's sake. They're flipping out about that too.
-I have to get a new goal now because I've wanted to be on the show since I was a baby. Anytime I ever cute a birthday cake, if I was throwing a coin in a fountain or saying a prayer, I would always say, 'I want to be on Saturday Night Live.
-When the directions on your hair die say do not use near genitals, that's not a suggestion; don't learn the hard way.
-Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while "Inside Schwartz" boldly did away with humor alltogether.
-It was announced this week that Napster, the music swapping Internet site, will be charging a monthly fee. So it looks like it's back to the old way of getting free music: sending a penny to the Columbia House CD Club and joining under a fake name. And Columbia House, if you're out there, you're never gonna catch me or my name isn't Dr. Theodore J. Fuggelhemerson!
-Cliff Hillegass, the creator of Cliff Notes, died Saturday at his home in Lincoln, Nebraska, at the age of 83. Services will be held from 2:00 to 2:05.
-A Pennsylvania woman who was convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge reading, "convicted shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be stealing." 
-Best selling suspense novelist Robert Ludham died this week. Or did he?
