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Author: Cariann |
On the end was Jack McPhee. Pacey smiled as the memories of Jack flooded his mind. Jack had had a rough time in high school being the only gay student in Capeside, and Pacey always admired his courage to be whom he truly was. Jack was now a successful stockbroker. Pacey never understood how someone as easy going as Jack could be in such a competitive career, but Jack was extremely good at what he did. He lived in New York now with Jen.
Pacey moved his gaze to Jen Lindley who in the photo was standing next to Jack holding her two fingers over his head forming rabbit ears. Jack and Jen were the best of friends a relationship Pacey envied. They had gone to different colleges, but when they graduated they had moved to New York together. Jen was now getting her PHD in English. Pacey smiled as he remembered how much Jen had grown since first arriving in Capeside. Jen was a survivor and after all her problems she had become a beautiful, intelligent woman.
Pacey�s face fell as his eyes drifted to Andie McPhee Jack�s sister, and Pacey�s ex girlfriend. She was as perky as ever in the picture giggling as she watched Jen�s antics. Andie had been his savior at one point. She had picked him up out of the gutter of despair, and failure and set him on the right track making him believe in himself. Of course that was all shattered when she slept with another guy while away for the summer in the hospital. Pacey had not been able to move past that, and their relationship had ended. His whole world, and self worth were put into doubt when she betrayed him, and Pacey to this day was not sure if he ever got over that.
Andie had gone to Harvard, and graduated at the top of her class Magna Cum Laud. She had gone on to Harvard Law where she again graduated at the top of her class second to be exact. She was now working in Los Angeles in a very successful firm. She was also married.
Pacey closed his eyes as he looked from Andie to Dawson in the photo. Dawson Leery Pacey�s best friend since before he could remember. That had all changed in the spring of their junior year when Pacey had done the unthinkable. Pacey had fallen in love with Joey Potter.
Pacey opened his eyes, and stared at the three of them on the end of the photo. Dawson was smiling, but it wasn�t a genuine smile. Joey was giving her patent half smile as she stood next to Dawson. Close enough to not be obvious, but not too close. Pacey was on the end his arm wrapped around Joey�s waist. He was smiling for the camera. Pacey had always been able to mask how he truly felt when needed. He had always been able to put on a smile to hide what was really going on inside of him.
The photo had been taken the day they graduated from Capeside High. The whole year had been one nightmare after another. Coming back from a whole summer away, Pacey and Joey had found Capeside quite different from the Capeside they left. Things changed, and the whole year Pacey had been the outcast. Sure everyone still talked to him, but it was different. Pacey knew he should never have expected it to be okay, but the loneliness and isolation ate at him all year. Add to that his failure, graduating by the skin of his teeth, and Joey leaving, and it was the worst year of his life until today.
Pacey pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He had to think about the good things right now. Pacey picked up another photograph. This one was of the whole group at graduation in their cap and gowns. That night they had celebrated together, and were actually able to put aside their differences, and grievances to just enjoy the night. They had stayed up all night talking, drinking, dancing, and laughing. They had strolled down memory lane remembering the good times.
There were a lot of good times, and Pacey was amazed that they were able to remember them without the guilt, and resentment of how things had turned out. They all separated after that night for college. Andie at Harvard, Jack at Northwestern, Jen at Sarah Lawrence, Dawson at USC, Joey at NYU, and Pacey well he stayed in Capeside and went to Capeside Community College for a few semesters before giving up and moving to Boston where he got a job selling insurance.
In the years following graduation Pacey had talked to Andie, Jen, and Jack occasionally. Pacey had not spoken to Dawson since the night of graduation. Dawson had gone to USC to study photography, but had succumbed to his passion for film and transferred to the film school. He was now working as a Cinematographer, and occasionally making music videos. Pacey had heard that he was also working on getting his first script made.
Pacey picked up the next photograph. He stared at it as tears welled in his eyes. It was a picture of him and Joey taken at the start of their senior year when they were still so very much in love, and most importantly together. They were standing facing each other their arms wrapped around each other tightly. They were both smiling at Bessie as she took the photo.
Pacey tried to remember the happy times of that year with Joey. They had happy times, too many to count, but what Pacey always remembered was the heartbreak. Joey had gotten in to NYU. She had gotten in everywhere she applied, but she wanted to go to NYU. Pacey closed his eyes and remembered the night when she got drunk at Jen�s unbirthday party. He had driven her home, and promised to go be wherever she was.
He hadn�t been able to keep that promise. He wished he had. He wished he had just moved there like he planned, but he wanted to save up his money to be able to afford a place for them to move into. They fought a lot the year they were together when she was in New York and he was in Capeside. Pacey couldn�t control his jealousy. Joey couldn�t reassure him. She tried, but Pacey�s insecurities tore them apart until Joey had ended it.
Pacey remembered the email he got.
Pace-
I don�t know what more I can say to you to make you believe I love you, and only you. I�m tired of fighting. I�m tired of being lonely. I�m tired of feeling guilty. I don�t know what else to do at this point Pacey, but this past year should have been the best of my life, and now that it�s almost over I have to admit it�s been the worse. I don�t know what else to do except say goodbye. I�ll always love you Pacey, but I can�t be with you anymore. I�m sorry.
- Joey
Pacey remembered that email word for word. He had read it a million times that night. He didn�t remember crying, or even breathing that night. The next morning he had packed up his stuff, and moved to Boston. He hadn�t heard from Joey since. Though from Jen�s accounts she had graduated with a degree in Art, and was now an art critic for a small art magazine in Los Angeles.
Pacey dropped the stack of photos he was holding back into the box. He replaced the lid, and shoved the box back under the bed. He kept his whole past life under the bed. He tried to forget about it, but yet couldn�t bring himself to erase the memories, or rid himself of the evidence.
Pacey flopped down onto his bed. He landed on a newspaper. It crunched underneath his body, and Pacey pulled it out from under him. He tried not to look, but he couldn�t help it. His eyes fell upon the notice that had sent him on his trip down memory lane.
Dawson Leery to marry Josephine Potter on December 12 in Capeside Massachusetts.
The newspaper had come in an envelope with no return address. It was postmarked from Los Angeles, so Pacey could only guess who had sent the paper. He hated Dawson. He hated everything that Dawson stood for, and represented. It was just like him to gloat about this to Pacey.
Pacey sat up again throwing the paper onto the floor. Dawson had won in the end. Dawson always won in the end, and sending the paper was Dawson�s last laugh.
�Well you can have her,� Pacey shouted to no one in his empty apartment.
After all the years that had passed Pacey was still in love with Joey. It has been ten years since their relationship ended, and in those ten years Pacey had not had a relationship with anyone. His life was pathetic, but Pacey could not look at another woman, and not think she wasn�t Joey. Pacey had been right Joey Potter had wrecked him. Truly and utterly wrecked him and now she had destroyed him.
Pacey walked into the bathroom, and threw open the medicine cabinet. He ran his eyes over the multiple bottles of medication until they landed on his Valium. He picked the bottle up, and shook it. It was almost completely full. Pacey cracked open the lid, and poured most of the bottle into his hand.
He paused and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked like hell. His hair was sort of longish, and unkept. He had about a week�s growth of facial hair, and his eyes were hallow, and encircled by dark rings. This was who he was. This was what his life had become. Pacey abruptly turned away from the mirror not able to look at himself. He couldn�t bare what he had become. The one thing he lived for was now gone, and Pacey couldn�t imagine a future now. All his dreams were gone, and without his dreams he had nothing.
Pacey dumped the handful of Valiums into his mouth. He picked up a cup, and filled it with water. He paused, as his mind was flooded with images and thoughts. So many things rushed through his mind he couldn�t discern one from the other. All he could make out was the pain. So much pain it was unbearable.
Pacey lifted the glass of water to his lips, but paused when the doorbell rang. He waited hoping they would just go away. The person banged three times on the wooden door. Pacey waited. There was silence. He started to lift the glass to his lips again when the person at his door held their finger on the doorbell. The ringing went on and on.
Pacey spit the pills out into his hand. �Jesus Christ,� he shouted.
He tossed the pills onto the edge of the sink, and stormed to the front door. He threw the front door open ready to rip into the intruder. When he saw who it was he froze. He knew his heart stopped, and his body ceased to function. Pacey almost thought he was dead.
�Potter,� he whispered.
Joey stood on the other side of the door chewing her lower lip nervously. �Hey Pacey, is this a bad time?� Pacey didn�t say anything. He just stared at her not believing she was there. �I can go if this is a bad time,� Joey continued backing away.
Pacey snapped out of his trance, and stepped forward. He touched her shoulder lightly not believing she was actually there. �No, don�t go,� Pacey said.
Joey half smiled nervously. �You look good Pace,� Joey said.
Pacey snorted. �It�s been ten years, so please don�t lie to me. I look like shit.�
Joey looked at Pacey concerned. �Okay, but your hair. I like it long.�
�Thanks.�
They stared at each other neither really knowing what to do now. �Did you want to come in,� Pacey finally asked.
�If you don�t mind.�
�Not at all,� Pacey said as he backed away letting her enter his apartment. �Sorry about the mess. I wasn�t expecting company.�
�I should have called, but I was afraid you�d tell me I couldn�t come,� Joey answered as she walked into Pacey�s apartment.
�I�ve never been able to tell you no, Jo,� Pacey replied seriously. Joey lowered her head. �So what�s the occasion?� Pacey asked sitting down on the couch.
�What do you mean?� Joey asked nervously.
�I haven�t so much as received a card, call, or email from you in ten years much less had you appear on my doorstep, so there has to be an occasion.�
Joey took a deep breath. �I�m getting married,� Joey said.
Her words came out in a rush, and she looked up at Pacey as she said them. Pacey didn�t even flinch.
�If that�s they only reason you came you can go now,� Pacey said calmly almost too calmly.
�That�s all you have to say?� Joey asked hurt evident in her voice.
�What do you want me to say?� Pacey asked.
�I don�t know something,� Joey begged.
�Congrats Jo. I hope you and Dawson are very happy together,� Pacey sarcastically replied.
Joey�s eyes widen at Pacey�s words. �You already knew,� she whispered.
�Yeah I already knew, but thanks for delivering the news personally. I�m just sorry I couldn�t give you the reaction you were so obviously craving,� Pacey shot back icily.
�Why would you think that Pacey?�
�What am I supposed to think? Why did you come here Joey?�
�To tell you before you found out from someone else,� Joey explained.
�Too late,� Pacey scoffed.
�I�m sorry Pace.�
�For what? Me finding out from Dawson, or for you marrying Dawson,� Pacey asked.
�Dawson told you?� Joey asked in stunned shock.
�Well I got the announcement in the mail, and he�s the only person I know in Los Angeles besides you,� Pacey explained. �It�s just like Dawson to want to proclaim his victory, and rub salt in my wounds.�
�I didn�t know he did that.�
�Well I guess some things never change,� Pacey muttered.
�What do you mean,� Joey asked in confusion.
�Come on Jo, it�s been a while, but I know you can�t honestly believe Dawson is over what happened.�
�It�s been over ten years Pacey. Not even Dawson can hold onto a feeling that long.�
�When you feel that passionately about something it never heals. It never goes away.�
�Are we talking about Dawson?� Joey asked.
�I wish we weren�t,� Pacey sighed placing his head in his hands.
Pacey wished she would just go away, and yet he didn�t want her to. Seeing her when he opened the door had been a miracle and a curse. It made him remember every last thing he loved about her, and every last thing that had gone wrong.
Joey being in his apartment after all those years was like a dream. In fact he had had this dream every day for the past ten years, but the conversation never went like this. They never talked about Dawson in his dreams. Pacey thought about the pills sitting on his sink. They seemed even more welcoming now. He wasn�t sure if it was a good, or bad thing that he saw her one more time.
�Pacey,� Joey said softly breaking into his thoughts.
Pacey lifted his head slowly to look at her. He wasn�t sure if he was imagining things, but she appeared to have tears in the corners of her eyes.
�Yeah,� Pacey asked. His voice sounded defeated, old, and worn out.
�I�ve missed you,� Joey said.
�You left me,� Pacey remarked.
�You ran away,� Joey responded.
�You could have found me.�
�I didn�t think you wanted to be found.�
�I wanted to be found every day.�
�I wish I could change the past,� Joey admitted.
�What�s done is done,� Pacey simply stated.
�I regretted that email the instant I pushed send. I wanted to take it back, but I was afraid,� Joey explained.
�Afraid of what?� Pacey asked confused.
�Afraid that I had given you what you wanted.�
�What I wanted? How could you ever doubt that I loved you,� Pacey shouted.
�I don�t know. The way things were I just thought you�d be happier with out me. You were always so depressed, and sad,� Joey cried.
�That makes no sense Jo,� Pacey said calmly. �I was depressed, because I wasn�t with you. How could leaving me make me happy?�
�I don�t know. It made sense at the time, and then you left, and I knew you�d never forgive me.�
�I forgive you Jo.�
Joey genuinely smiled for the first time in a long time. �Really?�
�Yes, I do.� Pacey stood up. �You should go now.� Joey�s smile faded. She looked at Pacey not understanding, and pleading silently for an explanation. �I forgive you Jo, so now you can marry Dawson without any guilt.�
�You�ll never forgive me for that,� Joey said quietly.
�How can I?�
Joey nodded, and turned around. She took a few steps towards the door, but stopped. �Pacey you know that with one word you could change my mind,� Joey said still facing the door.
Pacey took a moment to digest what she just said. What she was implying, and what she was asking him to do. �I can�t do that,� Pacey said so quietly she could barely hear him.
�I understand.�
Joey rested her hand on the doorknob. She waited hoping he would change his mind, and say something. She stole a glance over her shoulder and saw his back. He was tense, and she could tell he was just waiting. Waiting for her to leave, and she did just that.
The click of the door behind him sent Pacey crashing down to his knees. His body shook violently as his tears poured down his face, and his sobs echoed through the apartment. He didn�t know what he had just done, or why he had done it. Joey had asked him to tell her not to marry Dawson, and he couldn�t do it.
Pacey didn�t know why he couldn�t. He wanted nothing more than for Joey not to marry Dawson, but he couldn�t tell her that. If he told her that she would know without a doubt that he was still hopelessly in love with her, and then she would have that power over him.
Pacey laid his head on the couch. He couldn�t even muster the energy to move. He just stared at the wall as he thought about the pills sitting on the bathroom sink. Joey had saved him whether she knew it or not, and that thought made him sick.
Pacey tried to stand up, but before he could he threw up on the carpet. Pacey coughed as he tried to recover from empting the contents of his stomach. He hated this. He hated himself. He hated Dawson Leery, and he hated Joey Potter. Pacey held onto the couch as he stood up on shaky legs.
He slowly made his way to the bathroom. He had failed at everything in his life school, work, relationships, everything. He was a failure, but he wasn�t going to fail at this. Pacey pushed open the bathroom door, and walked to the sink. He scooped up the pills resting on the sink and tossed them into his mouth. He picked up the glass of water, and threw his head back as he washed the pills down his throat.
It hurt to swallow that many pills at once, but Pacey forced them down. He set the glass down, and dropped to the floor. He sat there and waited, and waited, and waited.
~The End