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Author: Cariann |
They started right after I arrived in Italy. At first I just deleted them, but they kept coming, and finally curiosity got the best of me, and I opened one. I expected to find your usual overly sarcastic and biting commentary, but after reading the first line I knew there was no going back.
And here I am six months later boarding a plane to return home. I'm actually really scared. My hands are shaking as I write this. To say things have changed is stating the rather obvious. I left Capeside to see if I could be on my own, and while I have learned to do just that I have also found myself needing you, needing to hear from you, to hear your voice, and longing to see you again.
The last time I saw you we barely knew each other, and what I knew of you I didn't like. Now I know you almost as well as I know myself, but at the same time I wonder if I really do. I'm not that na�ve that I don't understand that emails and phone calls do not make a relationship, but at the same time all I've dreamed about is seeing you, and touching you, and kissing you. I shouldn't have these expectations, because it was never about that. You needed a friend, and so did I. That's the most important thing to me right now, but I can't help but hope that some part of you is feeling like I am, even just a little part of you. I was always too scared to bring it up, too insecure to believe you would think of me that way, but now that I'm going to see you, actually see you, I don't know if I'm going to be able to hide what I'm feeling.
Maybe this is a bad idea. When I told you I was coming home, and you asked me if I wanted to act like the past six months didn't happened, I got this nagging fear that's what you wanted. You said you didn't, but you asked when you should have known what my answer was. Maybe you're insecure too, and scared. I want to believe that, but I'm scared of getting hurt too. I've built you up so high in my mind, and I know that's dangerous, so I have to doubt you. I have to keep you cast as the bad guy though I now know that's a role you play to protect yourself from pain just like I smile when it hurts. I always keep smiling.
I haven't told anyone, and I know you haven't either. God what are they going to say? They're going to think I've gone crazy again. Have I? I don't know how to even begin to tell them. Maybe we shouldn't. It's not like we're dating. We're friends. I guess if we're just friends there's no reason not to tell them, is there? They'll never see you like I do. I wish they would. Sometimes I wonder why you don't let them see you, and then I remember, and I understand, and I am so thankful that you let me see you.
They just called my flight, and with that my stay in Italy comes to an end. I'm sad to be leaving. I really loved it here, but at the same time I'm aching to go home to see my dad, and Jack, all my friends, and you. I never once wrote your name in this journal. At first it was because I didn't believe it, and everything that was happening just seemed wrong. I was terrified someone would read this journal and find out. It just became habit after that, and in a way it seemed more like I was talking to you if I didn't use your name. Not that I would ever say half the stuff I say in here to your face. I'd die of embarrassment if you ever read the dream I had about you. The dream I had about Drue. There I wrote your name. Drue Valentine. See I wrote it again. Wow now I really know why I never wrote your name. That just made it all too real. But then again who would ever believe that Andie McPhee would fall in love with Drue Valentine?
Part 1
I swear if one more person asks me if I�m okay, I�m going to jump on the next plane to Capeside and start strangling people. I mean I know they mean well, and are just concerned, but at the same time I�m sort of getting this feeling that people don�t think I can do this. That I�m not strong enough, which I know isn�t what it�s about, but it just reminds me of when I was sick. I feel bad just writing this because I know they believe in me. I really do, but I guess I sometimes find it hard to believe in myself and having people ask me if I�m okay makes me think that maybe I�m not okay. Does this make any sense at all?
Luckily, I have Pacey who never asks me if I�m okay. He just seems to think I�m going to conquer Italy. Just thinking about Pacey makes me smile. A year ago I never would have imagined we�d be friends again, but we are. I�ve never met anyone who was so loyal, and so selfless, and dedicated to the ones he loves. It sounds strange considering everything that happened last spring, but Pacey follows his heart wherever it takes him, and I wish I had that courage. I admire him so much and his e-mails are amazing. He�s such a goof, but he knows how to make me smile, boost my mood, and give me answers without giving them to me. He�s my best friend, and while I�m still just a tad bitter about it, I really wouldn�t change it in for the girlfriend role right now. I love the freedom I have now, and this chance to be selfish, and live just for me. This time is about me, something I haven�t had in years.
And I do have this strange sense of empowerment right now. Like I really could conquer Italy. Maybe it�s the residual effects of the ecstasy, but I really do feel like I can do anything I want on my own. Sure Aunt Georgia is here, so I�m not technically living on my own, but it�s the feeling I have that I can reinvent myself. Here I don�t have to be Andie McPhee the perky, straight-A student with a history of mental problems. I could be Andie McPhee angry chick, or Andie McPhee carefree girl, or Andie McPhee party girl. I could be anything, and yet at the same time I don�t want to reinvent myself, I want to find myself as clich� as that sounds. I mean all my life it was Harvard�Harvard�Harvard, and well I have Harvard, and now I feel empty. I have nothing else. Was Harvard all I was about?
I know it�s not, but it feels that way. Any activities I ever did were for my application, and the hobbies I had were for my application too. The only thing in my life that wasn�t for my application was Pacey, but even then I was so focused on school that I had to push him to focus on school, and want my dreams, and my ambitions, because I was going to Harvard, and he had to go too. Man, I am such a control freak.
But I feel the tension slipping away everyday. All the stress I put on myself is vanishing. I don�t feel the need to be in control. Before I left I made this huge list of things to do in Italy, and I�ve been here a week and haven�t done any of them. I�ve just been taking it all in. Enjoying the beauty of it all. It�s an amazing feeling living for the moment. I don�t know what I�m going to do tonight and certainly not what I�m going to do tomorrow, and instead of being frustrated, and anxious like I normally would be, I�m excited. The possibilities are endless.
I�m supposed to go to Rome for a few days, and Venice, and Milan, and if I want Aunt Georgia has a friend in Paris I can stay with. Paris France. Wow. This is truly a dream come true.
~~~
Andie slowly closed her journal. She was lying on the bed in her room at her Aunt Georgia�s. Aunt Georgia lived alone above a little bookshop she owned. The apartment wasn�t very big, but it was comfortable, and welcoming. Andie loved her room. The wooden furniture was carved with elaborate mythological stories, and Andie loved to run her hands over the grooves as she recalled the stories in her mind. There was a Modigliani print above her bed. The red hair of the woman in the print matched the color of the bedspread. The window, which was opposite the door, had a view of the street below. It wasn�t much of a view, but Andie loved to open the window and sit on the sill watching, and listening to the people down below.
Andie tucked her journal back into the top drawer of her nightstand before walking over to her desk. She sat down in the chair and turned her computer on. She wanted to check her e-mail before dinner. Andie was surprised at how much e-mail she was receiving since she got to Italy. She had never gotten this much e-mail when she was home, but she guessed it was because she saw her friends, and family every day before and now email was the easiest way to stay in touch.
Andie logged into her e-mail, and scrolled down the list of messages. She had e-mails from Pacey, Jen, Dawson, three from Jack, one from her father, and one from Drue. Andie stopped when she saw the e-mail from Drue. She stared at the screen quizzically wondering what he could be emailing her about. She hadn�t talked to him since the night of the rave, and she didn�t want to. She wasn�t sure exactly what she had done with Drue that night, and even though her friends had assured her she had done nothing to be ashamed of, Andie was still embarrassed about the whole incident.
The mouse hovered over Drue�s e-mail as she debated whether to open it or not. She could only imagine what Drue would have to say to her after the way she had behaved. He would have something nasty and callous to say she was sure. She highlighted his e-mail and hit the delete key. She didn�t need to read anything he had to say. She just wanted to forget what had happened and move on. She didn�t need to be reminded about how close she came to not being here and she wasn�t referring to Italy.
Part 2
I'm homesick. I knew it would happen, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it would hit me. I'm surrounded by all this beauty, all these new experiences and yet all I can think about is what is happening in Capeside, what my friends are doing. I know it's absurd to think my leaving would make things in Capeside come to a screeching halt, but is it so wrong to hope that things would change just a little, or that my leaving would have some effect on the status quo in Capeside? I guess it just made me realize that people come into your life and leave this lasting imprint on you, but when they leave you move forward. I wasn't sure I could move forward with my life without Jack, and everyone, but I am, and so are they. Life just keeps moving and evolving.
I guess it's harder for me because if Jack misses me he can turn to Jen. If Pacey misses me he has Joey, but when I miss them I have no one to turn to. I haven't really met anyone in Italy yet. Not that I came here to find someone. No that's not it at all. I came her to find myself. But I am lonely. Aunt G is awesome, but it's not the same as having a real friend. Someone to share secrets with, and laugh with. Someone who understands you. I guess I am just looking for a connection.
~~~
Andie closed her journal. She found herself writing in her journal more and more in Italy. Back in Capeside she never had a journal. Introspection was not something she did. She was often too scared to open up even to herself, but when Jack had given her a journal as a going away present Andie had decided to record everything about her experience.
Her first entry had been a blow-by-blow account of her plane trip over. She recorded everything that happened, but not what she was feeling. Her first night in Italy she had sat on her windowsill staring out at the night. The Italian sky seemed different from the Capeside sky everything seemed different, and Andie started feeling different as she sat there. She had pulled out the journal and had tried to capture all her thoughts on paper.
Since that night her thoughts flowed out of her freely into her journal. She was sometimes surprised at what she wrote, sometimes scared, but she wrote it anyways because it was what she felt what she thought. Andie felt as if she was finally beginning to understand herself, and that was what Italy was supposed to be about right?
Andie climbed off her bed and walked over to her computer. Writing about missing her friends made her miss them more. She sat down in front of her computer, and logged into her e-mail. She was hoping she would have some e-mail from Capeside. The first week the e-mails had been nonstop. Now three weeks into her trip and it was beginning to slow down. Everyone was adjusting to life without her.
Andie's face fell when she saw she had no messages from her friends. She knew they were busy with school, jobs, and college applications, but it still depressed her. She moved to log out of her e-mail, but stopped when a message box flashed across her screen telling her she had one new message. Andie smiled and clicked on the new message.
I don't know why I bother writing you still since all you do is delete my messages, which truly hurts by the way. I guess I'm just lonely. God how pathetic am I? I should be thankful you aren't reading this. I don't know why I care what those freaks you call friends think about me. It's not like I want to be their friends. It's just for one day I thought. I don't know what I thought, but I thought things were going to be different. I thought they were going to give me a chance. Man was I ever wrong. I guess they have to cast someone as the bad guy. Lucky for me that guy gets to be me. I play the role well I guess. I've been playing it my whole life. It's easier. It's safer. I can't say I don't enjoy it most of the times, but there are those times when I just want someone to look at me and think hey that Drue he's all right. I'd accept just someone asking me how I was doing that day. I can't remember the last time someone asked me that. No one ever cares how the villain is feeling.
Take it easy McPhee. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Drue
Andie stared at her computer screen as a mix of emotions swirled inside of her. She was shocked, confused, and sympathetic. She reread the message again not really believing it. When she got to the end for a second time she clicked on the reply button. She started typing, but stopped. She bit her lip nervously before hitting the back button. She started typing again. When she finished she reread her message.
Drue
How are you doing?
Andie
The mouse hovered over the delete key as Andie debated whether or not to send her message. She moved the mouse slightly up the screen before clicking. A message flashed on the screen "Your message has been sent"