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Author: Cariann |
She stood in front of the window, completely nude, staring down at the street below. A cigarette was trapped between her fingers, and she slowly brought it to her lips inhaling deeply before dropping her hand back to her side. She watched as the people scurried by down below oblivious to her concentrated stare. If they only took a moment to look up they would see her, but no one did. People were too consumed with their own lives, with where they were going, to pay attention to a naked woman standing in front of a window above a busy London street.
The cigarette found its way to her lips again, and the smoke filled her lungs. She barely noticed. She smoked out of habit, out of nervousness. The act was unconscious. Sometimes she would look down at her hands and be surprised to find a cigarette there, or she would look at an ashtray and wonder how it got filled with butts in less than an hour. It wasn�t a surprise that she did this.
She lived life in a perpetual daze brought on by years of growing more and more disillusioned and miserable. Somewhere along the line she had lost control of her life. She had been sucked into this life, enticed by the glamour, excitement, freedom, and the money, all things that were unfamiliar to her for the first 18 years of her life. She went along for the ride, and soon got swept up in it. Before she knew it what she wanted didn�t seem to matter anymore. She was in deep, and so many people counted on her that the pressure was unbearable at times. She wanted to walk away, but if she walked away now what would she do?
For nearly a decade this is what she had done. It was the only life she knew anymore. The life she had lived before seemed like a fairy tale she had read in a book or seen on TV. This was what was real, and she didn�t know if she had the strength to abandon it for the unknown. It seemed easier, more secure, to just keep things how they were no matter how miserable they made her. The alternative could turn out to be worse.
The cigarette burned to the filter as she stood transfixed in front of the window. She had been to London dozens of times, the memories were both sweet and torturous; partying and dining with royalty, being married, only then to see her marriage vanish here as well. She had been praised, mobbed, and loved all over the city. She had spent drunken nights here either puking in the streets, or chain smoking alone in her hotel room. The past ten years had been one hell of a ride, but this was not what she had wanted for her life.
She had wanted to be an artist. She had wanted to be a mother�and a wife. She had wanted to be loved. So many people loved her now she felt like she couldn�t breathe sometimes, but none of them really loved her. They loved her for what she did, who they thought she was, or what she gave them. They didn�t love her. They didn�t love the real her that hated to be stared at, or photographed, the real her that longed for the quiet, comfort, and peace of sitting out at the end of a dock, the real her that was awkward, insecure, self loathing, and uncomfortable with her body. They didn�t know that person. They only knew the girl they saw on the cover of magazines, or on TV. That girl wasn�t her. That girl was a part she played. She hated that girl as much as she hated the girl playing the part.
She smashed the burnt out cigarette into a nearby ashtray before lighting another. She pulled the heavy curtain closed over the window shutting out the light, shutting out the world. The hotel room fell into darkness. She hadn�t bothered turning on the lights this morning. She walked into the bedroom glancing at the neatly made bed. She hadn�t slept last night. She had spent most of the night in front of the window thinking. Her thoughts had consumed her for hours. It took that long to remember everything she had buried deep inside of her with the hope of forgetting, but she had forced herself to remember. She had to remember, and when she had drudged up all those memories she had tried to forget, she couldn�t make them go away. She was at a crossroads.
She grabbed her robe from the chair, and slid it over her naked body. She had to get ready. She had company coming.
Spring 2001
Pacey shifted in the folding chair trying to get comfortable, which he was finding to be nearly impossible. He played with his gown trying to adjust it so it wasn�t sticking to his legs. He had no idea how girls wore dresses. It was the most annoying thing in the world to be in this gown, but he wouldn't trade it in for anything. He had worked his ass off for the whole year, and now here he was at Capeside High's graduation graduating with the class of 2001. Sure he still had two classes to take in summer school to make it official, but he didn't care at this point. He would be handed a fake diploma, but it didn't matter, because he had been allowed to walk with his class, with his friends, and with his girlfriend.
Pacey looked over at the seat next to him, and he smiled at Joey. She felt him looking at her, and she turned her head to smile at him. She reached over and grasped his hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. Three years at Capeside High and it all came down to this. They were graduating all of them together. Andie had even come back from Italy to join them in the ceremony, and it was like how it should be.
Joey looked down the line of chairs. On the other side of Pacey sat Jen, and on her other side was Jack. Joey turned her head the other way, and smiled at Dawson. After everything, they were all here for their final hooray in Capeside. Joey's smile slightly faded as she realized that after this they were scattering all over the country. She tried to push it away, but it was the only black cloud on an otherwise glorious day.
Dawson was going to NYU to study film. He may have lost his way for a while, but he inevitably returned to his true passion, and was going to one of the most prestigious film schools in the country, if not the most prestigious. Jack and Jen were both going Boston University. They were the only ones staying together unless you counted that Andie would be in Cambridge at Harvard. Joey's eyes traveled to the stage where Andie was sitting next to their Principle Peskin. With all that had happened, and even with her leaving for most of the year, she was still valedictorian.
Joey's gaze drifted to Pacey again. As happy as this day was on so many levels, it was sad on just as many too, and as sad as it was that she would be leaving all her friends to go to school in Los Angeles, the saddest thing was she would be leaving Pacey behind. For all the times they promised to stay together, and go with the other, it wasn't going to be that way. It wasn't that they didn't want it to be that way. It just couldn't be that way.
The decision had been hard, but it was the only one they could make. Joey had an opportunity she couldn't pass up, and Pacey had to establish his own future. Not that she wasn't his future, but following her to LA would be a disaster for him. It wasn't what he needed. It wouldn't do anything for him except keep them together and that just wasn't fair to either of them. It wasn't the end of their love or their relationship. She knew it wouldn't be. It was just the way things had to be for now.
Joey snapped out of her thoughts as she heard Andie's name announced. She clapped as her friend made her way to the microphone. Joey already knew her speech. She had heard it many many times before as Andie had practiced and perfected the speech. Joey had been happy and honored to help, and now she was hearing the speech for real.
Andie nervously cleared her throat before launching into her speech. The crowd laughed when they were supposed to, clapped at the appropriate times, and by the end Joey was near tears. It was starting to be too real. This really was the end.
After Andie's speech the senior class rose to its feet to accept their diplomas. Joey followed Pacey as they made their way to the stage. Jack, in the lead, took Jen's hand who in turn grabbed Pacey's. Pacey reached back, and Joey rested her hand in his before extending her other hand back, and finding Dawson's. They made their way to the stage linked together as friends. They had made the journey together, survived all the heartache, and tragedies, and celebrated all the triumphants to end up at this moment.
Joey watched as Jack, and then Jen walked across the stage, and got their diplomas.
�Pacey Witter.�
Pacey let go of Joey's hand, and made his way across the stage. Joey watched him with pride as he accepted his diploma with his left hand, and shook Principal Peskin�s hand with his right.
�Josephine Potter.�
Joey felt Dawson squeeze her hand, and Joey turned to smile at him. She held his hand for a moment longer before letting go. Joey straightened her back, and walked up onto the stage. She turned her head to see Bessie on her feet snapping pictures, and Bodie beside her holding Alexander as they both clapped, and cheered for her. She smiled at them before turning her attention to Principal Peskin. She took her diploma, shook his hand, and hurried off stage. She threw herself into Pacey�s waiting arms.
�We did it," he whispered.
�Yeah we did,� Joey replied quietly.
Pacey pulled her into a kiss, and Joey fought back her tears. She was so incredibly happy and so incredibly scared.
~~~ The whole group was assembled in the McPhee's living room. They had chosen to forgo all the class parties in favor of hanging out together. They had had dinner at Leary's Fresh Fish with their families, and had then come back to the McPhee's house for the rest of the night. They had been sitting there for hours just talking, and laughing.
�No no no, the most embarrassing thing was definitely Pacey admitting why he was in detention," Joey laughed. She was sitting on Pacey�s lap his arms around her waist.
�Oh my God yes,� Jen exclaimed.
�I'm lost,� Jack said in confusion as he looked from Jen to Pacey and Joey.
�Me too. What are you talking about,� Andie asked.
�Sophomore year we all got detention,� Dawson started.
�Dawson had clobbered Pacey in the nose with a basketball, and Jen had said bitch in class,� Joey continued.
�I was unfairly treated,� Jen argued.
�Right, and of course Joey here had socked Grant Bodine,� Dawson picked up the story.
�And Pacey,� Joey started.
�And Pacey had done something you all promised to never tell,� Pacey interrupted.
�Pacey, Jack and Andie are dear friends of yours. There's no harm in them knowing,� Joey said sweetly.
�I have stories I could tell about you,� Pacey threatened.
�Go ahead nothing I've done can be as embarrassing as getting caught walking your dog in the boys room,� Joey answered back. Pacey turned a bright red as everyone burst out laughing. �Oops,� Joey said sweetly.
�That was so wrong Potter,� Pacey said shaking his head.
�Oh my God I can't believe I never heard about that before,� Andie laughed.
�If it makes you feel better I still love you Pace,� Joey said sweetly kissing him on the tip of the nose.
�It really doesn't,� Pacey mumbled.
�Come on Pace, it's not that bad. At least you didn't put on a pseudo porn show for the whole student body to see,� Dawson interjected.
�It wasn't pseudo porn Dawson except for the fact that the girl was a dirty skanky ho,� Joey shot back.
�Rowrrr,� Jen giggled from the couch.
�Look who's talking the girl who's ex-boyfriend climbed the rafters to proclaim his love among other idiotic things,� Jack pointed out as he poked Jen in the side.
�Touche,� Joey giggled.
�Well at least I haven't dated every guy in the room,� Jen tossed back to Joey.
�Neither have I,� Andie added.
�I would hope not this ain't Kentucky,� Pacey threw in.
The group erupted into uncontrollable laughter.
�I don't know what I'm going to do without you guys,� Andie said through tears of laughter.
The laughter stopped as her words hit them hard. The room fell quickly into silence as the realization that they would be parting ways soon washed over them.
�Someone want to help me remove my foot from my mouth,� Andie said quietly.
After another silent pause Jen started giggling, and soon everyone joined her.
�As bittersweet as this all is, I'm so proud of us. We've survived high school, and are now embarking on this thing they call the best years of our lives,� Jen said.
�I don't believe that,� Pacey said seriously.
�What do you mean,� Joey asked.
�I mean that I'm not looking at the future as being the best years of my life because the past few have been pretty damn nice. Even with everything that happened, and you know what I mean, these past few years have been amazing. I have great friends, and for the rest of my life I don't think I'll ever have any friends better than the ones I have now,� Pacey explained.
�Yeah,� Andie agreed. �A lot of stuff has happened that could have torn us apart and made this night impossible, but we didn't let it.�
Jen grabbed her glass off the table, and raised it in the air. �Let's have a toast.�
Everyone scrambled to grab his or her glasses.
�What are we toasting?� Jack asked.
�We are toasting us. The best friends anyone could have,� Jen said.
�To us,� everyone chimed in.
~~~
Pacey was sitting at the end of Andie's bed taking off his shoes. Joey watched him not moving.
�This is kind of weird don't you think?� she asked.
�What do you mean?� Pacey asked as he paused in removing his shoe.
�I mean sleeping in Andie's bed. You and me sleeping in your ex-girlfriend's bed,� Joey explained.
�Yeah it is sort of strange, but hey it's not like we are going to have sex or anything,� Pacey said with a shrug before removing his other shoe.
Joey rolled her eyes before sitting next to Pacey on the end of the bed. Pacey kneeled on the floor, and started untying her shoe.
�This night has been so weird as it is. I mean I can't ever remember crying and laughing so much as I did tonight,� Joey said.
Pacey removed her shoe before moving to untie the other one. �I know. It's this really happy time, and yet this really sad time. It's so weird because we can laugh at these things that at the time seemed so detrimental and cataclysmic,� Pacey added.
He removed the other shoe, and looked up at Joey. �Like the triangle?� Joey asked.
Nodding, Pacey agreed, �Like the triangle.�
�It's like we're all starting over with no baggage, no hang ups, no bad blood. I guess there's no point in holding a grudge when we won't even be seeing each other any more.�
Pacey climbed back up onto the bed, and put his arm around her. �Everything's going to be okay Jo. We'll survive this separation. We're too strong not to.�
�I know," Joey said with a sigh, �but I�m scared Pace. I�m scared of leaving you. I'm scared of missing you, and not being able to live without you.�
Tears appeared in the corner of her eyes, and Pacey rested his hands on the sides of her face. �You are going to leave me for LA, you better miss me, and Jo you don't have to live without me, I'll always be there with you in your heart.�
�I love you so much Pace.�
�I love you too Jo, and we have the whole summer together. Let�s just concentrate on that okay?�
Joey nodded as their lips find each other.
Summer 2001
Joey sat in the airport chair playing with the hem of her shirt. She looked out the window at all the planes, and a sensation of both excitement, and fear coursed through her. Excitement about going to LA, going to college, and flying for the first time, but those same things were what she feared. Well that and leaving Pacey.
Joey looked up as Pacey walked towards her carrying two cups of coffee. He offered one to her, which she took, before sitting next to her. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes were red, and had dark circles under them.
"Next time Potter, book a flight that leaves when the sun�s up," he said through a yawn.
Joey gave him a little smile before taking a sip of her coffee. Her plane to Los Angeles was leaving at 5:30 am. She watched Pacey as he leaned back in the seat with his head resting on the back of the chair, and his eyes closed. They had driven to Boston yesterday, and had stayed at a hotel last night. Joey blushed slightly as she remembered the previous night. They had spent the entire night in bed desperately trying to memorize each other, and to compensate for all the time they would be apart. They had also talked, and cried a great deal. Though they hadn't slept that wasn't why Joey was so tired. She was emotionally exhausted.
�Flight 628 to Los Angeles is now boarding at Gate 14,� the PA announced.
Pacey's eyes flew open, and he was seized by a panic. This was it. That was Joey's flight. She was really leaving him. Tears started spilling out of Joey's eyes as she turned to Pacey.
�I still have some time Pace,� she said.
�Not enough, not nearly enough,� he choked out.
They came together frantically. Pacey held Joey to him so tightly she couldn't breathe, but she didn't say anything as she was trying to get as close to Pacey as possible. Pacey kissed her mouth, her cheeks, her eyes, her nose, her jaw, and her neck. He tried to cover every inch of her before she disappeared from him.
�Flight 628 to Los Angeles is now boarding at Gate 14,� the PA repeated.
�Oh God Pacey,� Joey cried. �I can't do this. I can't go without you.�
Pacey took a deep breath, and forced himself to control his emotions. He pulled away from her, and held her face in his hands.
�Yes you can Jo, and you have to go,� he said. Tears poured down her face uncontrollably. Pacey brushed them away gently with his thumbs. �You can do this Jo. We can do this. It's going to be hard, but I love you so much that not even a whole continent between us is going to change that.�
Joey took a deep breath as she tried to control her tears. �You okay?� Pacey asked. Joey nodded. �Okay, let's get you on that plane,� Pacey said.
Pacey stood up, and offered his hand to Joey. She took it, and slowly rose to her feet. Pacey entwined his fingers through hers tightly, and led her to the boarding area. Joey stopped.
�I don't have to go just yet,� she said.
�Yeah you do, because if you stay here any longer Jo,� Pacey's voice broke as the tears he tried to control came pouring out, �if you stay any longer I won't be able to let you go.�
Joey's tears started falling again. She kissed Pacey desperately, hungrily. Pacey clung to her knowing it was the last time for a long time. He savored every moment of the kiss, and memorized every second of it filing away the way she smelled, the way she felt, everything. Finally he had to pull away. He stroked her cheek with his thumb.
�I love you Potter,� he whispered.
�I love you too,� she whispered.
Pacey kissed her softly on the lips, and then took a step away from her still holding onto her hand. �Take care of yourself Jo.�
�You too Pace, you too.�
Pacey dropped her hand, and turned around. He quickly walked away not being able to take it any longer. He wasn't lying when he said if she didn't go now he would never be able to let her go. He was a breath away from begging her to stay, and he couldn't do that.
Joey watched as his back got further and further away. She choked on a sob as he disappeared from her sight. She slowly turned around, and made her way to the ticket lady. She silently handed over her ticket. The lady smiled, and said something that Joey didn't hear. Joey took her ticket back, and made her way onto the plane.
She showed her ticket to someone else, and numbly made her way down the aisle of the plane the direction to her seat hazy in the back of her mind. She collapsed in what she hoped was her seat, and wrapped her arms around herself protectively.
�Are you okay miss?� the man seated next to her asked.
�I'm fine,� Joey said not looking at him.
�Leaving a loved one behind?� he asked.
Joey finally looked at the man. He was about forty, with glasses, and slicked back black hair. He was dressed in a cheap business suit. �I don't feel like talking,� she said a little more rudely than she had wanted.
�Sorry,� he apologized before turning to look out the window.
Joey felt bad for being rude, but she didn't care she was dying on the inside.
Pacey made his way back to the gate 14. He wanted to see her plane leave. No matter how much torture it would be, he still had to see it leave. He had to see her leave. Pacey stood alone by the window facing the runway. He watched her plane as it sat motionless. Thoughts of running on the plane and dragging her off ran through his mind, but he pushed them away. She was leaving. End of story.
The plane started to move, and Pacey watched as it traveled down the runway. The further away it got the more his heart hurt. Pacey was afraid that when the plane took off his heart would explode. The plane continued to taxi down the runway, and Pacey watched transfixed on it not able to look away, not able to tear his eyes away from seeing his love disappear.
The plane lifted off the ground, and soared into the air. Pacey didn't cry. He just watched as his whole world disappeared into the sky. He didn't know how he was going to survive, or even if he would. She was a part of him, a part of him that he needed to breathe, and she was gone along with that part of him.
Pacey stared out the window even after her plane had disappeared from his sight. He was numb with pain. He didn't know what he was going to do now. He really didn't. Eventually he tore his eyes away from the window and made the trek back to his car. He had to go home, he couldn't stay here any longer, though being in Capeside without Joey would probably be ten times worse that being at the place she had left him.
Pacey slid into his car, and sat behind the wheel trying to compose himself so he could drive. He opened the glove box to retrieve some tissue causing a tape to tumble out onto the floor. Pacey picked it up ready to shove it back in the glove box when the label caught his eye. To Pacey Love Joey.
Pacey ripped the tape out of the cover, and jammed it into the tape player. The tape started playing.
�Is this thing on,� Pacey smiled when he heard Joey's voice. �How the hell does it work? Oh damn it's on.� She cleared her throat, and started singing, �All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go. I'm standing here outside the door. I'd hate to wake you up to say goodbye. But the dawn is breaking it's early morn the taxis waiting he's blowing his horn already I'm so lonesome I could die. So kiss me, and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go. Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again oh babe I hate to go.�
Pacey was grinning the whole time she was singing.
�Are you still listening Pace? I hope so. Okay so maybe I stole that from Armageddon, and I have to admit my rendition ranks up there with Ben Affleck's, but I hope it made you smile. So you're probably wondering what on earth is up with this tape, well I wanted to tell you something, but was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell you, so I made this tape. So if you've heard this before well listen to it again,� Joey laughed lightly on the tape, and Pacey's heart just about broke. Hearing her voice was both killing, and delighting him.
�Pacey, remember on the last day of school in English class how we had to write out what we thought we were going to be doing in ten years? I know you remember, but anyways I wanted to tell you what I wrote. I didn't write about my career, or where I would be living, or the type of car I would be driving. I wrote that in ten years I hoped that I would be married with a family. I wrote that in ten years I hoped we were married and had a family. That's what I really want Pace to be with you. I know this may sound odd considering I'm leaving to accomplish all these other goals in life, but my real goal Pacey is to be with you. That's what I want to be successful in, and I'm not going to fail. In a way it's good that we are separating for some time, so that in ten years we won't have any regrets. We won't be thinking about what we could have done, what we could have been. We'll just be happy Pace. Together. I love you.�
The tape turned to silence, and Pacey pushed stop. He hadn't noticed that he had started crying, but his face was damp with tears. He was going to miss her so much, but he wasn't as scared now. He knew things would work out for them.
Fall 2001
Joey tapped her pencil lightly on the table as she perused her notes. Around her the coffee shop was noisy, and crowded, but she tuned it all out as she concentrated on her notes. She had a midterm tomorrow. It was her first college midterm, and she was determined to do well on it, to do extremely well on it.
She had made the transition to life in Los Angeles, and to college, without too much trouble. Of course she still got lost constantly, felt like a fish out of water, and had no friends in the city, but other than that she was doing great. Who was she kidding? She hated it, and to combat her misery she threw herself into her schoolwork.
She missed Pacey terribly. They e-mailed each other constantly, and talked every other day on the phone, but it didn�t ease the pain of missing him. She was counting down the days until Thanksgiving break when she would go home to Pacey. She smiled. It was six days and counting.
Joey took a sip of her mocha, and returned to her notes. All these dates were swimming in her head. She didn�t know how she was going to remember them all. Joey sighed and rubbed her eyes.
�Would it be cool if I sat with you?�
Joey�s head snapped up at the sound of the voice. She looked up at the man standing by her table his hands on the back of one of the empty chairs. He was attractive with blue eyes, and black hair that was short, and spiky. He had tattoos up his arms that disappeared beneath the sleeves of his white t-shirt.
�There�s no empty tables,� he explained. �I won�t bug you.�
Joey�s eyes scanned the coffee shop quickly realizing he was right there weren�t any empty tables. Joey shrugged. �Sure,� she answered.
�Thanks,� the man sat down at the table, and opened his book.
Joey returned to her notes, and repeated the dates in her head trying to commit them to memory. She stopped when she felt the man�s eyes on her. She looked up.
�Sorry. I know I said I wouldn�t bug you, but you look so familiar,� he said.
�I look familiar?� she questioned not believing him.
�Man that sounds like a really bad come-on, but seriously you do look familiar. Do you go to UCLA?�
�Um yeah I do,� Joey answered.
�I�ve probably seen you around campus. Now I promise to shut the hell up, and leave you alone,� he said with a light laugh.
They fell into silence, and Joey tried to study, but she couldn�t. She was tired of studying, and to be honest she rarely talked to anyone besides her roommate.
�Do you go there?� Joey asked.
Daniel looked up from his book, and smiled. �Yeah, second year communications major. You?�
�First year art major,� Joey answered.
�How do you like UCLA?� he asked.
�It�s great. I mean obviously overwhelming, and all that, but I�m adjusting,� Joey explained.
�Good to hear. You�re not from LA are you?�
�Is it that obvious?� she asked. He nodded. �I�m from Massachusetts.�
�I grew up here. Well actually I grew up in Fullerton, but that�s close enough right?�
�I don�t know where Fullerton is,� Joey admitted.
�Orange County, south of here,� Daniel explained.
�Oh okay,� Joey said with a smile.
�I�m Daniel by the way,� Daniel introduced himself.
�Joey.�
�It�s nice to meet you Joey,� Daniel said.
�You too.�
~~~
Joey shifted with nervous excitement in her seat. Her plane was circling over Boston preparing to land. Soon, very soon, Joey would see Pacey, and she was about to self-combust waiting. She checked her seatbelt again. Fastened tightly and probably the only thing keeping her from bouncing out of her seat.
�Excited?� the lady next to her asked.
Joey nodded. They had talked a little on the flight. The lady�s name was Meredith, and she was flying home as well.
�Is your family meeting you at the airport?� Meredith asked.
�My boyfriend is,� Joey responded with a smile.
The plane touched the runway and slowed down to a stop. Joey stared at the seatbelt sign impatiently waiting for it to flash off, so she could get the hell off this plane. She couldn�t wait any longer. She had waited two months to see Pacey, and he was here. She just wanted off this damn plane.
As soon as the seatbelt light dimmed, Joey was on her feet grabbing her bag. She tried to push her way through the crowd of passengers also trying to get off the plane, but found it nearly impossible. She wanted to scream in frustration, and kick people, but instead she took a deep breath and waited.
Pacey checked his watch every few seconds. Waiting for her to come off the plane was even more torture than waiting for this day to come. It wasn�t days anymore it was minutes, possibly even seconds. Excitement built inside of Pacey, and he felt so helpless just standing there waiting and waiting.
The second he saw her get off the plane his heart started beating rapidly. She was still so beautiful, and even more so if that was possible. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and was wearing jeans and a sweater. It was nothing extraordinary, but she was so beautiful Pacey couldn�t think of any words to describe it.
Joey sought Pacey out in the crowd in the airport, and as soon as she saw him she rushed towards him. He caught her in his arms, and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Joey didn�t protest. She didn�t care if he broke every last one of her ribs. He was there, and that was all that mattered.
�Pacey,� she gasped.
Pacey buried his head in her hair inhaling deeply. She smelled the same. He lifted his head, and took her face in his hands. He stared into her eyes feeling the connection they have always had course through him. The emptiness that had consumed him for the past two months evaporated.
Impatient, Joey leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. Pacey entwined his fingers into her hair as he kissed her, tasting her for the first time in too long. His senses were on overload. He wanted to consume her, have all of her. Joey pulled away from Pacey breathing heavily. She rested her hands in his, and smiled up at him.
�Welcome home Potter,� Pacey said his voice thick with emotion.
�It�s good to be home,� she answered.
~~~
Pacey�s car was silent as it made it�s way back to Capeside. Joey had her head resting on the window as she watched the scenery fly by. Pacey watched her out of the corner of his eye. When she had come off the plane she had looked so vibrant, and full of life, but now he could tell she was tired.
�Are you okay?� he asked as he reached across the car to grasp her hand.
�I�m just tired,� she answered squeezing his hand.
�Rough flight?�
Joey nodded. �And I had a midterm this morning that I stayed up all last night studying for.�
�Come here,� Pacey gently ordered putting his arm around her shoulders, and pulling her to him.
Joey scooted across the seat, and laid her head on Pacey�s shoulder. Pacey dropped a kiss onto the top of her head.
�We�ll be home soon,� Pacey promised.
Joey soon drifted off to sleep, and Pacey finished the drive to Capeside with her asleep on his shoulder. When they reached Capeside, Pacey lifted his arm from her shoulder jolting her awake.
�Are we home yet?� she asked sleepily.
�Almost,� he replied kissing the top of her head.
Joey stretched her body out. �How long did I sleep?� she asked.
�Not too long,� Pacey replied as he navigated the streets of the town.
�I feel like I slept forever,� she commented.
�Well when we get you to Bessie�s you can sleep as long as you want,� Pacey assured her.
�Pacey,� Joey started.
�Yeah,� Pacey asked looking over at her.
�I don�t want to go to Bessie�s,� Joey said quietly.
�Where do you want to go?� Pacey asked curiously.
�To your place,� Joey answered.
Pacey couldn�t help the smile that spread across his face. Joey smiled back at him. �I did promise Bessie I would bring you straight there. She�s missed you,� Pacey admitted reluctantly.
�I know, but I want to spend some time alone.� Joey replied as she rested her hand on his thigh. �We�ll just tell her my flight was late.�
Joey�s hand lightly caressed his thigh getting higher and higher. Pacey inhaled sharply as the warmth from her hand seeped through his jeans, and desire coursed through his body. It had been too long since he had been with Joey. Way too long, he thought.
Pacey turned suddenly heading in the opposite direction away from the B&B and towards his apartment. After Joey had left in September, Pacey had moved into his own apartment. He had gotten a job on the docks, and went to school at night. It wasn�t the best life, but it suited him fine, except for the part where he was terribly lonely, and missed Joey so much it was physically painful at times.
Joey continued to rub his thigh as Pacey drove as fast as he thought he could get away with to his apartment. He pulled into his parking spot, and shut off the car. As soon as the engine died, Joey wrapped her hand around his neck, and pulled him into a kiss. Pacey�s arms snaked around her back, and he tried to pull her as close to him as he could considering the awkwardness of their positions in the front seat of his car.
Joey shifted her body allowing Pacey to haul her onto his lap. With her knees on either side of his legs they continued to kiss. Pacey ran his hands up under her sweater needing to feel her skin beneath his hands. Joey sighed as Pacey started to kiss down her neck sucking on the soft skin. Joey started to move her hips slowly against him. Pacey groaned as her actions had their desired effect.
Pacey fumbled for the door handle as he brought his lips back to her mouth. Finally, he got the car door opened, and cold air rushed into the car. Joey pulled away leaning back against the steering wheel pressing harder against Pacey�s crotch. Pacey bit his lower lip as desire and need flooded over him in waves. He wanted her so badly right now he could barely function.
Joey swung her legs out of the car, and stood on the pavement. Pacey slid out after her, and wrapped his arms around her from behind not being able to stand not touching her. He moved her hair from her neck, and kissed the soft skin behind her ear.
�Pacey, let�s go inside,� Joey demanded breathlessly.
Pacey grabbed her hand, and walked quickly to his ground floor apartment. Joey matching his quick strides the whole way. When they reached the door, Joey wrapped her arms around Pacey and ran her hand along the waistband of his jeans. Pacey fumbled as he tried to get the key into the lock. She was driving him crazy.
Joey raised her steady hand, and took hold of the key. Pacey turned to face her as she slid the key into the lock, turned it, and pushed open the door. Pacey�s mouth descended onto hers again as he lifted her up. Her legs wrapped around his waist as he carried her into his apartment.
~~~
Joey rested her head on Pacey�s chest. His heart was still beating rapidly. Pacey�s hand traced a lazy pattern on her bare back, as they laid in silence. This moment was so perfect, Joey thought, so perfect she wanted to cry.
Joey raised her head, and looked down at Pacey.
�Pace,� she started.
�Hmmm,� he mumbled. When she didn�t say anything Pacey opened his eyes. Joey was looking down at him with tears in her eyes. �What�s wrong?� Pacey asked in a panic.
Joey brushed the unshed tears away, and smiled. �Nothing. I�m just so happy right now,� she said.
�So am I,� he echoed as he brought his hand up to caress her cheek.
Tears started to fall down Joey�s cheek, and Pacey frowned. �Jo, why are you crying?� he asked concerned.
�I told you it�s because I�m happy,� she answered.
Pacey turned away from her. He couldn�t watch her cry.
�Pace,� Joey called out softly a slight panic in her voice.
�You�re not happy, Jo,� Pacey said flatly.
�Excuse me?� Joey asked in confusion.
Pacey turned back to look at her. �You�re not happy,� Pacey sadly said.
�Pacey I�m with you of course I�m happy,� Joey argued.
�That�s not what I�m talking about,� Pacey clarified.
�Then what are you talking about?� Joey hesitantly asked.
Pacey sat up leaning back against the headboard. �I�m talking about the fact that you�re miserable. I hear it in your voice every time you call me. I see it in your eyes now. This arrangement we have is making you miserable.�
�Okay Pace, so I�m not exactly having the time of my life right now, but that doesn�t mean I�m not happy now.�
�I don�t doubt you�re happy now Jo.�
�Then why bring it up? Why ruin what little time we have together with this?� Joey asked.
�I don�t want you to be miserable Jo.�
She didn�t understand what he was doing. She knew she was miserable in Los Angeles. She knew he knew it. She knew he was miserable in Capeside. This whole situation sucked, but it was how it was. Fear coursed through Joey. He was trying to end it. He was trying to break up with her.
�No,� she whispered. �No, no, no�� she repeated the word over and over her voice getting louder with each no.
�Jo,� Pacey started and reached out to grasp her hands.
�Don�t do this. Just don�t do it. Please,� she begged as her tears started pouring down her face.
�Do what?� Pacey asked in confusion.
�Don�t end this. Don�t try to be noble, and decide what�s best for me, because if you do that then you don�t know what�s best for me Pacey,� Joey�s voice got frantic as she rushed on. �I need you. I need you more than you can ever know, and if you do this. If you break up with me, I�ll just�� her voice trailed off.
Pacey pulled her to him, and Joey fought against him. �Jo, calm down,� Pacey pleaded.
Joey broke free from his grasp, and stood up. �Calm down? How can I calm down?� Joey shouted.
�You�ve got it all wrong Jo,� Pacey tried to explain.
�Wrong? I�ve got it wrong?� she challenged him.
Pacey stood up slowly from the bed. He reached for his pants. �Yeah Jo, you do. I�m not trying to break up with you.� Pacey slid his pants on, and continued, �That�s the last thing I want.�
�Then explain to me why you brought this up? Why now, why when I finally get to see you do you have to do this?� Joey demanded.
�Because Jo it kills me to see you unhappy,� Pacey said as he walked towards Joey. �It kills me to know you are unhappy. I know I can�t fix it, but I can�t help but want to.�
�Pacey, you have it so easy,� Joey sighed as she collapsed back onto the bed.
�I have it easy,� Pacey asked in disbelief as he sat down next to her.
�Yeah you have it easy. You�re not in this new strange place where you know no one. You don�t sit in your room every night, because you have no where to go, and no friends.�
�Jo, all my friends are gone, and I have to walk the same streets I walked with you every day. I have to see the places we went everyday. Everywhere I look there is a reminder of you, and that is damn hard to take sometimes. This isn�t easy for me either.�
�I know. I�m sorry. I�m just so lonely in Los Angeles,� Joey cried. �And sometimes I forget why we�re doing this to ourselves.�
�Because if we didn�t you�d be even more miserable in the future,� Pacey explained.
Joey smiled. �How can you be so rational?�
�Because I don�t want anything to screw up the best thing I�ve ever had, or ever will have.� Pacey gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. �Are you done crying?� he asked gently. Joey sniffled, and nodded.
�Good because Bessie will freak if you show up at the B&B like this.� Joey laughed lightly. �I�ve missed that laugh so much,� Pacey sighed. He lowered his head, and kissed her gently on the lips.
�Can I take a shower before we leave?� Joey asked.
�Of course.�
Joey stood up, and walked towards the bathroom. When she reached the door she turned around. �I�m not going to screw this up Pacey. I promise. Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.�
Pacey smiled as he watched her disappear into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed his smile faded, and the tears that had been threatening to fall poured down his face.
~~~
Joey lifted her head up, and closed her eyes as the warmth from the sun bathed her. One definite benefit of living in Los Angeles was that even in December there were warm, beautiful days.
�Joey?�
Joey opened her eyes at the sound of her name. A smile spread across her lips as she saw Daniel standing in front of her.
�Hey,� she said.
�I was hoping I would run into you again,� Daniel said as he sat down across from her at the table.
�You were?� Joey asked in surprise.
�I was. Now I�m just hoping you remember me.�
�I do, Daniel,� Joey responded with a smile.
Daniel exhaled loudly. �That cuts down on the awkwardness factor. Whatcha doing?�
Joey looked down at the book in front of her. �Just reading.�
�Is that all you do?� Daniel asked.
�What do you mean?�
�You just always seem to be studying. I�m beginning to wonder if you ever have fun,� Daniel joked.
�You�ve seen me all of two times,� Joey playfully argued.
�Point taken, so what do you do when not studying?� Daniel asked.
�I ummm I just you know do stuff,� Joey stuttered.
�Stuff?� Daniel asked with a raise of his eyebrow.
�Well you know I don�t really know anyone here, or really know the area yet, so I don�t�� her voice trails off.
�Don�t get out much,� Daniel finished.
�Yeah,� Joey admitted.
�That�s a shame. There is tons of fun to be had around here. You just have to know where to go.�
�Which I don�t.�
�Which I can rectify,� Daniel added.
�Really? What are you offering to be my guide into the whirlwind of fun that is Los Angeles?� Joey asked with a sarcastic raise of her eyebrows.
�Not so much a guide, more like a friend,� Daniel explained.
�You want to be my friend?�
�You have heard of friends right?� Daniel joked.
�Yes I do vaguely remember what friends are,� Joey joked back.
�Good. That�s one less thing for me to teach you.�
�Now you�re offering to be my teacher?�
�Believe me my lessons will be a lot more fun than,� Daniel lifted up her book. �A hell of a lot more fun than studying Calculus. Why are you taking Calculus?�
�I have to take math,� Joey explained.
�True, but since you�re an art major.� A look of surprise crossed Joey�s face, and Daniel smirked. �See I remember. So since you are an art major you really don�t need to take Calculus.�
�I like the challenge,� Joey simply stated.
Daniel grinned. �Well I have a challenge for you that�s a lot more fun.�
�Yeah what�s that?� Joey asked with curiosity.
Daniel stood up. �Find your way to the Roxy tonight.�
�What�s at the Roxy?� Joey asked confused.
�Well I�ll be at the Roxy, and since I seem to be your only friend at the moment, it�s an offer you really shouldn�t refuse.�
�Is that like a club or something?� Joey asked.
Daniel shook his head. �You really need to get out more.� Joey glared at him, and Daniel chuckled. �Yes it�s a club.�
�I�m not into the whole club scene.�
�How do you know unless you�ve been?�
�I�ve been to a club thank you very much,� Joey shot back.
�But not to this one.� Daniel reached into his pocket, and pulled out a crumpled up flyer. He handed it to Joey. �I�ll make it easy on you. The address is on the flyer. See you there?�
Joey shrugged. �Maybe.�
Daniel rolled his eyes before walking away. Joey looked down at the flyer, and sighed. She really had nothing better to do tonight, and it might be fun to go out for once. Joey folded the flyer, and stuck it in her Calculus book.
~~~
Joey stood nervously on the curb outside of the Roxy. She had debated all day on whether or not to come tonight. She didn�t know Daniel all that well, and she didn�t really like clubs. Plus she had no way to get there. Sure she could take a cab, or a bus, but she didn�t really want to. On the other hand, she really needed to go out and have fun. She had been in Los Angeles for nearly four months and had not traveled outside of Westwood, except to go to the beach with her roommate Becca. Joey liked her roommate Becca, but Becca was always going out with her sorority sisters, and Joey hadn�t made any other friends.
Joey took a deep breath, and walked towards the entrance. Becca had dropped her off. She had been going to her boyfriend�s house in the Valley, and well it wasn�t on the way, but Becca was just happy Joey was finally going somewhere that she drove her. Joey had no idea how she would get back, but figured she would just take a cab. She needed to get a car one of these days. You needed a car in LA.
Joey fumbled in her pocket for her money as she walked to the ticket window. She had decided to come tonight, because she didn�t want to sit in her dorm room anymore. It was depressing. She should have a little fun, though how much fun this would be was up for debate, but at least she was getting out.
Joey handed her money over, and took her ticket silently. She stood in the doorway as the man searched her purse before walking hesitantly into the Roxy. Joey blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dimness inside the club. The house music reverberated in her ears. It was loud and fast.
Joey pushed her way through the people in lobby, and walked into the main area of the club. This wasn�t what she expected. When she thought of clubs in LA, she thought they were fancy, and stylish. That the club would have a massive dance floor with beautiful people in beautiful clothes everywhere. The Roxy though was well dirty, Joey thought.
Joey hugged her arms around her body as she felt self conscious, and alone. She was really starting to wish she hadn�t come tonight. That she hadn�t decided this was the time to leave the safety of her dorm room.
Joey stood against the railing that separated the area in front of the stage from the tables in the back. Joey felt like she stuck out like a sore thumb, but no one else seemed to notice her. This is a lot of fun Joey thought sarcastically.
�Hey you came.�
Daniel�s familiar voice brought a smile to Joey�s face. �Yeah well I had nothing better to do,� Joey responded with a shrug.
Daniel laughed, and took her by the arm as he led her towards the stage.
�So what band is playing tonight?� Joey asked.
�Deafening Silence,� Daniel answered.
�Deafening Silence? That�s like an�� Joey started, but Daniel cut her off.
�An oxymoron,� he finished.
�Yeah an oxymoron,� Joey agreed.
�It�s kind of clever don�t you think?� Daniel asked.
�I�m sure whoever thought it up thought it was clever,� Joey sarcastically answered with a roll of her eyes.
�Ouch,� Daniel chuckled.
�What?�
�I would be the unclever someone,� Daniel informed her.
�Are you serious?� Joey asked.
�Guilty,� Daniel admitted.
�I feel stupid.�
�And you should,� Daniel teased.
�It�s still a stupid name,� Joey argued.
�Well when you come up with a better one then I�ll listen to you,� Daniel shot back.
~~~
Joey stood on the sidewalk. Her eyes traveled up and down the Sunset Strip taking it all in. It was after midnight, but the street was still crowded with cars, and the sidewalk outside the club was overflowing with people. She checked her watch. She should call a cab while she waited for Daniel.
Daniel had made her promise to wait for him after the show, and here she was waiting. She wasn�t sure why she agreed. Daniel was kind of annoying, and irritating, but at the same time he made her laugh, and she had to face the fact that he was her only friend at the moment, and well he wasn�t so bad.
Joey started walking down the street towards a pay phone. She made a mental note to add a cell phone to her list of things she needed to survive in Los Angeles.
�Joey,� Daniel called out. Joey turned back around to see Daniel jogging towards her. �Running away?� he asked stopping in front of her.
�I was just going to call a cab,� she explained.
�If you wait about ten minutes I�ll give you a ride,� Daniel offered.
�Um you know thanks, but I don�t want to make you go out of your way, and I can just call a cab,� Joey fumbled over her words.
�It�s okay you�re on my way, and I�m giving Amber a ride too so you�ll be safe,� he explained with a wink. Joey laughed nervously. �Come on, you really don�t want to take a cab, and it�s just as dangerous to ride with some freaky cab driver as to ride with me.�
�Okay,� Joey agreed.
�Wait here. I�m going to go get Amber, and we�ll leave.�
Daniel took off, and Joey waited. Twenty minutes later he returned with Amber. She was the singer in his band. She was tall, busty, blonde, and loud. The ride to UCLA was filled with her drunken ranting, and exclamations. Joey sat in the backseat just wanting to get home. After they dropped Amber off, Joey moved to the front seat for the ride to her dorm.
�Sorry about Amber. She�s cool sometimes.� Joey rolled her eyes, �but anyways did you enjoy the show?� Daniel asked ignoring her little reaction.
�Yeah, it was different.�
�Different good, or different freaky?� Daniel inquired curiously.
�A little of both,� Joey admitted.
�Well next time I�ll put you on the guest list.�
�Who says there�s going to be a next time?� Joey teased.
Daniel laughed. �Keep trying to act cool Joey, but I know your secret.�
�My secret?� Joey questioned.
�Yeah your secret.�
�I wasn�t aware I had one, but please do tell. I�m curious to know what my secret is.�
�Well see I have you all figured out. You try to act indifferent, aloof, and detached, but really it�s just a front for your insecurities and self doubt.�
Daniel pulled up in front of Joey�s dorm and turned off the car. Uneasiness, and anger flashed across Joey�s face, but she forced it away, and smiled teasingly at Daniel.
�You don�t know what you�re talking about,� she said lightly.
Daniel turned in his seat to face her. �Maybe I don�t, but time will tell.�
�And what makes you think you�ll have that time?� Joey asked.
Daniel�s voice dropped as he said, �Call it a hunch.�
Joey looked away from him as it finally hit her that flirting with Daniel was not a good thing. She couldn�t do it. She didn�t need friends that badly. She reached for the door handle.
�I have to go,� she mumbled as she opened the door.
�Joey wait,� Daniel called out.
�I had a nice time Daniel. Your band is really good.�
Joey got out of the car, and started walking to her dorm. She heard Daniel�s car door slam, and his footsteps echoing on the pavement.
�Joey.� He caught up with her, and she stopped.
�Look, I�m sorry. Your right I don�t know you,� he apologized.
�It�s not that,� Joey paused. �I have a boyfriend, Daniel. Back home.�
Surprised flashed across Daniel�s face, but it was quickly replaced with a sexy little grin. �He�s a lucky guy.�
�I�m a lucky girl.�
�It doesn�t mean we can�t be friends.�
�Friends?� Joey questioned with apprehension.
�Yeah friends. I think I can resist your overwhelming charms, but I�m not sure you�ll be able to resist mine,� Daniel joked.
�I know I can. Now say goodnight Daniel,� Joey said.
�Goodnight Daniel,� he repeated.
Joey laughed as Daniel turned around, and walked away.