Phalanges Ahoy!
Or
Dapper Dan and the Delicatessen of Destruction

By Jon Hanson

	There are some things you can’t think of without also thinking about something else. You can’t think about Romeo without also thinking about Juliet, you can’t think about Adam without Eve, and you can’t think about oranges without thinking about sponges. While everyone is aware of the deep connection between oranges and sponges, most people have no idea why this connection exists. The answer dates back to the ancient Eskimos of that land that is currently known as New Mexico. You see, according to New Mexican Eskimo legend, back before time began New Mexico was attached to what is now known as Antarctica. They claim it was like this until Antarctica started getting all cold when the vacuum of space was created and so when Antarctica ceased to be the premier Spring break location, New Mexico left in search of chicks, which lead it to where it currently is. This explains why in the legend that Great Bird of knowledge chose to land on New Mexico and lay its eggs of being, which formed all of the features of the universe as they hatched. Now, legend has it that two brothers decided to steal an egg from the bird and then turn it into the worlds biggest and most magical omelette so they could get their names in the Guinness book of World Records. They were sure that if this happened they would get more chicks than they could handle, even though there was no Guinness book of World Records, names, or units of measurement at the time. However these facts did not deter the brothers because they were not only plucky, but also perky. So the brothers concocted a plan, and put it into action. The eldest brother invited the Bird to a kegger at his Frat house, with the promise that the finest hotties from the finest sororities would show up. The bird was reluctant, seeing as he was charged with sitting on all the contents of the universe in order to hatch them, but the eldest brother convinced the bird to let the younger brother baby sit. The bird agreed, and did not return for a week. He would have returned sooner, but at the party he got dejected after being turned down by every girl, even though he had the pick up line that he could lay an egg that would hatch into anything he wanted. So the bird tried to drown his sorrows in beverages of the alcoholic persuasion, but that didn’t work so he decided to drive home, even though he was totally sloshed. The bird was in no condition to drive, and in a horrible twist of fate, ended up crashing his car into the light post in front the Police Station. He had to spend the rest of the week in the jail waiting for his sentence, which ended up being an $100 fine, 100 hours of community, and going to AA for six months. When the bird finally returned home he found the brothers making an omelette. The brothers than realized that making the omelette on the bird’s front lawn was a bad choice. They explained their plan to the bird, and the bird became excited and promised to forgive them if his name could be in the book too. The brothers, being the stupid jerks they were, turned his offer down. The bird got so ticked off he cast a spell on both of them, turning the youngest brother into a sponge, and the eldest into an orange. The bird was so angry he laid a black egg that went on to hatch into the grim reaper. So you see, sponges and oranges are actually brothers, the same blood courses through their veins. Sponges and oranges both also share the same offensive potential, magical powers, and size.

	As previously stated the similarities between oranges and sponges don’t end with their beginnings, they extend to their offensive potential. You are probably not aware of this, but sponges and oranges almost brought about the end of all humanity. Back in World War I poison gases were all the rage in the military world. In Germany a scientist had a bad case of scientist’s block, so he went out for a walk around the block, in hopes that the fresh air would help his creativity. He soon became lost and ended up deep within the deepest darkest region of a rainforest somewhere in Africa. There he happened upon a highly intelligent race of robotic plants who worshiped Oranges and sponges as their gods. When the scientist inquired as to why they worshiped them he found out that the robotic plants had actually uncovered a procedure that would cause the chemicals secreted by oranges and sponges to create a chemical that would either turn living organism into robots or kill everything. The scientist took this knowledge back to Europe and auctioned off the knowledge he acquired. The country of Norway won and with it they created an army of robotic super animals in secret and sowed the seeds of WWII. They planned to wait until all of the other countries were worn out from fighting and then sic the animals on the world and take it over. However, at the plant where all this was taking place something went horribly wrong and the procedure that was supposed to create the robotic super animals actually created a black smog, that killed everything it touched and grew steadily. It threatened to kill all life on earth, but a traveling samurai showed up and sealed the poisonous smog within a crystal and threw it out into space where it would never trouble humanity again. So you see, both sponges and oranges are tied together in that they can both have awesome and horrifying offensive potential.
	Oranges and sponges not only have massive offensive potential, but they both also have incredible magical properties. Oranges possess the magical attribute of strength. The shamans of Easter utilized this to move the giant stone heads that have made the island famous from the quarry to the coast. The holy men of Egypt and South America used the magic of the oranges to endow their slaves with the power to move the stones necessary to build their pyramids. Luckily for the slave masters the slaves weren’t smart enough to use their inhuman power to overthrow their oppressors. Sponges, on the other hand, have the power of destruction. Think Pompeii was destroyed by a volcano? Wrong! It was destroyed by the destructive magic embedded deep within sponges. The same goes for Atlantis, which was buried beneath the waves by the magical powers of sponges. So you see both sponges and oranges have incredible magical powers which have shaped history.
	And the similarities don’t end there my friend, no, no, no. I have saved the eeriest similarity for last. You see, sponges and oranges are about the same size! They weren’t always as small as they are now. At one time oranges were hundreds of meters tall with razor sharp claws and teeth. They roamed the countryside decimating everything that they could lay their claws on. They would have laid waste to the entire world if it wasn’t for that same time traveling samurai warrior. He entered into battle with the tribe of orange monsters and defeated them all. He made sure that they would never threaten the world again by removing their appendages, mouths, and by shrinking them down. Sponges also used to be huge, and they traveled in tribes. However, they were pacifists and lived off of dew. They were constantly being attacked by birds, but because they were so large and had no way of fighting back they were slowly picked apart until they reached the size they are now. At that time they were small enough to hide amongst the rocks that carpeted the land they called home. However they had lost all of their organs and were unable to think or move. So you see, both sponges and oranges started out huge and intelligent, but ended up small and brainless. Creepy, huh?
	So you know see that both oranges and sponges have awesome offensive potential, magical powers, and are about the same size. There are even more similarities between sponges and oranges that I haven’t been able to mention due to time constrain, and they are almost all just as storied and colorful as these. Can you guess what trait both oranges and sponges share that involves chickens that shoot lasers out of their eyes? Or did you know that they are both great alternative energy sources? I just hope that this little essay will light a tiny fire in someone’s heart, a fire of passion that will birth in them a desire to journey out into the wide world and learn more about oranges and sponges.