The Book Of Bob

The Book of Bob is a really funny story I found on the Internet.
Read it, you'll laugh out loud!

I did not write this. I am not insane!

By: Unknown
Originally from http://www.iop.com/~zim/index.html
However... that site vanished off the face off the Earth
The html for this page, with the exception of this message, was taken from http://www.davescoolwebpage.com/bob.htm, but as that ancient and glorious site has apparantly dissapeared, a backups have been made. Somebody else posted another one at: http://www.geocities.com/quinncomputers/bob.html
We must not let the glory of BOB die! Spread copies!

Select a chapter or scroll down:
Introduction
Chapter I - The Cycles of Bob
Chapter II - The Cycles of Darkness
Chapter III - In the Beginning...
Chapter IV - The Great Bobland
Chapter V - The Armageddon
Chapter VI - The Converts
Chapter VII - Prosperity for Bobland
Chapter VIII - The Conspiracy
Chapter IX - The Twelve Commandments
Chapter X - The Flood
Chapter XI - Bob's Revenge
Chapter XII - Bob's Revenge for Bob's Failed Revenge
Chapter XIII - Bob's Revenge for Bob's Revenge for Bob's Failed Revenge
Chapter XIV - The Horrible Disaster Concerning Crashing Lamas and Genetics
Chapter XV - Raisins Falling Through the Sands of Time
Chapter XVI - Bob Begins His Quest
Chapter XVII - Raisins Baking in the Sun
Chapter XVIII - Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Chapter XIX - Another mind to corrupt!
Chapters 20-40 by InSaNeFooL
Chapters 41-55 by Hex

Introduction

In the past, present, and future, there was, is, and will be BOB. Bob is the light that comes from darkness. The hope that comes from despair. The courage that comes from fear. The salsa that comes from Tahiti. Bob is everything that's good, and everything that's bad. Bob is All, All is Bob. Bob is Bob.

Chapter I

The Cycles of Bob

The all knowing-all seeing Bob.
Bob.
Inga.
Sven.
George.
Kinda.
Sorta.
Ish.
Twice.
Frank.

Chapter II

Cycles of Darkness

Ralph.
Congress.
Non-believers.
People over 60 (unless they pay you off)
Infomercials.
Bobby.
Robert.
Roberto.
Macintoshes.
Indian Food.

Chapter III

In the Beginning...

In the beginning, there was Bob. Bob, the all-powerful. First, he created sporks. A spork is a useless eating utensil. It is a blend of a spoon and a fork. The fork part is not big enough to stab anything, and the spoon part cannot hold liquid because of the holes in the fork part.

After going into hiding over his creation gone awry, Bob developed the Solar-Powered Flashlight, Helicopter Ejection Seat, Politicians, and Denny's, the name of Bob was scarred for ages. People by the name of Bob went into hiding over the shame of their master. Bobs were persecuted by Ralph for years. Then, hundreds of fleeing bobs founded Bobland as their refugee camp.

Chapter IV

The Great Bobland

People unholy to Bob are not able to grasp the power of Bobland. Millions upon millions of Bobs lived in a place that totally Bob and is wonderfully Bob.

In the center of Bobland there is an enormous mall where every store is entitled Bob. For instance, the Nudy Bob, The Bob, Bob's Auto Repairs, Bob's Store. This is a place where normal Bobs roam free.

Around the mall lies the downtown district, known simply as Bob. In the center of downtown, there is the world's largest spork manufacturing company, located conviently next to the company is the helicopter-ejection seat test area, which is so large anyone who went in there had never came out. The rebuilt llama farms (see chapter VI) and dead cow farms are not far away.

The first All-Powerful, All-Knowing Bob built an aluminum foil shack just outside the downtown district. It has since been made into a monument, and is the central site of all pilgrimages to Bobland.

Outside the downtown district is a suburban area know as Bob.

Chapter V

The Armageddon

The prosperity of Bobland faded quickly as Ralph and his Army, with support from the Joe mercenaries, launched a surprise invasion of Bob. The initial battles went toward Ralph, and he almost torched the shack. But he could not light the match because he was a putz. Soon the armies of Bob came sprawling down on Ralph, displaying their large sporks in the air.

Ralph started to curse because he couldn't light the shack on fire. As he was cursing a profanity toward the All- Powerful, All-knowing, All-seeing Bob, he mysteriously became a giant Spork. As Ralph's armies saw the fate of their leader, they launched a final, last-ditch attack on the down- town district. However, the Bob soldiers proudly set out their Sporks in a line 2 miles long. As the Ralphs charged, they faced a spork in the stomach.

Joes and Ralphs fell back on one another and retreated. To this day, Ralph and most of his successors remain a giant spork on display at the national Bob museum in the Bob District.

Chapter VI

The Converts

After seeing Bob's might displayed, throngs of people formerly under Joe/Ralph's army and other people not connected with the war (i.e. John, Mike, and Englebert [who by the way were on heavy drugs and thought Bob was stupid]) decided to join the Bob camp. They were initially welcomed, but after a while, were influenced by Ralph's armies to burn down Bobland. These people were named Robert, Roberto, or Bobby. They stayed in Bobland for many years, sharing in the prosperity.

Ralph envied Bobland, and knew that Bob's least loyal people were the converts. So, he sent a messenger to Bobland, stopping at the converts' house, proclaiming Bob to be a dork. The messenger was found out, stabbed with a spork, and sent to the Helicopter Ejection Seat testing lab. However, it was too late. An angry mob assembled in the Bob District and began burning sporks. The Bob militia was called in to deal with the rioters, but could not disperse them. They began burning down buildings.

As soon as the llama farms were burnt down, however, Bob took it personally. The Bob army marched proudly to the remains of the llama farms and helped the llamas fly away. Then, they hunted down the rioters, and stabbed them repeatedly with sporks. This act, known as the Bob massacre, ended the riots. The llama farms were rebuilt, and the bloody remains of most of the rioters are on display at the Bob museum (the rioters who are not on display were in too many pieces and could not all be found).

Chapter VII

Prosperity for Bobland

Bobland enjoyed another period of prosperity. The downtown and suburban areas grew and got nicer. A series of paper-mache fortresses, impenetrable by Ralph, were built along the outskirts. Flying llamas circled the area and kept a vigil against attackers. There were none. Bobland was safe.

The All-Being Bob started his pocket-lint collection at this point, which is partially in display at the Bob museum. The All-Powerful Bob granted dead cows to all Bobs. Bob traders grew, and traded dead cows and pink flying llamas for food and water at other sensible cities such as Englebertland. Bobland grew and grew, and prospered as a trading power. However, even as Bobland was becoming more powerful, a conspiracy was brewing within.

Chapter VIII

The Conspiracy

The Bob, successor to the All-Knowing Omniscient Bob, realized that his boss would never die. So, in order he could wield power over Bobland, he attempted to start a rebellion. It was hard for him to find Bob's or even Ingleberts (Bob's new main ally) unloyal to the Omnipotent Bob, so once again, he turned to Ralph and Joe mercenaries. He paid the two parties, and the few Bobs he could find for the revolution, a lot of money. The insurrection began on the night when the Bobs celebrated the birthday of the Omnidirectional Bob. When the leader of the ceremonies (Bob the 42nd[the Omnipotent, All-seeing Bob had the flu]) was making a speech, The Bob stabbed him with a knife (the spork was too holy for him). The Bob hoped the crowd would be shocked and turn to him for guidance.

Since the crowd of Bobs didn't see who stabbed Bob the 42nd, they turned to the second in command, The Bob for help. He told them the All-Doing Bob had gone insane and to revolt by stabbing the military with knives, which he believed were superior to sporks.

The crowd rushed at one of the paper-mache fortresses, stabbing Bob soldiers, some of whom died. The order was given to the Bob army to present sporks as a division of flying llamas dropped dead cows on the attacking mob.

Many people were squashed by the cows, and the mob made of Ralph and Joe's retained army and a handful of Bobs from the celebration began to scatter. Bob soldiers chased after the mobs, parrying the knives with their spork's spoon part. Several members of the crowd were stabbed, and their knives became useless. They surrendered when a wall of dead cows dropped by the llamas cut off their escape.

Chapter IX

The Twelve Commandments

After witnessing the rebellion, The Great Bob decided to give Bobs everywhere some laws to live by or die horribly and painfully by in a great expanse of bloody crusades for. (See Christianity) These have become known as the Bob Commandments. A brief list follows:

1. A LLAMA IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH

2. THOU SHALT NOT BUY THIS BOOK

3. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST BLUE ALIENS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE PINK

4. THOU SHALL MAKE ONE HOLY PILGRIMAGE TO THE LAND OF BOB

5. THE AUTHORS OF THIS BOOK ARE EXTREMELY EVIL

6. THOU SHALT NOT USE BOB'S NAME IN VAIN

7. THOU SHALT NOT HAVE YOUR BOB AND EAT IT TOO

8. THOU SHALT EAT ALL YOUR MEALS WITH SPORKS

9. THOU SHALT SAY, "THE SIXTH SHEIK'S SIXTH SHEEP IS SICK" 10 TIMES FAST

10. THOU SHALT NOT KNOWINGST. THEREFORE, HASBEEN, CONSIENCOUSLY, HENCEFORTH, ART THOU FORSAKENESS?

12. THERE IS NO ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT.

As the newly appointed The Bob read these commandments, the people cheered, for they knew then they had 12 utterly useless rules to live by.

Chapter X

The Flood

Shortly after the commandments were given, Ralph blew up a nearby dam, sending millions of gallons of water flooding into Bobland's streets. Despite the fact that one goldfish named Sven, who was about to die from loss of water, turned out to live and swim in the waters happily (or at least until that next Tuesday, when he ran out of food too!), much of the city was ravaged. The Almighty Bob called for a meeting of all the wisest Bobs in the land. They said that the flood should stay, for many more fishies could be saved. However, the All-Good Bob disagreed. "The dead cows are drowning! The llamas are having trouble flying away because their wings are heavy with water!", Bob protested.

A messenger ran in. "Sir, the downtown district is now under water! The paper-mache fortresses have become weak and water-logged! We must do something!"

A wise Bob said, "We can't even use our sporks to dredge away the water, they will not hold liquid!" "But we can't use spoons!", another jumped in.

Suddenly, with a twinge of pain, The Great Bob remembered that his aluminum foil shack would not be able to withstand the excess water! "Screw the fishies! We must --" "Sir", interrupted a wise Bob, "How does one screw a fish?"

Bob's rage grew, but then he had an idea. He would tell all the wise Bobs to duck -- sorry, I mean pour dehydrated water on the city from helicopters. The dehydrated water will hydrate to form water, but it will get confused because water was what it started out with, and it would seem nice if the dehydrated water would do something useful. The dehydrated water, in an attempt to look useful, would then try to come up with theory of relativity and when it miserably failed, The newly hydrated water would flee in anguish.

The wise Bobs began to mutter amongst themselves, but Bob put his foot down. "We MUST save Bobland. Somehow. Not for us, maybe not for our children, and maybe not even for the llamas. We must save Bobland just to piss off Ralph!"

And so it was done. The water, in its failed attempt to look useful, flooded away and left the streets of Bobland bone dry. Bobland won once again. Yay.

Chapter XI

Bob's Revenge

After Bob saved the city from flood, sliced, diced, and made julian fries, He decided that the flood should not go unpunished. The mighty armies of Bob marched on toward Ralphland, cutting a swath of destruction through the fertile valley on their way. They met Ralph's armies at the Battle of Ferrandorislovanders, a battle witch generally annoyed historians because it is such a hard word to pronounce, especially considering that the emphasis is on the eight syllable when the word has only 7.

At the Battle of Ferrandorislovanders, Bob's armies attempted to move the side of the valley and flank Ralph's armies. Then, from the top of the valley came a flood of soldiers from Georgeland, a usually neutral country. They flooded in and helped Ralph win a major victory against Bobland. The army of Bob began to flee but an order came down to shoot at people fleeing. Thus, the retreat was halted, and Bob's armies stood and fought again at Postinglitandersgrad, where they properly beaten back again to Bestlingtonjorvisktallopina, and there it was decided that the farther they retreated, the longer the place names got.

Bob's army decided to be nice to historians and halt the retreat once and for all. At Bestlingtonjorvisktallopina, the Bob army stood and fought bravely for several days, and was properly decimated. The army surrendered and went to a prison camp deep in Ralphland. Boo.

Chapter XII

Bob's Revenge for Bob's Failed Revenge

Bobland sent in flying llamas to airlift sporks to the detained soldiers. Now with sporks, the Bob Army revolted and fought back the prison camp guards. The army then entered Ralphland were they were properly beaten once more.
Hmph.

Chapter XIII

Bob's Revenge For Bob's Revenge For Bob's Failed Revenge

Yet another revolt was staged, this time with support from dead cows and flying llamas, Bob's army won a major victory, _finally_, at a town with a name long enough to fill volumes of this book. Bob's army was finally able to enter Ralphland, seized Town Hall and other strategic points in the city. As part of the surrender, Ralphs had to make pilgrimages to Bobland were they stand and pray to the DUCK - I mean GEORGE - I mean Bob. Bob's eyelids grew upon hearing this, as he knew that his revenge, oh yes, his sweet revenge was complete.

Chapter XIV

The Horrible Disaster Concerning Crashing Lamas and Genetics

Back in Bobland, there was a genetic engineering factory. Such things as superior forks, deader cows, and brighter pink llamas were created. Then there was a horrible disaster. A scouting pink flying llama, on patrol, suddenly flew toward the sun, was blinded, his wings melted, and flew to the ground like a dead cow or a brick. As the llama plummeted, Daedalous, who is from a completely different mythology and really had no point of being in Bobland, watched the events, remembering the fate that befell (no pun intended) his son.

The llama plummeted into the factory and appropriately made a squish sound. Llama gooze ran through the now broken window and into a vat. The vat churned and bubbled, and the workers, remembering a really bad horror movie they saw last night, fled in despair. Suddenly, out of the vat came a large purple newt (it is theorized that Newt Gingrich is a descendant. Very little change). As the newt walked out, an army of purple newts, hundreds strong, skipped out and gazed at the workers, all of whom wet themselves.

The newts, grateful to their creators, swore a pledge of allegiance to the flag of Bobland. They vowed to defend their country at all costs. They agreed to take on the name of Bob. Bob had found a new ally from his horrible disaster, and it was odd.

After a few months of silence, the flying llama scouts reported to the newts that an invasion force was on its way. The newts went to high alert, and the llamas continued their patrol. The dead cows...well, they were dead so who knows... Then, the newts spotted the enemy. "Sir, " said one, "They are but rats!" The commander replied, "Ah, but we must not underestimate the power of the great 42nd Rat Brigade. They were ridiculed in school, and on the base camp they were laughed at by the humans. But one night, the rats got diseased and went around biting people left and right. "Here he comes again!" said the soldiers as the rats jumped about, slaughtering the humans with their vicious bite. These rats are more powerful than the entire John Army. "To your llamas!", the commander called as the newts jumped into the llamas' grasp. The llamas flew them up at a safe height, were the newts shi- (is this a family audience? Well, just in case I'll use poop instead) pooped on the rats. The rats, confused, disarrayed, and suffocating, fled into the darkness of noontime. The 42nd, although not killed, were defeated for the first time. The newts loyalty, as well as urge to goto the bathroom was proved.

Chapter XV

Raisins Falling Through the Sands of Time

Some would be lead to believe that Bob was a single sided person with no sex life, asexual, no social life, and a being who was all-around boring and only stood for Bob. Well, as usual, you are wrong. Bob does, in fact, like to look at hooters (no, not his own he doesn't have them). He also, as a kid, talked to many other people, including Ralph, who later became his enemy. Bob does in fact, have a vivid and wild social life, including the night he got drunk and woke up with a bear.

He would goto parties in his underwear. Of course, since he's Bob he did not care. One time Ralph tried to pull down Bob's underwear. Quoth Bob, "Don't you dare!". At that point, a person who doth stopeth clocks with her vast ugliness walked in. Bob, although he was in general a "cool" guy, felt something for this girl although she looked much like a cow in a mumu. Of course, this is only an opinion, held by people who believe their opinion should be the opinion of all, not including the people who think their opinion is over opinionized. It is generally thought that the people who came up with these opinions did not meet and really get to know this person and therefore could not see her inner beauty. Now excuse me while I go vomit.

Ralph however also wanted to get this girl between the sheets with a nice platter of cheese. Bob and Ralph both moved toward the girl, with the same question. "Do you like cheese? Do you like thick and chunky salsa?" Ralph uttered his questions, and Bob retorted, "Oh please, my salsa is more chunky and thick than yours will ever be!" Ralph's face grew read as he shouted back, "Your salsa pleas in comparison. My salsa is spicier and nicier and caters more toward the complex tastes of more civilized people."

But we all know how the story ends.

Or do we?

Chapter XVI

Bob Begins His Quest

Gettin back on topic, Bob decided it would be best if he went along with his army on an invasion of Ralphland. The battle grew fierce and lasted many days and nights. Weeks passed, then years. Bob continued to fight bravely.

Soon, however, it became clear that Bob would not win under normal circumstances. The walls around Ralphland were impenetrable, and whenever Bob's army's touched the wall, they turned to stone (or is that medusa? I dunno, I'm really mixing up my mythology...). Bob realized he had to come up with a plan. He called in the pink flying llamas to do bombing runs, but Ralph shot the down with anti-aircraft guns. Llama-bits littered the field. Bob tried once again to scale the wall. This time He stacked up dead cows against it. The cows turned to stone but provided climbing leverage to scale the wall. This is the reason for the phrase "are you going to climb the cow wall today?". The army marched up the ramp of stone, but as they neared the top, the leader sneezed, fell backward (wow, it must have been a _huge_ sneeze), and crushed many talented young soldiers on his way down.

Bob's plans had failed miserably. At best, it would take many more years to force their way into the main gate. Then, Bob had an idea. A wonderful, beautiful idea. An idea that would shape nations, and idea that would burn down Ralphland.

He ordered the best carpenters in the land to construct a large wooden cow. Bob ordered most of his army to fall back to a point that could not be seen from the Ralph guards. Bob's 42 best soldiers stayed inside this large wooden cow, however.

That night, the large cow was wheeled into Ralphland and was greeted as a peace offering. Ralph, overjoyed at his victory, personally attended the celebrations. The celebration began to die down at 5 (Ralph was not known to be a party person) and by 6:20 pm the streets were deserted. At midnight, the hatch at the back of the cow opened, and Bob after Bob jumped out. Unfortunately, due to a minor oversight, the soldiers had to jump down too far and plunged to their deaths. All 42 soldiers jumped out a cow's butt like lemmings and quickly found themselves to be but red stains on ground. The cow and the bloody remains of the soldiers are now on display at the Bob Museum.

But anyway, Bob whimpered a bit and finally decided to go home. On his way, however, he became horribly sidetracked.

Chapter XVII

Raisins Baking in the Sun

Bob was sailing on water. He bumped into an island called Deutriteum, where he landed, after he bumped into an island called Deutrituem, that's Deutriteum. There he met a terrible beast. Now I caution you, concerned parents, if you are reading this with your kids, its best to put the little whippersnappers in bed. There is some nice sex and violence coming up. Or maybe not. But on the odd chance we wouldn't lie to you, you better tie up those children and dance about without them. This monster had two eyes of dark blue. IT stood six feet tall. It had long, blond hair, two arms and two legs!! Bob had never seen anything like this beast that called itself Mahn. What this mahn did annoyed Bob almost to death. It talked incessantly, left the toilet seat up, and watched Full House. The Mahn was an ultra-violent being. He took Bob captive and held him in a thing the Mahn called a trapeze. This trapeze was a ghastly creation I cannot begin to describe. Bob felt things were not going his way at this crucial point in his life.

Bob thought he was going to die of boredom. So he wrote a limerick about ducks:

There once was a man from Nantuk
Who really liked his pet duck.
So he sat down beside it
Quickly undressed it
And both were pregnant by morning

This limerick some how kept a smile on Bob's face during his imprisonment and a copy of it is now on display in the Bob Museum.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bob noticed a Domino's delivery truck. He quickly hot-wired it and drove off. The Mahn uttered a undescribable noise as he got into a sleek Volvo and gave cheese, err chase. During this chase, some police cars saw and decided to get in on the action. Suddenly, they all came to a huge intersection and as the light turned red, Bob put his foot on the gas and sped away, but the cars giving chase were forced to slam on their brakes when a spam delivery truck broke down in the middle of the intersection. Spam shrapnel shattered glass and people scattered through the streets. Bob wasn't looking as he crashed into the nude emporium. He saw many scantily clad or no-clad women dance about for his enjoyment. Then, the women stopped. They all went out, naked as a bear in heat, in the middle of the street, jumping up and down and screaming. The traffic stopped, and the cars giving chase slammed into each other, staring not at the impending wreck but at the women.

Chapter XVIII

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

OK, OK, so the title to this chapter makes no sense. So, sue me. Well, anyway, Bob was able to sail away in the confusion with a complement of his soldiers. However, as he was sailing into port at Bobland, a great storm came and blew him away back toward the open sea. As Bob was trying to figure out where he was, he saw something off the horizon - two blobs ahead, one resembling a creature, the other a whirlpool. No, not the kitchen appliance but the thingy that sucks things into a vortex. Actually, I just think vortex is an incredibly cool world. Well, anyway, Bob sailed ahead, not knowing what to do. Bob thought back to Greek mythology and began to wonder why Odysseus didn't sail around and try to bypass the two awaiting dooms. So he did. I could end the chapter here, but I won't because that'd be lame. Wait a minute, so is this entire book. A sheer waste of time and space. The worst part is...you're STILL READING IT AT THIS POINT!

All idiocy aside, Bob sailed away and found an island were people ate flowers that made them want to forget about going home. Not wanting to risk his men getting into these drugs, Bob kept all the soldiers aboard and went to the island to get water and food himself. God, Bob thought, Odysseus must have been a putz.

Chapter XIX

Another mind to corrupt!

Sadly at this point in time the writers of this odd book have run outta ideas and would be grateful if you would write a chapter. (Mu Ha Ha Ha! another mind to corrupt) If we like your chapter it will be put into this book and the proper credit will be given to whomever writes the chapter. Thank you for reading and all that stupid stuff...

[ Chapters 20-40 by InSaNeFooL ]

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