SELF ACCEPTANCE AND OTHER WHATEVERS
Sitting here at the computer, sitting outside, eating breakfast, staring at the wall...and all the time I have this nagging, but for once right-on, awareness that its time for another weakly update. I'm pretty good at finding things to do when there's something pressing on my consciousness. Let's see, I can drop into some of the local forums on regional issues, read some essay in some book, check my e-mail, think about changing my clothes, pick out some music—what I do is think about these things instead of what I want to talk about. Instead of even realizing what I want to talk about, and start writing. When I get into this pattern, what inevitably comes up is "Jeez, IŐm such a lazy, disorganized, ______ (fill in the blank), person!"
I can't tell you how many years I've been perfecting this pattern. IŐm good at it!
And, that is one way I am. It isn't the only way I am, of course not. Yes, I enjoy staring off into the distance. Its nice to live in central Oregon, where there is a distance to stare off into, let me tell you. When I'm able to do that, I can get out of locked-in thought patterns: my thinking gets creative and sometimes downright insightful. I notice my environment, see birds, animals, and end up feeling pretty OK—like the world is a pretty nice place, it has a distinct working pattern to it, and I belong in it. It is a sort of religious experience. I comfort myself by that almost unfocused awareness.
This is about accepting myself as I am. Like all of us, I do some things I don't really care for, but underneath I'm a good person. I belong. That's a sort of profound change in my outlook, one that's happened as I've become older. Some people do it younger, yeah. That's their trip, as we used to say. I've managed to integrate many parts of my life into the way I look at myself. I think that's the purpose of psychotherapy, and maybe a function of wisdom (OOPS, don't want to get or sound non-humble here!). I am the way I am, and at sixty-two, it's about time I came to that conclusion...
How do people change, really? Do we change by forcing ourselves to fit a mold we determine is the way we should be? (Or a mold someone else has, maybe many people have, determined who we should be?) I've never been able to do that. I've been able to make myself perfectly miserable by trying attempting to put myself into some sort of predetermined mold, but I haven't done much more. The changes I've made in my life have come about because I've been able to forgive myself for my self-perceived short-comings. I still have to work at this, sure—I'm really still quite good at getting down on myself for blunders, things I said or did not say, sins of omission or commission, you know the routine: we all do it. But what's happened is that I can, sooner or later, step out of that internal warfare. Sometimes I have to talk to other people about this, about whatever it is that I'm using to hammer on myself, but there are quite a few times when I can say, "Yeah, its OK to feel this way, Pete—of course you do!" I have to give myself absolution from my self-described/defined sins.
I have some procedures for doing this, like talking to the sky and the earth, realizing that they forgive (or maybe just can't be bothered!), by seeing that world around me and realizing I'm part of it, regardless of whether or not I notice...
When I do remember that I'm just another human being, clay feet, still have to tie my shoes one at a time, that my bodily wastes smell like everybody else's do, that I'm not a bad person. I'm not really a sick person, either, to dispute the slogan I've seen in so many meeting rooms, the one that says "I'm not a bad person getting good, I'm a sick person getting well." I'm just a person, period. I don't even know what "well" means. I just know that the more I accept myself as I am, the more honest I can be with others, and with myself. And if I'm able to be honest with myself, then I can see, more clearly, what I would like to accomplish, and what the effects of my actions are. I don't believe we're sinners, no. Sorry, original sin is not in my bag of definitions. We're all basically alike, neither all sweet nor all sour. I don't want to hurt people anymore than I want to be hurt. Seems pretty basic to me. Are others like this? Yeah, I think, mostly. Some aren't, sure. People can get really twisted up by biochemistry, wiring, trauma, environment—dozens of things. I haven't always acted in loving ways; I usually wanted to, but sometimes other stuff got in the way. Lots of times other stuff got in the way! It usually happened that the worse I was feeling about myself—toward myself—the more my interactions and behaviors toward others got twisted and came out sideways. I'd usually recognize that, sooner or later—and then use that perception to tell myself what an asshole I was. That was the ultimate lose-lose situation.
There was no bright white light when I realized I just was an average sort of person. No fireworks, no brass bands—in fact, it was an up-down, in-out, come-go process that took a lot of time. Sometimes I was OK with myself, sometimes not. Kind of like a change of tide, some big waves, some little waves— usually, the change was barely perceptible, if at all.
I did keep going at it, which I believe was due to some special help: people places and situations came into my life and helped promote my change. I honestly believe that was divine: a Higher Power was acting in my life. Sometimes, I even believed that I was "chosen" because I'd come through so much—and lived and was semi- sane. I didn't quite know what I was chosen for, but I believed I was special. "I'm a beloved child of God," I'd tell myself. I still do.
And I am! But then, we all are, aren't we?