Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

Workplace Wisdom: I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either. I love deadlines. I especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he wasn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling? My reality check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out that I just wanted paychecks.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: * 12% Monday * 23% Tuesday * 40% Wednesday * 20% Thursday * 5% Friday

Bumper stickers: Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. He who laughs last thinks slowest. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventor We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse. Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Answering machine messages: (Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.