I'm not going to dwell on this point much but I ABSOLUTELY DETEST PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS. They are bossy, stuck-up bastards who need a kick up the arse. They are single handedly responsible for stupid photo ideas which the couple always skip past when they show people their wedding album in the future. Grrr.
Now, the guests. Maybe it�s just me, but has anybody else noticed the dreadful one-upmanship contests that go on at weddings? Instead of the things you�re �supposed� to say at weddings (i.e. �wow she looks amazing�, �I like the flowers�, �mmm, nice soup�, etc.) all you hear is people (especially in the female, unmarried, 25-39 demographic) getting in as many sly digs as is humanly possible about the bride, the venue, the food, the guests or any part of it just so that they have something to moan about. Why? Personally I blame the OK magazine culture.
Case and point? When the bridesmaid is done up with 3 tonnes of smack, hair up, tiara on and the bride STILL looks much better with smaller effort � that�s when the claws come out. Wearing a tiara in my book screams �I�M WEARING THE F**KING CROWN!! ALL EYES ON ME!!�
By the time you�ve finished scrutinizing everything and everyone, you�ll realise you boyfriend will be in a taxi home bored to death, you�ll be drinking spirits from a hipflask you prepared earlier and before long you�ll be dancing to �A Little Bit More� by Liberty X with Uncle John, crying on his shoulder that it�ll never be your day. Uncle John then tells you to take your head out of your arse and actually be nice to know so you don�t repel nice blokes. Thirty years later you live in a small bungalow in Lisburn with only a scabby cat and the meals on wheels man for company.
Shit, I�m rambling again. Back to the wedding.
Why do DJ�s insist on playing that bloody song at EVERY function they�ve ever performed at? There�s a list of dreadful party hits that you never escape from at these events: the main offenders � Dancing Queen, Reach For The Stars, Night Fever or Stayin� Alive, Dirrty, 99 Red Balloons, Working 9 To 5, Car Wash� the list of dread goes on. Until Elvis comes on, I�m staying put.
Then all young couples in their 20s get the obligatory �ah, it�ll be you next�. As I was with Seanna for most of the night on Thursday it didn�t happen very often but as soon as I went to �visit Mr. Cartwright� (go for a slash) over they all came �hey Seanna, it�ll be you and Pete next�. Now, I�ve no problem accepting this as an inevitability (unless Gareth or Sinead are �next�), but say we were playing a wedding drinking game where you drink one shot every time you hear �it�ll be you next� � Seanna would have been on her back before I�d returned from the gents.
Kids get bored so very easily at these events too, leaving them to charge round the venue. The best thing about wedding venues is when kids have enough room to explore, maybe to play hide and seek or something. Keeps them occupied. Stops them trying to steal your beer. That�s until they request three pound coins off their dad to �get sweets out of the machine in the toilets�. HA! That�s got to have happened somewhere.
On Thursday there was a kid who was given an Early Learning Centre drum during the meal - a DRUM. Jesus, there's a mistake if you want one. I'm just under the impression that weddings aren't really for kids - obviously if their mum/aunt/big sister is getting married they'll want to see it. They shouldn't be dragged to one where their da's mate's boss is getting married and forced to behave even though they're bore out of their scones. I've certainly been in that situation before. I was at a wedding in Kent about 10 years ago I barely knew anyone, but the grounds of the venue had football goalposts set up and there were plenty of kids there for a kickabout - but that was jammy. I implore all of you, don't force your kids to these things.
So, in summary, my wedding will have no bitchy women invited, no DJs unless he has some 50s stuff or some metal, football goalposts for the kids, a toilet with fruit flavoured rubber johnnies in to confuse kids and embarrass their fathers, no drums, no tiaras and NO SMEGGING PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.
