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This machine has a plethora of possible functions, which it always accomplishes without error.  It's primary function is to hold things firmly to the ground, like chairs, volitile contaminants, cats, and the little gnomes that live beneath your house.  For most purposes, it is best to keep the invisible machine refridgerated, but in certain cases in can be kept in a furnace.  The invisible machine is responsible for the five second rule:  After five seconds, it bombards any food item on the floor with all the filth it can bring to bear.  If ever the invisible machine malfunctions, run away as fast as you can.  It has been known to devour things and turn them into piles of invisible excrement.  Sometimes it can be fixed just by stepping on it.  
 
 Warning: Keep away from bad odors, and other invisible machines