....just another giant waste of cyberspace

Why most athletes shouldn't be role models...
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me, to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his (then) lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked, after a loss, what he thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating."

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just darker."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

And the Best of the Worst:
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Dennis Commetti Gold...

"The umpire's done himself a mischief"

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they're playing My Sharona"

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his autograph book..."

"A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up until about 5 minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy."

Dermott: And the ball spills free to Kickett...
Cometti: Troy Cook you mean?
Dermott: Yes.. well, they do look rather alike.
Cometti: How so Dermott?
Dermott: (realising that sounded rather racist.) Umm, well, they are both..er..
Cometti: ..Midfielders, yes Dermott.

After the Mcmanus/Wirrpunda clash a few derbies back. 'Shaun goes back to collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.'

This one from Melb v Coll last year:
Healy: Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side. They say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life, Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man
Commetti: Id prefer my mum
(silence)
Commetti: Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care.

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray...capable of a subtle hold"

"Barlow to Bateman,the Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

"Simon Cox,he prides himself on his disposal"
Cox then short passes to a teammate 15 metres away.
"Well, I could have done that".

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they'd probably miss."

"Carl Steinfort looking more like Robert Walls than Robert Walls"

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line.....looking for wide runners.....passes to Walker...a contradiction in terms, really"

“The goal square's full of Bears, looks like we've got ourselves a convoy"

Commetti: “McVeigh, bobbing like a cork in the ocean”
[Cue applause from all in the Nine box, as it was the debut “cork in the ocean” call for the season]
Commetti: "Well, it was cork material…"

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut"

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf........hmmm, a farmer with a calf problem."

"Parker to Carr......sounds like a match made in heaven!"

After Lloyd gives Wakelin a little slap on ANZAC Day:
“Whoaa, there will be a duel at 5 oclock.”

Dennis: "Dear shoots… wait on the goal umpire… behind. A wry smile there from the goal umpire, certainly a sense of the dramatic."
Don Scott: "He's the danger man, Dennis."
Dennis: "Who? The goal umpire?"
Don: "No, Dear. Paul Dear."
Dennis: "Brennan kicks out to the outer side, straight to Paul Dear - you're uncanny Don."

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken out from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on....."

Stewart Dew kicks for goal early in the first: "He was brought here to do exactly that..(pause)...actaully 5 more than that, he kicks a behind."

DENNIS:"Whhhhoa CUMMINGS no it was almost a Modra like attempt we can see here in the replay"( As Cummings is in thee air slow motion)
DENNIS:"Modra,Modra,Modra..." (cummings gets no where near the ball looking like a clown) "CUMMINGS"

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better as a mammal"

On Corey McKernan’s poor form: "He's like a long jumper who can't reach the sand."

"I love that surname Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie -The Fixter…but I digress...”

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it wasn't bad enough being in 15th position"

Last night when Richmond kicked up the middle towards Ray Hall:"Richmond attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Brown.....down to Jones....all we need now is Smith"

Tony Liberatore had just gone into a pck as he is wont to do and come out with blood gushing from his eye: ”Libba went into the pack optimistically and came out misty optically."

Ball sails just over the line for a goal.
Dennis: That was absolutely wonderful!!
Jason Bennett: What was it Dennis? (obviously playing for the centimeter perfect line).
Dennis: Wonderful!! .............. Oh I missed my cue.

I think it was the Freo/Pies game last week and Dennis, after describing the second of 2 easy dropped marks says, "the Tale of Two Sitters".

When Mark went up for a mark: "... and the Mercuri is rising..."

Dermie: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?"
Dennis: "He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"Richardson contests the ruck....without much conviction. Well, he may be the best player on their list........well, certainly Matthew thinks he's the best player on their list at the moment......mind you, that's a bit like being the best Centre Half Forward in Czechoslovakia....."

"Almost a touch of synchronised swimming about that mark..... minus the peg..."

"Ball in dispute,Lamb,now Yze the meat in the sandwich Really Lamb should be in the sandwich."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus time-table"

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy???"

Commetti: "Before this game, I would have bet the mortgage on the Western Bulldogs, but I guess this shows that I may join the ranks of the homeless"...
They (Lyon, Brereton Commetti) were joking that Dennis would now be living out of a cardboard box .....
Kris Barlow Having a shot on goal
Cometti: "Well you could bet your house .... Ohhh"
Barlow misses ....
G.Lyon "You just lost your cardboard"

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like a rent-a- car".

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the unfriendly post"

"There is no footy god - only a footy accountant!"

On Friday night Rich vs Ess, the ball is passed to Hille of essendon, with Rodan trying to spoil. "He gave it his best, but that is a big hill to climb"