Remus Lupin,
the… GIRL?!?!
WARNING!!! Cliché ingredients thrown into writing plot!! James,
transfiguration, pranks, Remus, bad-timing and
Christmas HOLIDAYS!!!
A/N: Set back in the Marauder days. A very cliché story that was
written for the sole purpose of exploring the possibility in which Remus is a girl!! MUAHAHAHHHHAA!!! Flames will be used to
roast fish sticks! YUM!!! Characters do not belong to meeeeeee!!!
~*~
“Fiddleweed!
It’s cold!!!!” Peter Pettigrew grumbled miserably as he shoved his fingers
deeper into his jacket pockets.
“Don’t worry, Peter. The train will be here soon,” Remus Lupin answered back calmly,
idly watching the vapor steam out of his mouth.
The other snorted and stamped some snow off his feet. “Can you
BELIEVE the amount of homework that McGonagall gave!! It’s too much! It’s too
hard! It’s ridiculous!!!!” the shorter boy whined, glancing down at his stack
of book idly lying with the rest of his luggage.
“It’s also Christmas…” Remus mumbled,
amber eyes distant. “I…I’m actually going home… it’s been so long,”
“Yeah… awfully nice of Dumbledore in letting you go back,”
Remus nodded, a brilliant smile
fluttering to his usually sad lips. “My mother was *so* pleased, and I think
I’m confident enough to make the trip. The next… full moon… isn’t going to rise
until next week.”
“How long will you be gone? I’ll probably be away for the whole
winter break!”
The dusty haired boy frowned slightly. “Uh… three days I think… I
really don’t want to linger too long just in case… you know… the moon comes
early or something…”
Peter made a face. “Ack!
You worry too much Moony! Leave that to Prissy Precocious Prongs! ‘Oh no, will
I catch the snitch this season? Oh god! I have to be head boy AGAIN! Oh crap!!
Will Lily Evans ever LOOK at me??’”
Remus snickered and tried very hard
to hide it. “Poor Prongs. And Padfoot too. He’ll be two members short this
winter,”
Peter nodded, absently craning his neck to stare down the railroad
track. “Mind as well say three members short since our dear James Potter made
that solemn vow to abstain from all prank making and detention getting in order
to win the heart of nerdy Lily,”
“Don’t say that about Lily, Peter cause James really—” Remus froze suddenly in mid-sentence and his face
immediately paled. “Oh… CRAP!!!!!” he shrieked, instantly dropping his bundle
of books and streaking down the railway platform.
“What? What??” Peter demanded, blinking in confusion. It was a
very rare occasion indeed when Remus Lupin swore.
“James! Present! Mother!! Must go! Don’t wait!!!” Lupin hollered back before disappearing down a corner.
“But Moony the train!!” Peter yelled but Remus
was gone.
~*~
Remus had wanted to give his mother
something special for Christmas – two matching, emerald squirrel slippers that
squeaked – and at the last minute, James had persuaded him to pass over the
slippers for some ‘final tweaking’. If it wasn’t for the fact that the slippers
looked more like squids than squirrels, Remus
wouldn’t have bothered. “Damn that Potter for being so damn good at
transfiguration…” he grumbled just as he rounded a sharp bend…
POW!!!
In the next instant, Remus was flat on
his back, having rushed head-on into someone who was very familiar.
“Curse you Lupin!! Aren’t you supposed
to be gone??!”
“Severus…” Remus
replied, trying to sound polite. “I’m sorry… here let me help,”
Snape knocked the other’s hand away
and continued to scowl. His books and papers were strewed everywhere and one
bottle of odd-smelling potion was broken. “You’ve helped enough! I for one am
SO glad I’ll not be seeing any of your faces this whole winter… even if I’ll
miss Potter’s little mishap—”
Remus frowned. “Wha?”
“NOTHING!!” Snape shot back hurriedly.
“Good bye and good riddance Lupin,” he said, before
stomping off.
Shrugging of Snape’s last comment, Remus hurried down the corridor. After negotiating a series
of tricky turns and stair climbing he reached a rather secluded enclave. “Lestri Na!” he shouted, pointing his wand at a large
tapestry. It shuddered briefly before uncurling to reveal a small opening.
Gripping his wand in between his teeth, Remus
scrambled his way through the tiny tunnel. It emptied into a dark room and a
forlorn-looking boy with a prominent ‘Head Boy’ badge stuck to his tunic was
sitting on a chair, plucking at a lily.
“She loves me… she loves me not… she loves me…”
“Pronggg!” Remus
muttered from between gritted teeth, struggling to squeeze out of the hole.
“…She loves me not… she lo—”
“PRONGS!!”
“What?!?” James yelled back in the exact same tone. With a quick
turn, he swiveled about in his chair to stare at the crouching Lupin. “Moony? Aren’t you supposed to be gone?”
“My squirrels!!!” Remus yelled
frantically, coming out of the tunnel in a ‘pop’. “Where are my squirrels?!?”
“Your wha--?” James stared blankly.
“Prongs I’ve got no time for this! The train will be leaving
soon!! Where are they??”
The gears in Potter’s brain slowly creaked in movement. “You… mean
the slippers?”
“What else?!?”
An even more befuddled look came to James’ face. “B-But didn’t
Sirius give them to you??”
“Sirius????”
James nodded.
“NO!” Remus shook his head almost
violently.
The Gryffindor seeker’s face fell and he began to bite his lower
lip. “Oh dear…”
Just at that moment an owl flew through the tunnel and dropped a
letter to Remus. The hazel eyed boy stared at it
briefly before tearing it apart.
--------
Moony the train is HERE!!! HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Wormtail
--------
“ACK!!!!!!!!! I SHALL MURDER THAT SIRIUS BLACK!!!!!” Remus screamed, crushing up the letter viciously.
~*~
Padfoot was curled up on a lovely
gold-maroon carpet by the Gryffindor fireplace. He yawned with pleasure before
tucking his head deeper into the folds of the furry carpet. Ah… this was the
life… just idly sitting by with a good rug, a good fire and a REALLY good…
“CHEWING TOY!?!?!” a booming voice filled with both misery and
fury thundered throughout the dorm.
With a frightened yelp, Padfood leapt to
his feet, yellow eyes spotting two humans approaching him – one looked
homicidal. Oh uh… Seeing no other way out, Padfoot
approached the brown haired boy with a sheepish whine, and deposited two very
well chewed and masticated slippers at his feet.
“Sirius…” Remus hissed in a deathly
whisper.
The dog looked up at him with doleful eyes and continued whining
piteously.
“Did you chew up my mother’s squirrel slippers?”
Padfoot hung his head in shame and
tucked his head in between his feet.
“I’m gonna kill you now…”
Padfoot glanced up quickly. That trick
didn’t work. This was not good.
What happened next was a flurry of motion. Remus
(being the fastest caster of the four) had whipped out his wand and was
half-way through his incantation when James (summoning all his Seeker skills
and agility) tackled him to the ground, which caused the ensuing fireball to
blast erratically skywards, barely missing Sirius (who had transfigured back to
human form and had leapt behind a chair) and blasting the Gryffindor chandelier
– sending it crashing to the floor in a cacophony of chaos and loud profanity.
“Bloody @#$%^!@!!!” Sirius swore, peeking
out from behind the couch, which was now impaled by shattered glass.
“Damn! MISSED!!! Hold still you mangy mutt!!!” Remus
hissed.
“Whoa… somebody is actually cursing! Good on ya
Moony!” Sirius smiled back sweetly.
Remus seemed even more prickled.
“DIE!!!!!!”
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!” A new voice interrupted.
“Li-Li-Lily…!” James stammered, his eyes going unbelievably wide.
And there was Lily Evan; standing at the top of the stairs, hands
on her hips; auburn hair wild and spooky; cheeks flushed red; and ‘Head Girl’
badge flashing brightly.
“Potter! I should have known! I guess some people just can’t
change!!” Lily grumbled angrily.
“No… Lily… isn’t like that! I didn’t do it! I… I tried to stop
it!” James pleaded frantically.
“Excuses… excuses… Potter,” Lily shot back sternly, but there
seemed to be a flicker of tenderness in her eyes. “Make sure this mess is
cleaned up by this evening or I’ll have to report you. At least no one got
hurt…” with that she disappeared back up the stairs.
“Lily…” James wailed, making a half-run at her before stopping.
Very slowly, he turned around to face Sirius who began backing away.
“L-Look… guys! D-Don’t do anything… uh foolish now, eh?” Still the
two boys did not waver. Remus and James started to
slowly lift their wands. “It’s just a bloody slipper okay?!?” Sirius yelped,
eyes fearful. “PLEASE!!! I COULDN’T HELP IT MOONY!!! I *wanted* to give it to
you, honest! B-But the longer I held it… a… a… desire came over me!!! The
squirrels… they… they just looked SO good… Before I knew it I had transfigured
and all I can remember is this flurry of pleasure and fluff!!!”
Remus stared at his friend steadily,
wand still raised but his expression seemed to soften.
“Moony… I…I’m sorry,” the taller boy finished, filled with
remorse.
For a moment no one spoke, but gradually Lupin
sighed and lowered his wand. “I know you are Padfoot…”
he mumbled bleakly. “I’m sorry too… sorry that my mother will never get her
squirrel slippers and – Ohmigosh! The TRAIN!!!! I’m
LATE!!!!!”
“@#$%! I’ll run along ahead and see if I can stop them!!!” Sirius
yelled before bounding away on all fours.
Remus was about to follow his friend
when James grabbed his arm. “Remus!!
We could conjure a new pair of squirrel slippers!”
“There’s no time!!!” Lupin protested,
yanking away from the other wizard.
“TOGETHER!!!” James roared, eyes afire
with determination. Without waiting for further objection, he dragged the
shouting boy to their transfiguration class chamber. “The ingredients should
all still be there… I haven’t cleared it up yet cause
some of the potions are the same ones I need for McGonagall’s homework
assignment.”
James immediately set to work and fired up his cauldron.
“This is too rushed Prongs!!!” Remus
wailed.
“Shut up and cast if you want that present!!!”
“But…”
“Some of this and some of that and a little of this purple saffron…”
“James! This is not…” Remus paused and
stared at Potter rigidly. “Did you say PURPLE???”
“Yeah? Why??” James said, frowning. His potion was now bubbling
very aggressively. “What in…?”
“WATCH OUT!!!!!!” Remus screamed,
leaping forward and knocking James away just as the molten potion exploded and
rained down its boiling contents. They tumbled to the ground, Remus taking the full blow of the potion. A cry was heard
as the purple steam sizzled onto the dusty brown haired boy’s cloak. Groaning
in distress, Lupin scrambled unsteadily,
purple-stained hands cupping his face. “Pain… pain…”
Whipping his head around, James was instantly on his feet.
“REMUS!!!!” he cried, sprinting to his friend’s aid that now lay sprawled face
down. “Remus??” Carefully he
tilted the smoldering form…
TBC!
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