gomen about the next chapter of shades of lilac.  stuff
happened and i couldn't get to work on it.  *whispers*
blame patch!  she made me go with her instead of letting
me work on the next part.  anyway, i'm holding the next
chapter hostage until a certain someone writes a chapter
of her fic.  no need to mention names, she knows who she
is.  *grins*  you better get moving!  lol.  by the way,
this fic is a bit confusing, but hopefully not too much.
if you have any questions or need any clarifications,
please email me.  i'll do what i can.

oh and thanks to patch patch for beta-ing this for me.



standard disclaimers apply:  I don't own sailor moon
or any of the characters related to it, so please don't
sue me!  the song isn't mine either, but the poem is!



a friend is one to whom one may pour out all the
contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together
knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and
sift it keep what is worth keeping and with a breath
of kindness blow the rest away
			  - Arabian Proverb
However far apart we may be, love will always carry
me close to thee. - Tuxedo Mask/Kamen



By A Moment



Desperate for changing
Starving for truth



		"Seriously, I think that you're going
about this the wrong way," the blonde said, filling the
white porcelain cup with coffee.
		"I know," his dark-haired companion
conceded as he reached for the cup.
		His fingers felt the warmness of the cup
as he grasped it in his hand.  As the steam rose, the
smell of the beans reached his nostrils.  His tongue
could practically feel the bitterness of the coffee, even
before he placed it in his mouth.
		"Well then why don't you do something
about it?"
		Mamoru shrugged and Motoki sighed.  Every
day it was the same thing.  Mamoru would come in, sit
down, and wait for Motoki to bring him his next "hit" of
caffeine.
		The conversation moved, as it always did,
from school to a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed young
girl.  Motoki tried his hardest to convince Mamoru to
change his ways and try and amend the relationship, or
lack thereof as Motoki put it, Mamoru  had with the
odangoed one.
		"I hate to tell you this, but before you
know it, someone else will sweep her off her feet," he
said, taking his leave to help the other customers that
had filtered into the arcade from school.
		Mamoru sighed.  He knew that Motoki was
right.  She would eventually find someone else if he
didn't do anything soon.
		So what was stopping him?
		His dream princess.
		The one that haunted him every night for
as long as he could remember.  In fact, she was the only
person he could remember.  Everything and anyone before
the accident, that took away his family, was a blur.  Of
course, every now and then he would wake up in a cold
sweat, screaming, reaching out for his mother and father,
but that was all.  Anytime he needed comfort or the need
to feel loved, his princess was there.  He just couldn't
turn his back on her after all she'd done for him.



Closer to where I started
Chasing after you



		Then, there was Usagi.
		Unlike the princess, Usagi was real.  She
was someone he was able to touch and feel, someone that
brought him out of his lonely existence and made him feel
. . . Through Usagi, he was able to feel emotions he
never thought he was capable of feeling.  Her cheery and
lively personality rubbed off on him and made him feel
something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time . . .
alive.  He felt alive every time she was near him, every
time she hurled an insult at him, every time she threw
something at him, every time she fell right into his
awaiting arms.



I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you



		She was all that and so much more.   How
could he confess his love to her, then dream about
another girl, not to mention lust after yet another?



Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete



		Yes, lust.
		As the masked hero of the night, Tuxedo
Kamen, he had had a lot of close contact with one super-
heroine, Sailor Moon.  He couldn't deny that he was
attracted to her beauty, which was only enhanced by the
tight senshi uniform she wore in battle.  He wasn't the
only male in Tokyo entranced by her, though, nor could he
hide hide the jealousy he felt every time he thought
about it.  He wanted to strangle anyone who even dared to
try something.  He couldn't understand why though, since
he was only physically attracted to her.
		But, then again, he did love the look of
determination in her azure eyes each time she sent her
tiara sprialing through the air.  He also loved the way
she would always look at him,-with those very same eyes-
a dream-like expression present in them.
		'Oh no!' his brain yelled, 'it's more
than just physical!'
		The realization that he was in love with
three, very different, very beautiful women hit Mamoru
like a ton of bricks.  He could feel the quickening of
his heart and the burden he carried on his shoulders
increase ten-fold.
		How could he have let this happen?
		Tightly shutting his cobalt eyes, Mamoru
cupped his face with his large hands, resting his elbows
on the counter.  He didn't know what to do anymore and
wished that things were different . . . He wanted to go
back to the way he was before, when he was a lost, lonely
boy who had no one.  It had been easier that way, since
he didn't have to worry about anyone, and they, in turn,
didn't have to worry about him.
		The jingling of bells broke him out of
his reverie.  Mamoru quickly glanced at his watch and
noticed that it was 3:18.
		She was here, and if he were still *that*
way, then he wouldn't be able to live.
		Readying himself for battle, Mamoru
placed the mask on.  It was the one he reserved only for
Usagi.  Mamoru grinned, here they go again,
		"So Odango, fail any tests lately?" he
said, a hint of mirth in his voice.



I'll take your invitation
You take all of me



		She didn't say anything.  Walking past
him as if he wasn't there.  A frown replaced the smile on
his face.  Why had she done *that*?  No matter how cruel
he was to her, she would never act coldly towards him
. . . she wasn't capable of it.



		"Hey Toki-chan!" she chirped, making her
way to the Sailor V game.
		Motoki, who was helping a young boy with
another game, looked up and smiled.  Quickly excusing
himself, he made his way to Usagi and sighed.
		"How's it going onii-chan?"
		"Don't ask."
		"That great, huh?" she said sarcastically.
		"Don't start," he reprimanded as Usagi
placed a coin into the slot and began pressing buttons.
		"Haven't seen you in a while," he said
quietly, knowing the real reason why she had stopped
coming to the arcade.
		"You know.  I've been busy," she replied
nonchalantly, her blue irises glued to the screen before
her.
		"Usa, I know how upset you are about-"
		"Iie.  You promised we wouldn't mention
it."
		"I know, demo . . . you're obviously
upset about it, and holding it in is not going to help
you get over it.  I just . . . I want to help."
		"I never asked for help," Usagi spat
angrily.



		After the initial shock wore off, Mamoru
casually walked over to Usagi and noted that she and
Motoki were engrossed in a conversation.
		He felt it again.  The blood in each
vessel of his body begin to heat up . . . boiling as he
caught wisps of Motoki and Usagi's conversation.  He
hated that he was so close to her, that Motoki  was able
to do what he could not:  talk to her freely, laugh with
her, comfort her . . .



I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you



		Rather than being taken aback by the
harshness of her voice, Motoki chuckled slightly, causing
Usagi to blush a pinkish hue and look away sheepishly,
		"Gomen onii-chan."
		"Don't worry about it.  I know how hard
this is for you . . . well, not really, but I can
somewhat relate, ne?"
		"Hai."
		"Have you heard anything?"
		"Iie.  Ami-chan is still working on her
computer, Rei-chan is still doing fire readings,
Mako-chan keeps making me my favorite foods, and then
there's Mina . . . um, she's just being Mina."
		Motoki smiled and reached for her hand,
clasping it with his,
		"Usa, onegai, look at me," he whispered.
		She turned her head away from the screen
and looked at him.  Motoki could see the tears forming in
her eyes and wanted nothing more than to take away the
pain she felt.  Someone as pure and innocent as Usagi
shouldn't be feeling such pain.



I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you



		Mamoru watched the intimate scene unfold
before him.  His usual, calm, stoic demeanor dissipated
into something sinister.  He felt strong bursts of energy
fill him, whispers of dark voices, taunting him . . .
teasing him . . . transforming him into someone he
thought he would never be . . .



There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind



		Motoki's hand cupped Usagi's face.  A
lone tear escaped her eye, followed by another, and
another, falling like rain drops on Motoki's large hand.
		"Usa . . . "
		She couldn't take it anymore.  Leaning
forward, Usagi closed the small gap that separated them,
effectively burying herself in Motoki's awaiting arms.
She inhaled his scent and realized that it didn't smell
like *his*.  Motoki's warm arms were nothing compared to
*his*.



There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else



		No longer being able to bear more, he
felt tears stinging his eyes, burning them, willing them
to go blind.  It was better than watching his so-called
best friend and the woman he loved like *that*.
		A tear fell from his darkened eye,
leaving behind a momentary coolness that vainly attempted
to calm the burning rage inside of him.
		His cape made a slight sound as he turned
away.  It sounded like a wounded animal, crying out for
someone to save him from the eternal darkness that was
consuming him.  Another tear fell, and he harshly wiped
it away,  silently cursing himself for showing so much
emotion, especially in a public place.
		His heart, which felt like it had been
ripped from his chest, screamed for him to stop.  But he
would not listen.  His rationale, his pride, his coldness,
took over.  They wouldn't let him turn back.  With a
deliberate step, he walked out of the arcade, bells
jingling as the doors opened and closed.



		Out of the corner of his eye, Motoki
watched his best friend's disappearing figure and wished
that it didn't have to be this way.
		But, it had to be.
		He had to learn to confront his feelings
head on, no matter what the consequences were.
		'Why can't you remember?' Motoki asked
silently, bringing Usagi closer to him, in an attempt to
comfort her, 'this should be you, not me . . . '



		Walking blindly through the streets, he
relied on his feet to take him . . . away . . . to a
place far from *there*.
		But, no matter how hard he tried, he
couldn't get *that* image out of his mind.  It would be
forever emblazoned in his memory, always to be remembered,
never to be forgotten.
		He stopped mid-step.  A feeling of
nostalgia washing over his mind, body, soul, most of all,
his heart.
		No one paid any attention to him.
Walking, going on with their lives, as if he wasn't there.
		He was forgetting something.
		Something he wasn't supposed to forget.
		A promise?
		Yes, he thought unsurely . . .
		NO, the voices whispered to him,
increasing their power over him with each passing second.
		Feeling his heart constrict, he brought a
hand to his chest, trying to relieve the pain somehow.
But, he couldn't.  His legs gave way, and he reached for
a near-by wall for support, shifting his weight so that
he was leaning against it slightly.  His pride wouldn't
let him rely on an inanimate object for support,
especially in a public place, with so many people around.
		He looked up and noticed that the sun was
being engulfed by a few dark clouds that were looming in
the atmosphere.  A few, turned into many, and soon the
entire sky was covered in an eerie and unusual darkness.
		A part of him wanted to cheer for joy.
Darkness always won over the light.  Yet, a part of him,
albeit a small part of him, held back.  Perhaps it was
the other way around?  Light always triumphs over the
dark . . .



		Feeling a wetness on his face, he
realized that the clouds decided to release their own
onslaught of emotions.  Surveying the sky, he deciphered
that the big, black clouds won't retain the water for
much longer, so he decided to look for cover.
		He wasn't being a coward, he assured
himself.  Besides, no one was on the streets; they were
all too frightened by the oncoming storm to stay out.
He, on the other hand, was not.
		A streak of silver flashed in the sky,
illuminating it momentarily.  It was followed by a
rumbling that shook so violently, it made him shudder.
Another flash followed, and this time he noted that it
allowed him to see one of the entrances to the park, a
perfect place to ride out the storm.



Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you



		He didn't know where he was going,
relying on sheer instinct to guide him.  As he got
farther into the park, he noted that the brown dirt paths
had become darker, an almost chocolate color.  He could
hear a squishing sound as his boot made contact with the
wet, muddy ground.
		His heart constricted.  She was near.
		He looked up, black eyes softening to
their natural color, blue.  No matter what, he could
never hate her, never leave her, he would always lo-
		NO . . . the voices yelled, trying to use
their power to influence him once more.
		He didn't listen, nor did he turn away.
Instead, he set his eyes on the one person he had been
longing to see . . . the one who would make things right
. . . the one who would set him free . . .
		She would be his light, the light that
would overcome the darkness.



I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you



		Usagi sat, back leaning slightly against
the large tree.  Her clothes were drenched and her hair
out of their customary odangoes, and matted to her face.
Her eyes were closed, forehead covered in little creases.
		She was remembering, he realized.  Usagi
was remembering what he had forgotten.  She was
remembering for him.
		He watched her, not knowing what to do.
The voices that controlled a part of him were working in
overdrive to stop him.  But, they could not.  The part of
him that had been locked away was in control.
		Although it was in control, it didn't
know what to do.  So it waited, patiently, for a sign.



I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you



		"Mamo-chan . . . " Usagi whispered to no
one in particular.
		But he had heard her and moved closer to
her figure.
		*That* name sounded so familiar to him.
He had heard it before . . . but where?



Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you



		"Gomen ne, Mamo-chan . . . it was all my
fault.  If I hadn't been so careless!  Onegai, forgive me
. . . forgive me . . . come back to me . . . Endymion."


		Prince Endymion stopped.  She called his
name, his other name.  Only the princess knew, how could
she?
		Suddenly, everything became clear to him.
That's what he had forgotten.  His angel was his princess,
both of whom were Sailor Moon . . . and he loved all
three of them.
		Prince Endymion remembered.
		Now he could fix things, make them right
once more . . . for Mamoru . . .
		NO . . .
		Prince Endymion could feel the voices
taking over again.  He felt paralyzed as a sudden surge
of dark energy filled him.
		His Queen beckoned.
		Mamoru was too close.
		They were remembering.
		His Queen sent youma to bring him back
home, a home that neither Prince Endymion, nor Mamoru
belonged to.  They grabbed him, tightly, pulling him
toward the portal that had opened.
		Both Prince Endymion and Mamoru struggled.
Everything had become so clear.  Motoki wasn't telling
him, them, to stop teasing Usagi, rather, he was telling
them to remember . . . to fight his way back to her . . .
		His Usako.
		She looked up at him, through him.  He
could see the tears that fell from her eyes and wanted to
wipe them away.
		Why couldn't she see him?
		He wanted to yell at her, tell her that
he was here, and always would be . . . he would love her,
protect her, always be on her side, no matter what.
		As he struggled against the demons that
had come back to reclaim him, he saw her open her mouth,
whispering barely audible words, words that were meant
for him to hear



		watching You from a distance
		I yearn for the past . . .

		whispers of lovers
		ring through my ears
		gentle caresses
		make me shiver
		wanting more

		You have forgotten
		but I shall never

		I wait for the day
		when You and I
		can be together
		when We can be
		whole again

		do You not see me?
		wanting . . .
		waiting . . .
		needing . . .

		why do You deny the love
		that was meant to be?
		the love that has
		survived . . .
		endured . . .

		break the chains that bind thee
		give into the feeling
		give into Me



		Endymion did see her, but he could fight
no longer.  They had pulled him into the portal.  A
feeling of fatigue washed over him.  He couldn't give up.
He wouldn't give up.
		A promise.
		He promised to return to her, to fight for
her, to come back to her, give into her.
		"My, my Endymion," his Queen spat, "what
have we been up to, hmm?"
		Her icy hands touched his cheek, sending
shivers throughout his body.
		Mamoru turned away and looked at Usagi's
disappearing figure.
		Noticing this, Beryl fumed,
		"Well, it looks like Mamoru has been up
to no good.  Don't worry *my* Endymion, we'll fix him,"
she finished, using her magic to close the portal faster
before commanding the youma to take Mamoru to the chamber.
		As the portal closed in front of him, the
last thing he saw was Usagi's figure rocking herself back
and forth to the rhythm of the rain's melody.



evil?  very.  depressing and sad?  yup!  why did i write
this?  *shrugs*  beats me.  *points at evil endy and runs
away from pointed objects*  minna wait!  i'm thinking of
writing a sequel, but don't expect one too soon.  i think
that i'd better finish my unfinished fics first.

the song is not mine, it belongs to lifehouse.  it's
called hanging by a moment and is on their no name face
album.  i really love this song!  the poem, however, is
mine!

any and all comments are welcome.  ja ne!

redrose