| 1. ASH VS THE ARMY OF DARKNESS: MY ALL TIME FAVORITE. THE NO HOLDS BARRED CONCLUSION TO THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY. WITH MORE ONE-LINERS THAN EVERY ACTION-HERO MOVIE COMBINED (JUST PLAY DUKE NUKEM FOR A TASTE), AND SURPRISINGLY DECENT EFFECTS, THIS MOVIE ROCKETED TO THE TOP OF THE B-HORROR MOVIE LADDER. KIND OF AN INDIANA JONES MEETS RAMBO FLICK. THE CAST AND CREW WENT ON TO OTHER PROJECTS LIKE HERCULES, XENA, AND BRISCO COUNTY JR. 2. THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY: A LONG WESTERN STARRING (YOU GUESSED IT) CLINT EASTWOOD. BACK TO A SIMPLER TIME WHEN THE BAD GUYS WORE BLACK, AND THE GOOD GUY KILLED THEM WITH A SIX SHOOTER. I THINK THIS MOVIE IS HILARIOUS, BUT I'M PROBABLY MISSING THE POINT 3. SHAFT: IN MY OPINION, THE MOST ENTERTAINING OF THE 70'S BLACKSPLOITATION FILMS. YEAH, I'M TALKIN' BOUT THE ORIGINAL AND NOT THE RECENT QUASI-REMAKE. THIS DUDE WAS JUST JAMES BOND FOR THE SOULFUL 70'S. SLEEK STYLE AND A GROOVIN' SOUNDTRACK MAKE IT WORTH SEEING. DIG IT? 4. IRON MONKEY: A SPECTACULAR KUNG-FU FLICK CONTAINING DAZZLING EFFECTS (LIKE CROUCHING TIGER), BLINDING FIGHT SCENES, AND A SLY HUMOR. THIS WAS ACTUALLY RELEASED ON VHS IN A DUBBED FORM LONG BEFORE TARRANTINO'S VERSION MADE ITS THEATRICAL DEBUT. PERSONALLY, I DIG THE ORIGINAL. THE ONLY KUNG-FU FLICK ON PAR WITH ENTER THE DRAGON. 5. BLAZING SADDLES: PROBABLY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN. A MEL BROOKS MASTERPIECE, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH MAKING A MOVIE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. THE P.C. NUTS WOULD HAVE A FIT. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO TAKES THIS MOVIE SO SERIOUSLY THAT THEY ARE OFFENDED, BUT I'M SURE THOSE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE. THEY JUST NEED A HUG. |
| I LOVE TV. IT'S LIKE A BOOK, BUT WITHOUT THE EFFORT OR LITERACY. RATHER THAN SPOUT OUT MY FAVORITE SHOWS, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE SOME QUESTIONS I PONDERED THROUGH THE YEARS. I GUESS I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN'T JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW. 1. GILLIGAN'S ISLAND: OK-I SAW THE BOAT IN THE OPENING CREDITS. YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THE Y CAN BUILD AN ENTIRE MINI-VILLAGE, BUT CAN'T PATCH A 5X5 HOLE IN THEIR BOAT? I'M TO BELIEVE THAT THEIR COCONUT RADIO WORKED FINE, BUT THEY COULDN'T REPAIR THE SHIP'S VHF RADIO? I MEAN REALLY-AT LEAST MAKE IT A PLAUSABLE SCENARIO. HOW FAR DID THEY DRIFT, ANYWAY? THEY WERE ON A THREE HOUR TOUR, SO THEY COULDN'T HAVE PACKED TOO MUCH FOOD OR FRESH WATER; AND YET, THEY ALL ARRIVED HEALTHY ON THE ISLAND. LET'S SAY WORST CASE SCENARIO, THEY WERE ADRIFT FOR THREE DAYS. EVEN WITH A 3KT CURRENT, THAT WOULD PUT THEM ONLY 216 MILES FROM HOME PORT. KINDA HARD TO HIDE AN ISLAND 216 MILES FROM A POPULATED TOURIST LOCATION. PLUS, SCORES OF PEOPLE VISITED THAT SUPPOSEDLY "DESERTED" ISLAND. IT ALL JUST DOESN'T ADD UP. IF I WANT TO SEE A GOOD "DESERTED-ISLAND" STORY, I'LL JUST RENT LORD OF THE FLIES. 2. STAR TREK: I WILL PREFACE THIS BY STATING THAT I AM A FAN. HOWEVER, SOME THINGS JUST BOTHERED ME. WHY DOES THE SHIP NEED A UNIVERSAL TRANSLATER?-APPARENTLY EVERYONE THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE SPEAKS ENGLISH. ALL WOMEN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE ARE HOTTIES. THEY ONLY DIFFER IN THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN. EVERY STRANGE NEW PLANET SEEMS TO BE DEVELOPING "PARALLEL" TO ANCIENT EARTH. KINDA A STRANGE COINCIDENCE. THE PRIME DIRECTIVE GETS BEAT DOWN NEARLY EVERY EPISODE. FOR BEING SO IMPORTANT, IT SURE ISN'T. TIME TRAVEL SEEMS TO BE REMARKABLY EASY WHEN IT AFFECTS THE PLOT. ALTHOUGH FAR INTO THE FUTURE, THE ENTERPRISE RELIES PRETTY HEAVILY ON ANALOG CONTROLS THROUGHOUT THE SHIP. BUDGET CUTS? 3. DUKES OF HAZARD: THIS TOWN JUST SUCKS. I MEAN, BAD GUYS GO ROLLIN' THROUGH LIKE CLOCKWORK. MAYBE IF DAISY WORE REAL PANTS, SHE WOULDN'T BE KIDNAPPED EVERY EPISODE. IF ROSCOE REALLY WANTED TO CATCH THE DUKES, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST WAIT AT THEIR HOUSE? WHY GO ON A CRAZY CAR CHASE IN WHICH HE'LL INEVITABLY WIND UP IN A DRAINAGE DITCH? YOU'D THINK BOSS HOG WOULD LEARN HIS LESSON. EVERY CROOKED PLAN HE HATCHED BACKFIRED. ISN'T HE AN ELECTED OFFICIAL? TIME TO HOLD A VOTE. ALSO, FOR BEING A REASONABLY HEAVY CAR, THE GENERAL LEE SURE GOT A LOT OF HANG TIME (OVER BILLBOARDS, SOMETIMES). 4. JAG: LIKE TOM CLANCY GONE WILD. THESE LAWYERS HAVE AMAZING SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE CONSIDERING THEIR JOB TITLE. THE ADMIRAL SEAL JAG IS A NICE TOUCH ALSO. THIS SHOW IS FAIRLY ACCURATE IF YOU DISCOUNT THE TECHNICAL MISREPRESENTATIONS, PROCEDURAL FLAWS, VIOLATIONS OF PROTOCOL, AND MILLION OTHER BOGUS FACTS. STILL, A GOOD ADVERTISEMENT. 5. MR ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD: APPARENTLY JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM SESAME ST. WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL WE ARRIVED TO CHANGE OUTFITS? SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING HE COULDV'E TAKEN CARE OF EARLIER. ALSO, THERE WERE A LOT OF RANDOM PEOPLE ALWAYS POPPING IN UNINVITED. I LIKE HAVING FRIENDS OVER, BUT A LITTLE NOTICE WOULD BE NICE. ALSO, YOU HAVE COPS AND MAILMEN COMING BY TO CHILL FOR A WHILE. AREN'T THESE PEOPLE ON THE CLOCK? I THINK IT WOULD DRIVE ME CRAZY TO HAVE THAT LITTLE TROLLEY RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE, RINGING ITS LITTLE BELL CONSTANTLY. IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A TRAIN STATION. FINALLY, MR ROGERS SPENT A LOTTA TIME IN THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE? I THINK THERE'S SOME SHADY STUFF GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES. |
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| B-MOVIE MANIA |
| I WANT MY MTV...TO EXPLODE! DO YOU OLD-TIMERS REMEMBER WHEN MTV PLAYED MUSIC VIDEOS? IT'S TRUE-THEY DID. NOW, MTV PLAYS THE STUPIDEST SHOWS EVER MADE. MTV IS TRUELY A METRIC FOR THE DECAY OF SOCIETY. THE SCARY THING IS, IT'S SO POPULAR. I DON'T CARE WHICH SHALLOW JACKASS HATES HIS GAY , OCD, MINORITY ROOMMATE ON THE REAL WORLD. I DON'T CARE WHICH MORON WINS A WWF CONTRACT. I REALLY DON'T CARE WHO CARSON HANGS OUT WITH. I LEAST OF ALL CARE WHETHER THE ROAD RULES OR THE REAL WORLD CREW WINS SOME RIDICULOUS COMPETITION, INBETWEEN TRYING TO SCORE OR FISTFIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS NETWORK IS ITS DESIRE TO SHAPE YOUR OPINIONS. WHEN DID MTV GRANT ITSELF THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK, HOW TO DRESS, OR WHAT STANCE TO TAKE ON WORLD ISSUES? LUCKILY, MOST PEOPLE WHO ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO USE MTV AS A NEWS SOURCE ARE ALSO TOO STUPID TO VOTE. HOPEFULLY, THEY WILL BE TOO STUPID TO BREED. I JUST SIGH KNOWING THAT SOON, THE NEXT MTV GENERATION WILL BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY. OH WELL, I'LL JUST FLIP THE CHANNEL AND WATCH SOME MORE OF CHEF EMERIL. |
| TV ISSUES |
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