cat-quotes2

I have collected here several cute little cat quotes, haiku poems, and jokes. None of them are my own, but simply collected by me. I have illustrated some of them, and the image credits appear at the bottom of the page. Many of the quotes are from “I Purr, Therefore I Am; Never Before Collected Observations on All Things Cat” by Merrit Malloy. I've noted these quotes with IP. The rest are collected from e-mails. I hope you enjoy this page!

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. - Abraham Lincoln

Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps will wake dead.

The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey"

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. (Will Cuppy, IP)

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. (Paula Poundstone, IP)

You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt!

Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!"

I thought cats were shy. No way. They’re just ignoring us. We bore cats.

And purring is just their way of humming to themselves, “Oh, boy, LitterMan is going to feed me now.” (Neil “LitterMan” Franks, IP)

Kittens are constantly forgiven. (Douglas Wilk, IP)

Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'?

Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside!

It is impossible to find a place in which a cat can’t hide. (Bill Carraro, IP)

When dogs leap onto your bed, it’s because they adore being close to you.

When cats leap onto your bed, it’s because they adore your bed. (Alisha Everett, IP)

Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp ...

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomits hairball somewhere Will find in morning

Hello all,

As any cat knows, humans require a bit of caring for, and are at times rather trying. I've owned my human for three winters now, and I really believe he is ill. Here's the problem:

I've always been a good hunter, and there are plenty of critters around my home, so I've had no trouble in finding and catching food for my human. Now, we all know that the fresher the food is the better, so I used to bring the mice to him while they were still alive. Well, my human always took his food outside, and would always manage to let it escape before making the kill.

Now I understand that humans can't hunt like superior beings (cats, to be specific) can, but one would at least think they could manage a catch when it's dropped right at their feet. Not my human.

Well, I finally realized that I would have to kill the little suckers for my human, just so he wouldn't starve to death. This is where it really gets weird. My human, in all his clumsiness, takes the bodies to the magic water bowl (I guess to wash them before eating), and always loses them. He still hasn't figured out that the magic water bowl makes things disappear (with a frightening whoosh sound), so he keeps losing his critters before he can eat them.

Has anyone else had a human with this problem? If so, I'd like to learn if this condition is curable, or if there is something else I should be doing. Should I try to shove little chunks of food into his mouth while he's sleeping? Should I be trying a different kind of food (I've tried mice, moles, voles, rabbits, birds and snakes already)?

I'm afraid for my human, for he really should eat something. I've done everything for him... I let him sleep in my bed, I give him dignity and a sense of purpose in life by letting him let me in and out of the house (he forgets that I have a cat door), I try to intervene when he and his long-haired friends get into fights and rip each others' fur off their silly looking bodies, I try to improve the look and feel of his furniture by working it with my skilled claws, and I let him pet me. So, why can't I get him to eat? Please help.

The Origin of Pets

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer
"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted. And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved....but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them
forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Rules for Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up, or cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special KittyKomfortBed with nonallergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd .;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.

Dog sled photo from the Paul Bunyan Sled Dog Races page. Can opener and spilt milk pictures by Howard Cossman. Sailor Moon picture from Manga Style. All others from the following sources:

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