11/23/00: People grow and things change. It's funny how life evolves...sometimes it will be too fast and sometimes it will be too slow. My greastest life lesson, accepting change and being s objective as possible. I guess it's sorta like separating what is truly important to you and what should be important to you based on the social norm. I have learned so much about myself that way. For one of the first times in my life, I am understanding how to judge things based on my feelings rather than on logic. It's a powerful feeling, almost like I've touched a part of myself that I never knew existed.
12/17/00: The person I am now, I have this stong belief that I am confident, independent, and to a degree intelligent. Sometimes, I wonder if I am fooling myself. Do you project this image, or thik you project this image because you are what you believe or is that what you would hope to be? I don't want to be wasting my time being someone that I am not or fooling myself into believing it. I think it's a code of honesty that I am trying to keep. I am who I am and I don't intend on hiding that.
12/21/00: I hate how I can make snap judgments about people. It's one of my major flaws because I'm dumb enough to let it consume me. I let little things consume me, too. I think too much about stuff that shouldn't even matter to a point where I've convinced myself that it does cause of all the time I've spent dwelling on it. I'm not quite proud of this quality. This leads to caring too much about issues to a degree where it can confuse me.
1/18/01: I'd like to believe that all this thinking has a purpose, that in someway it will lead me to some enlightenment. I wonder if one day it will. Right now, sometimes I think it sounds like a bunch of bull. Well, it sounds like logical bull. Life isn't as simple as it seems to me when it comes out of my mouth. I'm not saying that I don't believe what I say cause I do, but then again, sometimes I feel like I contradict what I say. That contradiction leads to a lot of confusion and a lot more thought which evenuallly leads to depression. I should know this by now, it's a pattern I am very familiar with. Unfortunately, I am addicted to it, so the process continues, and I will continue to have my up and down moods.
3/12/01: So what can I say besides the fact that I feel like I'm a failure. I failed my MECT Exam. I met someone who got A's on both parts and plenty of other people who passed it. It's honestly not a diffiuclt exam. It's pretty passable, well sorta. I just can't seem to do it. This was a real blow to my self-esteem. It was like dominoes. One thing after another. It made me look back at my past as a child. I didn't read cause I never understoof what I was reading, therefore, I never wrote. Also, the fact that I was quiet and kept to myself didn't make the situation any better. I never really dealt with it cause it didn't seem like a big deal. Teachers have tried to work with me but I always have the same problem and I really wish I knew what it was cause my writing, my English, still doesn't feel like it's up to par with the rest of the world.
4/10/01: I do think that my greatest problem is thinking too much. Probably too much of the wrong things. I'm weird i know. I'm different, I know. Iknow i think VERY differently and as a result, there is so much in this world that just doesn't make sense to me. Does it suck? Yes. Would I change it? NO. Why? Because I like the fact that I'm strange and different.
4/11/01: One thing i really hate...the fact that there will be weeks where I wold not have much to do. Then one day BOOM! I have a few deadlines for essays, the i remember that I have an exam coming up. Then other problems pop up and things don't work out the way I plan it. Grr...when has anything worked out the way i planned. So the stress is so intense that a headache starts to develop. I know I will come out of this OK. I just can't stand the stress. I can't even think straight.
4/27/01: So these past few days have really sucked. I've been VERY sad and depressed. It felt like nothing was working out right. It felt like I was working my ass off only to FAIL! Speaking of failing, that was one work that I could not handle saying without wanting to cry. Hmm. Something happened tonight. My mind cleared up. Actually, more like the clutter got a li more organized. I don't feel as bad as I did a couple of days ago. Y? I don't know. I think it was the ducky soap opera that I saw out at the pond tonight. Watching them made me happy. Yay! Plus, hanging around a depressing person, like me, would suck; I wouldn't want to hang around me like this. I like me happy, so I'm gonna try to keep me happy :D
7/16/01: I guess my past few entries on this page are pretty depressing. As of right at this moment and the past couple of months for that matter, I have been in a state of contentment. I haven't felt this way in a VERY long time. Acutally, I don't recall feeling this way at all in my life. I'm just in a very calm, happy mood. I don't know how I reached this point in my life. Maybe it was the lack of stress. Whatever it is, I'm SOO thankful. I don't know if my depression from last semester has left me. I really hope it has, but whatever it is I am so happy to be happy with my life. THANK YOU!
10/9//01: Now that I've seriously made my choice to become a teacher, I have so much to think about. Everything that I say will have meaning. It will be interpreted by the students. Most of the time, when I talk, I don't expect people to understand me or, for that matter, bother to hear what I have to say. Though, when I start teaching, it will be totally different. I guess this has recently made me more aware of what I choose to say. I ponder the things I say more seriously then I have in the past. Its given me a lot to think about.
11/14/01: Looking at my future, I'm really scared. With every step I take, I feel like I'm walking in the dark on thin ice. I have no choice but to go over it and reach the other side but I don't know if the place I'm walking over is stable. I don't even know if I'm going in the right direction. If I fall, I'm screwed. Well, not compleltely but I can't keep making alternative plans past B that I would be happy with. Acutally, speaking of plan B, I don't really have one. I've subconsciencously did the opposite of what I wanted to do. I've put too many expectations on myself. I guess I'm trying to reach some sort of perfection. I'm not perfect, I know that...then Y do I do this to myself?
1/3/02: Haha, for once I have nothing to say :)
1/20/02: I wonder what life would be like as a goose. There would be no stress cause its brain is about the size of a *thinking* a walnut? Well, maybe not a walnut. Its small. I've been stressed, so much so that I've been breaking out. It's stupid, pointless stuff. Well, not exactly stupid or pointless. I stress myself too much on what I expect from myself. It is usually what parents are suppose to to to you, expect more from you then you really want to give, but I seem to expect more of myself, more then I can give. When I can't, or somehow fail, I'll make myself feel bad. Yeah, I know, its a bad habit to keep.
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