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 Have any of you been to the grocery store recently? Silly question, of course you have. Have you noticed that every other person there has a cellphone plastered to his/her ear? I don't claim to have highly acute hearing, but.............. I had just entered the store and started down the first aisle with a cart when a woman directly behind me yelled "You broke my favorite lamp?" I immediately stopped and raised both hands over my head. I've been accused of many things in my life, but breaking the lamp of a woman I had never seen, much less met was a new one. "I told you not to bring the ball in the house. Put your brother on. You two are in so much trouble you may never see daylight again." I lowered my hands and walked on. I had barely reached the bread aisle when I heard an anguished cry "Whadda ya mean, Cisco lost ten points today? That's six thousand dollars, fer God's sake". Rounding the aisle, I saw a man sitting on a shelf of now crushed bread and looking like he'd had a heart attack. Clutched in his hand was (of course) a cellphone. I see a woman standing in the frozen food section of the store. She has a cell phone to her ear. "So where are you, already? You were supposed to meet me here. Whatcha mean you are in the frozen food section? That's where I am." She looks down the aisle and sees a man also talking on a cell phone and says "Uh.......ok....I see you now" In the dairy section, I overhear a woman saying "Don't say anything, just listen. My husband is out of town tonight. I'll leave the back porch light on and be waiting for you in the bedroom. Tell your wife you have to go back to the office." I am now practically leaning over this woman's shoulder to hear better when she snaps her phone closed, glares at me and walks away. I am looking at cantelopes and pick one up to squeeze it when I hear "That's really gross". I immediately drop the cantelope and look guiltily over my shoulder. I feel much like a woman might feel if caught measuring a cucumber. The voice behind me goes on to say "Throwing mud at your sister is really gross". I turn to see she has a cell phone to her ear and is picking out a head of lettuce with her free hand. I am bent over a freezer looking at frozen pecan pies when I hear "Get outta here" seemingly coming from within the freezer. I hit my head on the shelf over the freezer as I jump back. "Get outta here, I don't believe you won no four hundred dollars in the poker game last night". The voice belongs to a store employee, stacking packages of marshmellows on the other side of the freezer. He has a cell phone in one hand and is stacking with the other. Does anyone doubt this business of cell phones has gotten out of hand? Any day now, I expect to see a couple walking, hand in hand and talking to one another on a cell phone. Maybe even dancing cheek to cheek while talking to each other. "You're a good dancer" one will whisper into the phone. "Thanks, so are you" the other will say tenderly into the phone. "Hey, buster. Watch those hands" the woman might suddenly tell her phone as she steps back. "Geez! Ya don't hafta yell in my ear" the man might yell into his phone as he walks back to his table and the woman walks back to her's. I wonder if cell phones are allowed in church. Can you imagine a minister beginning an invocation with "Our heavenly Father" and his cellphone rings? What does the poor man say now? "Uh.........excuse me. This might be an answer to my prayer"? A surgeon says to his assistant "Hold this retractor perfectly still now. These next few seconds are critical" and his cell phone rings. "Nurse, would you take my phone out of my back pocket and hold it to my ear, please" the surgeon says. She does as he asks and suddenly he screams "Cisco lost ten points today? My God, that's six hundred thousand dollars I just lost". He falls to the floor in a dead faint. The anesthesiologist drops the patient's face mask and whips out his own cell phone. "I've got a hundred thousand shares of Cisco" he explains to the nurse as he frantically dials his broker. The patient wakes up and blinks his eyes. "Did I hear somebody say Cisco?" he mumbles. The assistant surgeon is looking all around the operating room and yelling "Hey, I need a little help here. HEY!" Suddenly he turns pale and starts to shake. "Good Lord, he said Cisco. I mortgaged my house last week to buy Cisco. I'm ruined." He slowly backs up and sinks down onto a stool. The patient raises his head and peers groggily at his chest. "WOW! Sure a lotta blood in there" he mumbles. The nurse whips out HER cell phone and dials 911. How 'bout the telephone repair man whose cell phone rings while he and his buddy are sixty feet up a pole? "Whadda ya mean, your mother is coming to stay a week? You're putting her in OUR room? No WAY, she's sleeping in OUR room." he yells. "Hey, Jack, calm down. You're dancing all over this pole" his buddy exclaims. "I ain't sleepin' on no army cot so yer mother can sleep in MY bed" yells Jack. "Geez, Jack" his buddy says. "I ain't got my belt tied yet. Oh noooooooo" THUD!! An Arab terrorist is captured and is being interrogated by the CIA. "I tell you nothing, American dogs. No amount of torture will make me say anything about anything." Suddenly the terrorist's cell phone rings. A CIA agent takes the phone from Abdoul's pocket, holds it to his ear and hears "Abdoul, you didn't tell them about our hideout at 1351 W. Grace St. did you?" The CIA agent growls "Nah" as the Arab slumps in his chair. I stop at a convenience store for chewing gum. As the line moves forward, I notice the clerk has a cell phone to her ear as she rings up the purchases of those ahead of me. When my turn comes, she is talking into the cell phone. "Pack of gum" I tell her. "Just a minnit, sweetie" she tells the phone. "What kind of gum" she asks me. "What are my choices" I ask. "Hold on sweetie. I got a customer here being difficult" she says to the phone. Some guy at the end of the line hollers "Hey, what's the problem up there?" The woman behind me yells back "Some guy can't decide what kinda gum he wants". The clerk is talking again.....to her phone. "So, when will I see you tonight?" as she shoves two boxes of gum in front of me and motions I should choose from one or the other. "You don't have Trident?" I ask. "Call me back in five minnits, sweetie. We got a real jerk here causin' trouble." I look over my shoulder and see two men at the end of the line walking toward me with teeth bared and muscles flexing. The woman behind me has a cell phone to her mouth and is saying "That's right operator, get me the police. A fight is breaking out at the corner of 5th and Magnolia." I bolt for the door. What's that? You wonder what I'm leading up to? Well........ah......I bought a cell phone last week and I'm still trying to figure out how to use it. This morning, I called time and the recording said it was noon. Turns out I was calling Florida. I called my daughter and all I heard was "D d i at ou? er ou allin om?" I don't think I'm ready for this new century. Last week, I was trying to decide if I should upgrade from a dial to a pushbutton phone, and now I have this thing in my shirt pocket that makes me think my heart's gone crazy every time it starts vibrating. I would put in my pants pocket instead, but something tells me that would be even worse.
I wonder what they'll think of next?
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