The girls got back to their hotel rooms and began to pack up their belongings. They planned on checking out and flying home the following day. Arianna flew back home with AJ and Denise. AJ said he would pack up some of Arianna’s things and bring her to D’s in a couple days, after they had time to settle in and rest.
Dawn knew being without Arianna was going to be hard on AJ, but there was nothing she could do to make things better. She was trying to make it as easy as possible for all of them, but it was still very painful.
It hurt to see AJ, it hurt to just think bout him. It hurt to try to explain to Arianna why her daddy wasn’t going to be living with them. She knew the little girl couldn’t understand. Truth was, she didn’t understand herself.
What had happened between her and AJ in the past few months? She always thought they would be together forever. Even if she did take him back eventually, could she trust him?
"I’m no better," she whispered as she opened her drawer and started taking the clothes out. "I know I didn’t sleep with Noah, I couldn’t have."
She put her face in her hands and began to cry.
"I miss Alex so much. I wish he were here."
She took a deep breath and tried to stop crying. Her pregnancy didn’t help the fact that she was so emotional. She felt so alone, just like when she was pregnant with Arianna.
As she got to the last item in her drawer, she picked it up and stared at it. It was AJ’s blankie, the blankie he gave to her before she left to go on tour. She remembered back to the moment he gave it to her…..how happy they were, how hopeful they were for the future.
She brought the blankie to her face and lightly brushed it against her cheek. It still smelled a little like him.
"Alex," she started to cry. "Why….why did you do it?"
She sobbed uncontrollably. Her door opened and D appeared in the doorway with Nick. She noticed that Dawn was crying.
"Dawn, what’s wrong?" She asked, worried as Nick pushed her over to where Dawn was sitting.
She couldn’t answer. She couldn’t catch her breath long enough to form a complete sentence. D looked up at Nick with a concerned look. He went over to Dawn and put his arms around her. She clung to him and sobbed. He stroked her hair and rocked her back and forth.
"I’m sorry," she sniffled, pulling away from him.
"Don’t be sorry," Nick said, kneeling in front of her.
D wheeled herself over to Dawn and took her hand in hers.
"Dawn, tell us what’s wrong. Is it J?" She asked gently, already knowing the answer.
Dawn nodded and started crying again.
"I found his blankie in my drawer," she choked out.
"Oh sweetie," D soothed.
Nick looked at D and mouthed the word "blankie", giving her a questioning look. She mouthed "later" back and turned her attention back to Dawn.
"I don’t know what to say right now. I know it hurts, but you’ve got to believe that you guys will get through this. Your love is strong enough to survive, you just need a little time apart. Remember, Nick and I are here for you no matter what."
"Thank you," Dawn said gratefully, hugging her. "I miss him so much. I don’t know how I can live without him."
"Don’t think about living without him, you guys will work through this. Just give it some time."
Dawn nodded and wiped her tears away.
"So are we ready to get the hell out of here and back home?" She asked, trying to concentrate on something else.
"Damn right I am. I’ll go make sure I got all my stuff," D said, wheeling herself out the door.
"Are you going to be okay?" Nick asked, getting up.
"I think so. Thanks for being here."
He smiled at her and kissed her forehead.
"Not a problem. Anytime."
The flight home took what seemed like forever and they were all happy to be home. Noah tried to talk to Dawn on the plane but she didn’t want anything to do with him. She was confused about him and she needed time away from him. He looked hurt but she didn’t care. This was what she needed and, if he cared about her, he would have to understand. She didn’t even say goodbye to him at the airport. She felt bad after all he had done for her, but she had to deal with things her way.
Nick stayed with D and Dawn to make sure they were settled and to be there if they needed anything. Dawn spent the next couple of days in her room. She came out for meals but that was all. She didn’t talk to D or Nick about AJ or anything else……she was very quiet and reserved. It was worrying them because it was a drastic change from her normal self. They knew that she needed time to think, but in her condition they were worried that the stress would be harmful for her and the baby.
After a few days, AJ brought Arianna over. His arms were filled with some of her toys, stuffed animals and clothes. When Nick opened the door, Arianna bolted through the door, leaving AJ there to juggle her belongings.
"Hey man," AJ greeted him.
"Hey. Here, let me take something"
He took some bags and let AJ in. Dawn wheeled herself in the kitchen to greet them.
"Hi Mommy!" Arianna jumped into her lap.
"Arianna!" AJ raised his voice. "What did I tell you about being gentle with Mommy?"
The little girl looked up at her, "I sowwy, Mommy."
"It’s okay, sweetheart."
Dawn looked up at AJ and smiled. She knew he was just trying to be cautious. When she looked at him she could see the pain in his eyes andSit almost made her cry. She had to turn away.
"Do you want to go put your stuff away?" she asked Arianna.
"Yeah!" She exclaimed.
"Umm, I’m gonna get going," AJ said sadly.
Dawn looked at him, surprised.
"Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a little while?"
"No, that’s okay. I have things I gotta do," he lied.
The truth was, he was just going to go home and sit there, by himself, all alone. He just couldn’t bear to see Dawn right now, he wanted to hold her and tell her that he loved her, but he couldn’t. She didn’t want to hear it.
"But, before I go, Arianna’s bear is in her bag with her dolly, her book that I read to her every night before she goes to bed is in her suitcase, her clips are in a baggie in her little bookbag that she has, and she has a little bit of a stuffy nose, so I’ve been giving her decongestant and that’s right here."
He handed it to Dawn.
"Thanks," she gave him a weak smile as she took it from him.
Their fingertips lightly grazed each other’s when he handed her the bottle. Neither of them wanted that moment to end.
"Come here, jellybean," AJ said, kneeling down and pulling Arianna to him.
He softly stroked her hair.
"You be a good girl for Mommy, okay?"
"You go bye-bye?" The little girl asked sadly.
"Yeah, I have to go bye-bye, but I’ll be back soon, okay?"
"You no leave, Daddy," she wrapped her arms around his neck and began to cry. It brought tears to his eyes.
He knew this was going to be hard, but it was breaking his heart. He glanced over at Dawn who was trying not to cry herself. She turned away. As much as he tried to hold it back, a single teardrop slowly slid down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away so as not to let Arianna see it.
"Hey, Ari. Why don’t you come with Auntie D. I’ll show you your room and we’ll start putting your stuff away."
"No, I want Daddy!"
The little girl clung to him. They all looked at each other not knowing what to say or do. AJ was holding her as tightly as she was clutching onto him. AJ looked his daughter in the eye.
"Jellybean, remember you and Daddy talked about this? You’re going to stay with Mommy for awhile. She wants to spend time with you and love you and squeeze you…..just like Daddy does."
Dawn just sat watching AJ with his daughter. She didn’t know what to say. She felt like she was ripping her daughter away from her father and it was breaking her heart. It was obvious how close they were, how close they had become in the time she had been gone. She wished there was away to spare everyone all this pain.
"You come back, Daddy?" Arianna asked pulling away from him.
"Cross my heart," he whispered, as he made an ‘x’ over his heart with his finger.
The little girl still frowned, not wanting to let go of him.
"Pinkie swear," he said to her, offering his pinkie finger.
She smiled at him, held out her little pinkie and linked it with his.
"Now, go ahead and go with Auntie D and Mommy," he nudged her.
"Okay," she slowly walked towards them and crawled into her mother’s lap.
"I love you, jellybean," he choked out.
"I wuv you, too, Daddy," she
beamed at him as she followed everyone down the hallway.
AJ tried to compose himself as he headed for the door. Nick walked with him.
"That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do."
"I know, man. Everything will be okay, though."
He stopped and looked at Nick.
"Will it? I mean, really, no one knows. For all we know, things could be like this forever! I made a stupid mistake almost three years ago and because of it I’ve lost my family and everything that’s ever meant anything to me! I’m not even gonna get to see my new baby grow, hear it’s heartbeat, rub Dawn’s stomach, see it on that TV screen…"
He ran his hands over his face, trying his best not to start crying again, at least not in front of Nick.
Nick just stood there, he didn’t know what to say. There was nothing that he could say that would make this any better. All he could do was listen.
"I’m sorry man," AJ said as he composed himself and headed for the door again.
"It’s alright," he put his hand on AJ’s back. "I’m just sorry that I can’t really do anything," Nick offered.
"There is something you can do for me. Tell Dawn that I’m sorry, that I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her, no one else. Please Nick, you’ve gotta help me, I’m miserable without her."
"I’ll tell her. If it makes you feel any better, I know she still loves you, AJ."
"I hope so, because I’m not giving up on us."
"Good, don’t. Everything will work out."
AJ sighed as he stood at the front door.
"Oh, and tell Dawn that I’m gonna give her a few days with Arianna before I come over again. I want Ari to settle in and get used to me not being around all the time. It hurts, but I know that’s the best way to do it. Tell her I’ll call and let her know when I’m coming over."
He walked out the door, then turned back towards Nick again.
"Oh, Nick?"
"Yeah?"
He peeked his head out right before he was about to close the door.
"Take care of my girls," he smiled.
"I will," Nick smiled back and closed the door.
AJ got in his car, laid his head on the steering wheel and cried.
Chapter 42
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