AJ sat on the edge of his bed, clutching his pillow in front of him. He hugged it tightly, as if it was the one thing he wished it to be. Cassidy.
He couldn’t believe she was gone.
He had something wonderful, something true, and he let it slip right through his fingers. He loosened his grip on the pillow to open up his pack of cigarettes. He noticed money hiding in the back.
“What the hell..” Then he remembered, Cassidy trying to give him money for lunch in the restaurant when they first met. He smiled as he shook his head. “She’s so stubborn,” he said quietly.
As he sat there, all he could think about was Cassidy. Everything that had happened between them in just the few short days that they had known each other was overwhelming. What was he going to do now? He was all alone, he had no one.
He had met the person he’d been looking for his whole life, only to have her walk out on him. Not that he didn’t deserve it for what he did. He knew he messed up, he knew he hurt her, but, she walked out on him nontheless. Didn’t even want to try to work through it. She completely pushed him out of her life, slammed the door right in his face.
“God, I love you so much, Cass,” he whispered as he ran the corner of the pillow between his fingers. He glanced over to the spot she had been standing just a little while earlier and felt a teardrop slowly slide down his cheek. He quickly brushed it away.
“Knock it off, McLean,” he cursed himself, rising from the bed. “Get yourself together. Go do something.”
He turned his attention to his closet, looking for something to wear. He finally settled on a pair of khaki pants and button down shirt. He threw the clothes on the bed and stripped down to his boxer shorts. He headed to the bathroom to take a shower, letting his dogs in the backyard before doing so.
As he stood in the shower, he let the sream of water beat down on his face. He tried to clear his head. He was so confused. He felt terrible, and he couldn’t even talk to Cassidy about it now, she probably never wanted to see or talk to him again. He stayed in the shower for a long while wishing his problems would just disappear down the drain. When he got out, he wrapped a towel around his waist and slowly walked to his bedroom.
He looked in every room as he passed it. He wasn’t really sure what he was looking for. Oh hell, who was he trying to fool, he knew what he was looking for. Cassidy. Of course, he knew she wouldn’t be there, but he couldn’t help but hope..wish. Maybe she left something behind and would have to come back. Maybe she would change her mind and want to be with him and work things out.
He finally reached his empty bedroom and his eyes slowly scanned every inch of the room. Nothing. He couldn’t find a thing that she would have to come back for.
She didn’t leave anything.
Nothing that he could hold when he was lonely, nothing that he could rub against his cheek that smelled like her, nothing that he could talk to at night when he was lonely..absolutely nothing. There was, thanks to his little stunt in the pool, possibly one thing that would link them together for the rest of their lives.
He sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed, lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag, hoping it would relax him.
‘What if she IS pregnant?’ He thought to himself. ‘I’m not ready to be a father. Hell, I’m not even ready to be an adult,’ he slightly chuckled at his realization.
He thought about his own very limited encounters with kids. He really didn’t have any at all. He had been around adults most of his life, even when he, himself, was supposed to be being a kid.
“I don’t know the first thing about kids,” he said aloud. “Maybe Cassidy is better off without me.”
The instant he said it, he knew he didn’t mean it. Hell, it didn’t even sound right. He had never heard anything so assanine come out of his mouth in his whole life.
His train of thought was interrupted when he thought he heard someone at the door. He shook it off as his imagination. He was hoping too hard. A minute later, he heard it again. He knew he didn’t imagine that one. He jumped off the bed and headed towards the door.
“Cassidy?” He called across the house, picking his pace up to a jog. “Cass? Is that you?”
He found himself sprinting across the house.
“Don’t leave again, Cass. I’m coming!”
He ran as fast as his legs would take him.
“I knew you’d come back!” He said excitedly, smiling from ear to ear. He finally reached the door and swung it open.
“Cas..” He stopped as he saw nothing in front of him.
He looked down only to find what was making the noise at his door. His dogs. They licked his feet as he stood there. His disappointment was so overwhelming, he swore he could hear his heart breaking all over again. He let the dogs in and slammed the door, upset with himself for getting his hopes up.
“You’re so stupid, McLean,” he said to himself. “Everyone else knows that, when are you gonna fuckin’ realize it? She’s not coming back!!”
He slowly walked back to his room, all the time trying to figure out what he had to look forward to when he got there.
“Cassidy’s too good for you, anyway. She’s a lawyer for Christ’s sake. What does she want with some stupid musician who went to high school in a fucking hotel room and hasn't done anything since??”
He sat down once again on the bed, trying everything he could to clear his head and stop thinking about her.
“I’m not sitting around here all night feeling sorry for myself,” he growled, getting up and grabbing his clothes. “I’m gettin’ the hell out of here. I don’t need this shit. Just because Cassidy doesn’t want me doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t.”
He got dressed, his shirt unbuttoned, exposing the white wifebeather he had on underneath. He grabbed a tan baseball hat, threw it on his head backwards and put on his glasses. Just before walking out of the room, he stopped to look at his reflection in the mirror.
“You don’t need her, AJ. There are plenty of women that want you. It shouldn’t be too hard to find at least ONE of them tonight.”
He picked up his wallet and keys from the dresser and walked out the door.
Cassidy sat looking out the window of the limo sobbing. She couldn’t help herself, the past few days had been an emotional roller coaster. She didn’t want to leave Alex, but she realized that she had to. That was the only way she could think straight.
They both needed to be by themselves for awhile. They both had issues they had to work through on their own. As much as she wanted to help him through everything he was going through, she knew she couldn’t. She, herself, had been suddenly thrust into a world of confusion and pain all over again.
If they were meant to be together, then it would happen..when the time was right. They were no good to each other right now. They would only be dumping their problems on each other, trying to mask their problems and hope that the other person could fix it, even though that would be impossible.
She had to think about what she was going to do. AJ just didn’t seem to understand. Maybe that was her fault, maybe she should have told him what happened between her and Kyle’s father. The truth was, she didn’t like to talk about it. It still hurt. Not because she still loved him, but because it broke her heart to look at her little boy and try to explain to him why he didn’t have a daddy. He was just now getting to the age where he was starting to ask, yet he still didn’t understand, no matter how easy she tried to make it for him.
She and Tim had been together for 3 years, even planned on getting married. Tim had always told her that they would never be able to have children, something he said he had found out in a previous relationship. While this was hard to deal with at first, Cassidy loved him and figured there were a lot of children that needed good homes, they could always adopt.
When she found out that she was pregnant, it put a huge strain on their relationship. Cassidy was ecstatic, Tim, on the other hand, was not. He accused her of sleeping around, which she most definitely did not do. At first, they tried to work through it. Tim swore to her that he wouldn’t leave her..he loved her.
Within a couple months, he was gone.
All of this happening soon after her parent’s death. It almost caused her to have a nervous breakdown. She didn’t care about anything or anyone, not even her baby. Had it not been for her sister being there for her and pulling her out of her depression, she’s not sure what would have happened. She couldn’t go through that again, she couldn’t ask Alissa to do it again, either. She had to make the best life possible for Kyle, and she had come to terms with the fact that she would have to do it on her own.
She desperately wanted to talk to Alex about things, explain to him what happened in her past, maybe then he would understand her. Understand why she was so sensitive about certain things, understand why she was so afraid to love him.
She had such a hard time trusting him, trusting anyone, she just thought it would be better for her to leave. What kind of relationship could they have if she didn’t trust him? What happened in the pool still boggled her mind. She still couldn’t figure out what made him not hear her.
She could see a lot in Alex that she saw in Tim when he left her. Even though the circumstances were different, it would have the same outcome, and she couldn’t go through that again, she just couldn’t. She couldn’t explain to yet ANOTHER child why his or her Daddy left them. If she made the final decision to leave, as she had, never telling him the truth, she wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving her. It was on HER terms this time. HER decision. She knew it was for the best.
“Jim? Can I use the phone? I want to call the airport and see if there is a flight I can catch tonight.”
“Sure, no problem,” he smiled at her.
She dialed the airport and finally reached someone at the ticket counter.
“I’d like to know if there are any flights going to Indiana tonight?” She asked. “I missed my flight earlier and would like to see if I can get a flight as soon as possible.”
“Hold on a moment, let me check for you.” The voice on the other end said as she typed the information into the computer.
“No, I’m sorry Ma’am, there’s not. The first available flight to Indiana is tomorrow morning.”
Cassidy sighed. Nothing was going right for her lately. All she wanted to do is get out of this damned town, as far away from AJ as possible.
“Nothing?” She inquired.
“No, I’m sorry.”
“Okay then, can you put me on that flight tomorrow morning?”
“Sure we can. I just need your name.”
“Cassidy James. PLEASE make sure I’m booked on that flight. It’s important that I get back home.”
She finished giving her information then hung up the phone. She started crying again. Jim noticed and pondered weather he should ask anything about it.
“Jim, can you please take me to a hotel? Any hotel is fine. I don’t care where at this point. Just as long as it’s not anywhere near Alex’s house.”
“Not a problem,” he paused. “Miss Cassidy, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you okay?”
“I’ll be okay, as soon as I get out of this city.”
Jim pulled into a nearby hotel then Cassidy got out. She waited for her bags, then tuned to give Jim a hug.
“Thank you so much for everything, Jim. You didn’t have to do this, it was very sweet of you, though. It was great meeting you.”
“It was my pleasure, Miss Cassidy.”
She picked up her bags and turned to walk away.
“Oh, and Jim?” She said, turning back to face him.
“Yes?”
“Please don’t tell Alex where I’m staying.”
He gave her a weak smile, “I won’t.”
“Promise me, please.”
“I promise,” he crossed his heart.
She smiled at him then walked in the hotel.


Chapter 21
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