LogBook

K.shiro's LogBook

May 6 2001: Today was great. I finally got a chance to milk a cow with my own two hands... It was pretty cool and squishy feeling. At first I was so scared and I think I squeezed the utters too hard. Poor
thing. It started mooing really loud and moving around like it hurts... man, I'd hate to have someone squeeze my utters hard... But ya, after that, I was able to make milk squirt out, which was pretty neat and fun. So that was the highlight of my day. Then after that, I went shopping with my friend and just splurged on bags I didn't need. Oh ya, and Mothers day is comming up soon, so I bought a nice card for my mom. Hope she likes it. <owari>

May 7 2001: Came sooo very close to touching my tongue to my ear. sooo close. oh well.. I guess I need more practice. he he. Well, today was a drag, school, and study for my exams on wednesday. Nothing new I guess except for my new printer. That kick *ss. he he. Can't wait to try it out. So ya, I gotta find a program to work my pictures with. I have so many, pics and no way of sorting em out. sigh oh well. Prom this saturday! gotta finish hemming my dress. then i'm all set and ready to Paaaaaattyyyyyy!!!!! Hell ya baby! he he. Well, gotta keep my cool until then.... :op I'll let you know how it goes! <owari>

May 10 2001: Yo man, finally finished with finals and school!!! No more cramming for tests!!! Can you tell i'm happy? ha ha. Saw this dude that was dressed up as a woman. Crazy man, this kinda tall guy walkng around in a dress and sandals. Almost passed as a woman too except his shoulders are too broad. eh oh well. This saturday is prom!! yay can't wait to dress up! Hope it's not too hectic. Know it's going to be anyway. Oh well. Man, i'm like sooo in a partying mood. Feel like just getting up and dancing. ha ha. Prob will later. Or friday. Winston's parents are going to be gone for the weekend. whoo hoo!! Paaaatyyy!! Break out the good stuff baby!! ha ha. Ok i'm gonna go now. <owari>

May 13 2001: Hello, prom was yesterday. Was fun. ok, I gotta start from friday. Got off phone with greg, friends come pick me up, go to winston's house. pick up grubs, go back to house. chow down, then break out the hards and jello shots. sing karaoke, play some music. then drop yeon off at home, get lost while trying to visit david, then finally getting back to winston's. then catch up, and watch winston rave little bit, be sick in the kitchen sink, then talk to yubin the whole morning while everyone went home. Then go home and sleep for 3 or 4 hours, go get my hair done, get greg's lei, go home, call greg, get dressed, put on make up, then greg came. go out to meet him, exchange flowers and lei, then leave. go visit his speedhawaii crew at sand island, then go find the hotel. check in, get seated, then take pictures. come back to eat. ok, one of greg's friends was sitting at our table and i think his father either owns the hotel or is manager. i asked greg what the third glass was for and he said he didn't know. then later a waitress came and poured us some sparkling apple cider. that was soo cool. so ya, we got a little more extra treatment ^_^ dance dance, take some breaks, got soda and water, go around talking to peeps, dance some more. greg spilled his cup of sprite on his dish and some of it dropped on my dress so i had to rince it off. not too bad though, couldn't tell. then dance the last two slow songs. then we packed up. i got the center piece yay! then we got our glasses and went down. asked greg if we could like walk somewhere for a little bit, just something small and romatic together but he was tired and desperately wanted to go home. :o( so we went home and well, i slept. he went back out with his friends. oh well. his prom, he chooses who he wants to be with. (i'll just remember that)
<owari>

May 18 2001: Hi, today i am officially single again after 1year and 9 months. The love of my life decided he couldn't be with me anymore. It hurts like fuck to say "i love you" from the bottom of your heart and not get the same back. I fucked up, too much, too late. I regret everything. I gave up too much of myself willingly and got crushed when I wasn't getting back the same. And then ended up asking for too much, and never got myself back. So much could have been prevented. So much hurt could have been saved. I loved him through everything, from the very begining and through all the hurt he gave me, and to the very end... when I cried on my keyboard, heart broken, and in total denial. I feel so empty and so tired. so drained from sacrificing so much of myself to make him happy. when it wasn't making him happy at all... I was all wrong. I was in contradiction with myself. I thought that the more i gave of myself, the more he would be satisfied and happy. When only he wanted me to do things for myself and to make myself happy. I was confused for i wanted to please him best i could and was willing to give my life if need be. When i could have gained myself back, and him. I could have gotten both back, but i was blind and stupid. Now i'm left with emptyness, dried tears, and a broken heart. emptyness.... a void that surrounds my mind and drains my heart. I guess i just wasn't smart enough. I guess i wasn't deserving enough. I thought that love would be enough. I guess not. It hurts. I want to die. In the past, when i wanted to go, the thought of him and our love was the only thing that kept me going. For i couldn't stand the thought of not being with him or w/o our love. It was what i lived for. Now in an instant, it's gone. and i'm left with nothing. the very thing that supported me through the most hardest times is gone... Like elenor, forever nevermore... how ironic. for we used to say "i love you forever, and ever, and evermore, for always" so what do i have to live for now? nothing. i don't want no other love. he was my world, my sweet darling, my sunshine, my cupcake. all gone. too much. i don't know how long i will last. i just want him back. and to love me again.. or maybe to just leave so i don't have to feel the pain no more. i won't have to feel anything. nothing bad will ever happen again. and he won't ever have to see me and i won't ever have to see him again. i just won't exist. as long as he doesn't care. it won't matter to me. i love greg. until i die. whenever that is. always my darling love. always my baby. <gone>

May 26 2001 1:05am: Just got home from watching Pearl Harbor with julie and jean. It would have been a good movie except for the fact that we sat in the second row in the front and i could barely make out the pictures. 3 hours with a cramped neck getting motion sickness... It was a good movie, the love story changed the movie somewhat from what i expected... It complimented what was going on, and kept the audience going in the 3hour movie.. but it also distracted and proved real of the reality of the war. The love story made many cry, but I cried for the people who died with honor and pain, those who were helpless, and who suffered seeing the cruel unjustifyable Reality of war.. I cried for our people and for people of my heritage.. It tore my soul to see the uncompromisable "humanity" on both sides. I think back now on the trip to Hiroshima, how devastating it was, how more real it became in my heart. How I could have lived during Pearl Harbor or Hiroshima, or how it could happen now... I cry in my heart and in my eyes. Just to imagine the pain... Pain that we all have forgotten. But not for all... This movie has made me think more on what I am a part of... cause I know that I was raised in U.S. thinking and such, but I treasure the fact that I was born in Japan. Ever since I went back to Japan for the first time since I was a baby, something inside me awoken. A sense of true heritage, culture, background, etc.. Things that made me proud and to build myself on. Like a tiny mirror that hints to who you are and where you came from.. It is that which I feel in my heart and I crave. So you can also see my confusion and sadness on this movie.. Survival of the fittest.. War doesn't care who you are, just as long as you don't be the last man standing.

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