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I made a conscious decision which many will scoff at, (most already have). I am giving up. There will no longer be a happy me, there will no longer be the sweet, kind or even the suave me... I will no longer seek to find what I feel is not there. I have lost my will to go on trying. I hope this does not mean that I can not teach, but ultimately I hurt to much to care. This has become a snowball affect, starting with one singular notion. I no longer have a reason to be me. I no longer have a reason to be anything better than me and so I no longer have a reason to be anything but another average person. One who will hate everything about his life and do nothing to better it. I only wanted a family of my own, I suppose that just wasn't going to happen. I was supposed to buy a nice house and acquire a pool. I was going to be a great dad, probably one of the best ever, but it does not look like it will come to pass. So I am quitting, it's something I've never really done before, (aside from jobs). I am scared to see what happens and even more scared to see what doesn't happen. I will not settle and so it is stubbornness that has done me in, (how did I know that it would be my undoing?). I will not take anything less than exactly what my heart desires and damn anyone who would suggest such a thing! I will take nothing, if I can not have everything. I will forever be indebted to you all. Thank you for all that you have done to make me the person I was going to be. I am sorry for whatever loss you incur as a result of my cowardice. The truth is, that I will miss me most of all.
Love,
Chad |
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The truth is that after a lot of time, a semi-short whoring phase followed by a semi-short celibacy phase I again found love and a new hope for the future. I'm pretty sure now, that after talking to others about their experiences, that this happens to everyone who gets out of a long relationship at some point.
I am happy now and have been for some time. I had some doubts when I first began to court my new idol of admiration, but it all seems to have worked out just fine. I'm sure this does not completely exempt me from being on here in the future updating this post, but ultimately I am happy.
I haven't been more of myself in years. I am allowed to act and behave as I would of before I was asked to change. I can run down the street at three a.m. screaming half naked and not fear reprecutions within my relationship. It's good to be me. I forgot what a pain in the ass I am. I forgot what anabsolute wierdo I can be, I forgot a lot of things about me and I'm happy I now remember.
Love,
Chad |
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