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On any given night, you can find Jimmy and me seated about five feet from other, working on our computers. At some point during the evening he'll call out to me above the radio and relate an unspeakably bad joke sent to him via email by someone in some unclaimed corner of the earth. I have to sit and listen to those jokes and now you can avail yourself of Jimmy's particular brand of humor, too. |
| Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" The other says, "No, I lost an electron!" The first asks, "Are you sure?" |
| The other replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!" |
| ...when you divide the circumference of your Jack-O-Lantern by its diameter? |
| Pumpkin pi. |
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A U.S. Marshall rides into town, goes into the saloon and asks the bartender whether he's
seen the Paper Bag Kid recently. "I don't know," replies the bartender. "What's he look like?" "He isn't hard to spot," says the marshall. "His hat is made out of paper bags, so are his shirt and vest. Even his pants and boots are made from paper bags." "Well, I reckon I'd have noticed him," the bartender tells him, "but he ain't been by that I know of. What's he wanted for, anyway?" The marshall answers, "Rustling!" |
| A guy walks into a bar. He is obviously drunk
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink
and that he could not be served additional liquor. Instead, the bartender
offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs,
grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks angrily at the bartender for a moment, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes after that, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police, immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and, in hopeless anguish, cries, "Man! How many bars do you work in?" |
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A woman is riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of
the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open
the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps
onto the other horse. Just before he rides off, the woman yells out, "What was all that about?" The man replies, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through." |
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
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Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner,
pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at
Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner,
shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence your client." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night. If you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found, "Panda: black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves." |
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Snow White's photos weren't ready when she went to pick them up. The developer
apologized and assured her they would be in next Sunday. Snow returned to her cottage
and told the dwarfs that the pictures weren't ready yet. "Gee, Snow, that's too bad," said Doc. "I hope you're not too disappointed." "Oh, it's alright," Snow replied. "Sunday my prints will come." |
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with
the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that Andy had learned his lesson
and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy
was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported
back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked if Andy would be willing to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place." |
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A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came lazy Steve.
The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring lazy Steve!" So he decided to set a test
for Steve hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse
him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Steve says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the heck is that?" Steve says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree make nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Steve stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Steve answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree -- dat's 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire lazy Steve so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Steve stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100." The boss looks at Steve's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." He then tells Steve, "Go on Steve, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred." Steve leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and poops by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?" |
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