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Satan's Xes |
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Satan's Xes were ugly, skanky hoes. Maybe he dated some decent girls and women we don't know about, but the ones we do weren't worth getting with anyway. They lost their virginity in high school around age 15, and one of them got pregnant at 16. Rumor has it another guy was the dad. The parents paid for their apartment so they married, but they eventually divorced. Tori was 19 when she lost her virginity, and her dad would've kicked her ass had she come home knocked up. Afterall, he taught her about condoms and her mom offered to put her on the birth control pill. |
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Blond: Stacy was a plain Jane who had no flair, but she tried her best to look sexy. She ditched her best friend from 6th grade when she made the cheerleading squad. Her friend was crushed, but she later made way cooler friends, so it's all good. Stacy lost her virginity to Satan when she was 15.
Brunette: Melissa was another ugly cheerleader ho! She thought she was so cute and perfect and went to the tanning bed too much. By age 21, she had visible crows feet and looked like a burnt Mexican. This classy, adorable pic was taken of her months after she got dolled up for the wedding, where she was hoping to find her second husband. She couldn't afford the burnt look year-round, obviously. |
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Stacy was a year younger than Satan, and they dated for a long time. After they broke up, Stacy told everyone Satan was an asshole. Yet at his high school graduation, she was right back, hanging all over him and lord knows what else! She didn't want schoolmates' older friends to date Satan, so she had to smear his name while she waited for him to come back. She gave Tori dirty, evil looks all throughout high school and years later even though Tori and Satan never dated. When Tori was 8 months pregnant with Van's child at age 24, Stacy shot her evil stares. Yeah, I guess it hurt Tori was still sexier, even though she was huge.
Another chick that Satan dated was named Melissa. He actually dated Melissa and Stacy at the same time (no one knows if they both knew it, but Tori did because he told her when she asked him out the first time). Melissa got pregnant by another guy that year. Their parents paid for their apartment so they could get married and move in together. Melissa was at the same wedding, and she was vying for the bride's bouquet at age 21. Obviously, that marriage didn't last, unlike Tori's marriage. |
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Unlike Stacy and Melissa, Tori was happy and calm about her place in life. She wasn't insecure in the least at the wedding and had a blast dancing with her husband's friends (one was technically Mariah's date when she was in the womb). Tori also looked good when she wore less clothing. Stacy and Melissa looked like desperate skanks. They probably were never able to move on after Satan. And Tori got over him not wanting her phone number by the end of the week. ;) Then again, if Stacy and Melissa ever had a real man in their lives, it wouldn't have taken much, either! |
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