Title: Watching you sleep
Author: Adalisa
Email: [email protected]

Feedback: Without feedback, there would be no reason to keep writing.
Distribution: Mama Chelle's site, XanderSlash's site and my site. Anywhere else, just ask. I won't say no.
Web site: http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/

Summary: Angel thinks of the last 200 years of his life
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Xander, Angel, and everybody else here is property of Joss Wheldon, Warner Bros. And another bunch of people. But they keep treating them bad, so I play with them.

Content X/A.

Spoilers: Becoming pt. II (As if no one knew what happens then), Graduation pt. II, some vague references to Season 4.

Notes: My answer to the 200 challenge. I hope you all like it! It's unbetaed, so all mistakes are completely mine.

Angel returned to his apartment, after a hard night's job. It was one of his bad nights, the ones when he wished that his enemy managed to kill him, to send him to hell and thus freed the one he loved.

200 years had gone by since the curse that held his soul had been cheated. Nothing much had changed in his life since then. He still helped whenever he could, he still worked in the side of the good guys. And every day, he returned to the sleeping form on his bed, the one that had made everything possible through a huge sacrifice.

It had been exactly 200 years ago when his eyes were finally open to true love... the day he awoke to see that even when now his soul was anchored to his body, even when he would not suffer any consequence for having a moment of true happiness, he would never be truly happy again.

All because of the one who slept peacefully at his side.

He remembered that day better than any other in his life. The months that had gone before that day were almost as fresh in his mind, even after the 200 years that had passed since then.

Starting with the day after Graduation day.

"You cannot go." Xander told him, firmly. The teenager was standing in the middle of the Mansion's hall.

"Xander... I have to." Angel had answered, not really knowing why Xander was there. He had said his good-bye to Buffy, expected her to pass it on to the rest. And more so, he had supposed that Xander would make a party. After all, the teenager hated him.

"No." Xander shook his head. "You're only hurting yourself and Buffy by going again. So what if you can't be together as lovers? You still can be friends. This is the Hellmouth, you won't find more demons anywhere else. If you really want to help, you should stay here!"

"Xander, why are you doing this?" The vampire asked, truly confused. "You hate me."

Later, he would curse himself for not noticing the look of hurt on Xander's eyes. But it was such a brief moment that he could have imagined it. "Maybe. But you saved my life a couple of times. So I'm not going to let you go trough another masochist stage."

They had argued a lot that night, and for each argument Angel had, Xander had an answer. It was as if he had rehearsed it completely, and finally the vampire had promised to stay.

Much later, he had come to both regret and be thankful for that.

Months had passed by fairly quickly after that. Xander had gone to his road trip, only to return two months earlier, and the first stop he had made had been the Mansion, to check that Angel was keeping his word. When the vampire had learned that the teenager, a boy who now he considered his friend, hadn't got into any college, he had insisted to help him study for his exams, and give him a place to live so he wouldn't have to pay rent to his parents.

Angel had felt relieved when Xander accepted.

Lost in his memories, Angel pulled out an aged piece of paper. 200 years had passed since he had first read the words, and he had read them so many times that now he knew them by heart.

And in every anniversary of that day, he read them out loud to his sleeping beloved. Hoping that he would wake up, but knowing that that would not happen.

"We found a spell to bind your soul forever." Xander was smiling, but Angel couldn't help but see that his friend was trying to suppress a yawn.

"What?" The vampire was surprised, almost shocked. He hadn't thought of the happiness clause in months, around the time when Xander had moved. He hadn't thought much about Buffy either, and she seemed to have found someone else too.

"A spell. Willow and I." Xander walked to the table, where all his books were open. "We wanted to surprise you. For your birthday."

That was another surprise for Angel. His birthday was recorded somewhere, he knew that... but it was the first time that someone had thought of giving him a present. "I... don't know what to say..." He answered, remembering the months when he had been Angelus, the many times he had threatened Xander, Willow and everyone. "Why?"

"Because that's something you do for friends." Xander yawned, sitting down. "I... have to study... Can we talk tomorrow?"

"I..." Angel stammered once again, wondering when had become so hard to speak up his feelings to Xander. "Thanks, Xander... It means a lot to me."

"Thank Willow." Xander looked up from his books, watching Angel with a very strange look, one the vampire had never seen on the teenage face. Almost as if he was trying to memorize the moment. "She made the spell... I just watched."

Angel nodded, fighting the very inappropriate desire to kiss his friend, and left him to study. At the door, however, he turned around just in time to see him trying to keep his eyes open, and smiled. Maybe that was the answer to why he felt so different about Xander. The warm sensation on his chest every time he saw the teenager smile.

That night, while he helped Buffy patrol and carefully avoided any commando-type looking people, Angel thought a lot about that feeling. Thinking deeply about it, it was not a new feeling. It was very similar to what he had felt for Buffy, only more intense. It was love. And if Willow was right, if the curse now was permanent... He could do something about it.

He could tell Xander about his feelings. He could loose the boy's friendship, or maybe get something more. Now he had a chance to hope. It was the best birthday gift he could ever imagine.

He returned near dawn, to see that Xander had fallen asleep on top of his books. Smiling, Angel lifted him up, and took him to his own room, not even noticing when the teenager didn't move. Thought that maybe he had exhausted himself.

But when the whole day passed and Xander hadn't waken, Angel began to worry. He tired to move him, talked to him, even throw some water on him, with no results. Xander just kept sleeping, peacefully.

Then Angel decided to call Giles.

But the Watcher was not much help, until a very shaken Willow came along.

"I'm sorry, Angel... but he will not wake up." She had said, avoiding looking at the room where her friend was sleeping. "It was part of the spell."

"What spell?" Giles and Buffy asked at the same time, looking at the wicca.

"It was Xander the one who found it... A spell to keep Angel's soul anchored to him." Willow explained, trying to sound calm. "But it required a human sacrifice... Someone willing to be a... a kind of living Thesulah."

"What do you mean, a living Thesulah?" Buffy was enraged, looking at Willow like if she didn't know her best friend. "And why Xander is sleeping?"

"A living soul that could keep Angel's soul and strength, no matter what happened. A human being who accepted to be that anchor." Willow continued, and this time a tear glistered in her eyes. "But since that... magic... requires that the mortal lives as long as the vampire... to preserve the body forever... he has to sleep. Never to wake up, and die when the vampire dies..."

Everybody had fell silent after that. Angel couldn't even breathe, as the wheels of his mind turned around. Never to see Xander's brown eyes again, the teenager open smile...

"You have to undo this." He finally said, his voice beginning to tremble.

"I can't." Willow admitted, shaking. "The spell is irreversible. Xander knew that... It was his choice!" With a sob, she left the mansion, followed closely by Buffy. Giles only stayed enough to mutter that they would find a solution.

Alone, Angel walked again to the table where Xander had been studying for a test he knew he was not going to take.

There, he found the letter.

"Dead boy," It read. "If you're reading this, I must be already asleep. As it is, I can barely keep my eyes open. But I'll finish this... I'm sorry I didn't told you when you were here, but I was afraid that you wouldn't understand, and try to keep me awake. Of course, that didn't happen, and now I'm alone and I better finish this off because if I go to sleep without writing it, I'll never forgive myself. If you are wondering why I did this, Dead boy, it's very simple. I got tired of seeing you suffer. Don't deny it, I've seen you with this weird look on your eyes that says that you want something and you can't have it, the look that tells me that you still love Buffy, even if she's with someone else. Well, now you can fight for her, right? It's only right. I sent you to hell, I had to make it up for you. So now you can have true pure happiness and not fear. I know the spell will hold your soul, no matter what... Because I would never let it go. And that's the other reason why I was afraid to talk to you. I love you, Angel. I loved you long before I realized I did, when Buffy told us you were gone. I blamed myself for it, and then, I learned to live with it. That's the other reason I decided to do this, you know? Because I know you don't love me... and this was my selfish way to be forever around you... I wish I could write more, but my eyelids are way too heavy. And if I stay awake longer, the spell will backfire, and we don't want that, right? So please, don't hate me. Just go to Buffy, and be happy forever, ok?. Love. Xander."

The last lines were very blurry, as if Xander had fought to stay awake for each letter. And Angel cried all night, wondering why it had took him so long to decipher his own feelings, knowing that if he had, maybe Xander would still be awake at his side.

Years had gone by in a steady routine.

Angel kept care of Xander, although the boy didn't need anything. Very soon he realized that even if Xander was asleep, he still turned and tossed, especially on nights when Angel was in danger, so the vampire got the habit of sleeping in the same bed where Xander lay, embracing him. The movement in the teenager body at first made him think that maybe, just maybe, he would woke up, but that was a futile hope that soon was dashed.

Buffy and Riley married, and that night, Angel placed a Cadalagh ring in Xander's finger, reciting the vows that he had heard in the ceremony. It was only a sign, since he already knew that his soul was forever bounded to the teenager's, even without the spell. It was also the only time when he kissed his beloved. After he had recited the vows, promising to be at Xander's side forever, he was mesmerized by the teenager's face. He leaned down and brushed the warm lips, the only intimate contact he would ever have with his beloved.

The first one to die was Buffy, followed by Riley. Giles lived more years than expected, but even so, he died too. Then Willow, and Tara. Angel never knew what happened to Oz, but when the first hundred years passed, he supposed that he would be gone too. The last one to die was Anya, perhaps because of her demonic nature. She came to visit Angel very often, and watched Xander sleep. Even when it was never spoken, Angel knew that the ex-demoness still loved Xander, and that she had never recovered from loosing him.

After Anya died, Angel moved to L.A. There was nothing to tie him to Sunnydale anymore, no one to tell him to stay.

Of course, he took Xander with him.

The routine was pretty much the same as in Sunnydale. With the help of a half-demon, he fought against the forces of darkness to return every dawn at his beloved's side. And it was only when he saw the peaceful smile, when the teenager sighed in his sleep, when Angel realized that he could never let himself die. As long as he kept walking on earth, Xander would be alive, and the hope of finding a way to wake him up would continue. In the mean time, he had to be strong. And watch his beloved sleep.

The End.