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The Very Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck

By: Cassandra Claire

Dedicated to Ashley, my very own Ashwise Gamgee. Everyone should have one.

DAY ONE

Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when “washing dishes” punishment followed by “polishing Gandalf’s staff” punishment and “massaging Gandalf’s feet” punishment and “nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch” punishment, I mean, who’s he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing.

DAY TWO

V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.

All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.

DAY THREE

Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf “The Gray” earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.

DAY FIVE

Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn’t happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin’s belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what?

DAY SIX

Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said “That’s not what you said last night.” After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, “I’m really meant to be King, you know.” Sure he is, and I’m the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.

DAY SEVEN

In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.

DAY NINE

Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!

DAY ELEVEN

Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything.

Hope he tries something.

DAY FIFTEEN

Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us “little ones” to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo’s hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.

DAY SIXTEEN

Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old ‘Horn of Gondor’ trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.

DAY NINETEEN

Am in bad mood. Boromir called me “Pippin” at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.

DAY TWENTY

Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, “Not much difference really, eh?” In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, “Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables.” Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.

DAY TWENTY-TWO

Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas’ nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself – far too many high kicks.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps….no, certainly not.

DAY THIRTY

Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.