WITH PAT MORGAN
What?
Pat is that guy who will eat anything for a quarter. Don't you remember
him from IHOP? Anyway we tracked Pat Morgan down in LSSU with the help of
former team member Anthony Ciatti. Pat Morgan believe it or not HAND
WROTE these answers. It took him 3 hours. Here are his 20
Questions! Hand written from LSSU!
email me at [email protected], I want to see
what you think.
1. Who are you, where do you live, and what do you do?
I am the living personification of the unknown, In the Oxford
Dictionary my picture resides under the term "enigma." My
presence has once been prophesized as the "return of the prodigal
son." My vessel (body) is currently in Sault Saint Marie Michigan,
but my spirit lives within the hearts of my beloved friends. With being
charged with protecting the virtue of mankind, I am oblidged to do many
things. These obligations include infiltration, via telepathic means, of
evil men's minds (i.e. Bob Saget), helping philanthropic organizations, and
avoiding to burn marshmellows while I roast them over a blazing campfire.
"How about some hot sauce for you, Quinn
Buckner"-
A.J. Ciatti.
2. When were you first introduced to the team and what did you think?
I first heard of Peatage while on an archeological dig in Peru. I
found the word "PEETAGE" etched into an Incan sacraficial altar
10,ooo ft. up in the Andes Mnts. I then wired my good friend, Indiana
Jones, and told him of my revolutionary find. He thought it fitting to
name his Livonia softball team Peetage
because they always killed and drank the blood of their defeated opponents,
just like the Incas. I thought that that was cool, because twenty years
later the name is still the same and we still kill our competition.
3. What past baseball experience do you have?
To be honest with you, I invented the game. Actually I invented
its antecedent--known as "rounders" which derived from cricket--it
enjoyed only limited popularity in Great Britain, but versions of the game
began to appear in the early 1830's in America. I later commissioned the
first salaried team, the Cincinatti Red stockings, in 1869. I later lost
the team in a game of dice and didn't resurface in the world of baseball until
Peatage.
4. On a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being a smashed cookie and
10 being a twizzler in a puddle of motor oil, rate the following ball players:
Ryan Molloy= Controversy over Cuba
Mark McGwire= In december, Texas became a state
Pat Morgan= Sectionalism vs. Nationalism
Pat Sheridan= Muckdaar (Swahili for
"Chisum Trai)
Barry Bonds= Barry Bondsifile??
5. You don't have a Peetage profile or even a mention on the history
page. Although, you are mentioned every month in the Notes from under the
blue hat article. How do you feel about that?
This is not the first time my accomplishments went unnoticed, when I led
the Hebrews out of Egypt and I parted the Red Sea, my cousin, Moses, got all
the attention because he was more photogenic. I also remember when I
traded the original draft of the Declaration of Independence for a bottle of
Guiness. Now all of history considers my buddy T.J.Jefferson the father of the
Declaration. The punk didn't even write a "thank you." It
is odd how your accomplishments are forgotten when the stupid things, like
drinking jugs of blueberry syrup, are etched in the minds of society as if it
is a vision of the resurrection of Chris Farley.
6. Even though Pat Morgan only played one game he still doesn't hold any
Peetage awards. What's up with that?
There does not happen to be any award encouraging people to try to eat
as many napkins as possible. WHen you are the only person doing
something, that something does not seem to merit an award. If I could
have any award, I would like to win the Pulitzer Prize for foreign relations
with Djbouti.
7. Tell us a good story about the guys on our team.
The most versatile player on the team is most definitely Mathew Wayne
Markin. This man is not only an excellent Polo player, but he accels in
many other faculties also. He also happen to be a businessman, he owns a
food chain known as Steak n' Shake. He hires Botswana immigrants to pick
the hot peppers to save money and to make the prices oh so competitive.
Matt also happens to write novels. His latest novel is fiction and is about a
mouse, named jeeters, who met a kangeroo and their offspring infested the world
and usurped the power of man. Good stuff. Matt also likes longs
walks on the beach, poetry and paintings of unicorns.
8. Finish these sentences:
If a stranger touches your butt,
would
you like it?
The best thing about our website is the fact that you convey the
truth about Joseph McCarthy. You're right, he is a vindictive, spitefull and
epileptic man, opposed to the loving man, who is traditionally portrayed as
being a avid comic book collector by historians.
One time when no one was looking I admitted that Lance Bass used to
stay over at my house and we used to play with naked Barbie dolls. I
stopped when he started to lick naked Ken's phantom testacles. yucky...
I could probably eat Carl if I wanted to because actually Carl does not
tase bad. When we went backpacking on the Patagonia Plateau, we became
lost. Within the week we ran out of our rations, consisting mostly of
GORP and Moon Pies. Our party became desperate, so the loser of a games of
swords would be eaten for the
ultimate survival of the group. Fortunately, Carl lost. He really
did not taste that
bad, and I look forward to backpacking with the rest of Carl's siblings, get
"lost", and enjoy another gourmet meal. I still beleive that
Carl speaks to me when my tummy rumbles.
One of the strangest things I've eaten is a tomato. They're discusting.
I work like a crazy man because when I was younger an emu kicked me in the
nogg'n. This mishap bruised the left hemisphere of my frontal cerebellum,
which induces me to have random fits of madness. I use this craziness
positively by
working extra hard to achieve my life goal: Which is finding and
befriending Oscar
the Grouch, get him evicted, and to live the rest of my life in a garbage can.
If I had one wish I would wish for prostetic foreheads, which I
would place on my real forehead.
9. Your stats are as follows. In the summer of 2001 you played 1
game, had 4 at bats, 1 hit, and a batting average of .250. How did you
not make it into our hall of fame?
Unlike some players, I only play after 12, and I only play with neatly trimmed
grass on the field. This disqualifies me from the coveted HofF.
10. What are your 3 favorite things about Peetage?
It contains the words "Pee", "Age" and
"Gat" within its mystical alphabetical assembly. THey also do
not play Backgammon in Tulsa.
11. If you were stuck in an elevator and could have 2 teammates with you,
who would they be and why?
I would like to be stuck with Tom Cruise, because if he can do anything
that he does in his movies, this problem would be easily remedied. I
Would also like Lancelot to be there so I can get some PR and maybe talk my way
into the round table. Being able to speak of my chivalric achievements
might enable to join forces with other Knights of the ROund to enforce peace
and harmony throughout the land. I want to cleave my sword, deerkisser,
through the scalp of a warrior of the seventh circle of hell.
12. What do you remember about the following years:
1981= Minute Maid was successfully transfused into human
beings as a blood supplement.
1982= May I tickle your quinny?
1991= President Bush described the persuasively evil
properties of broccoli.
1997= Mad cow disease was intentionally spread to
inhabitants of the island of Java, popularly called "The Bastard Children
of Karl Molone", which causes them to abandon the plans of Phase Two.
2002= The sport "Whip" was invented by Anthony
Ciatti, which is when two parties are raised on a forty foot platform and
continually whip each other with three foot long twizzlers until one of the
athletes convulses, foams at the mouth, ceases oxygen supply to blood, stops
breathing and yells, "Aunte."
13. Who is your favorite former Peetage player and why? (Ex: Lorne
Trupiano, Kyle Galan,Scott Matuisky, Craig Kelley, Anthony Ciatti, Jason
Buntine, Jeff Wade, Gary Ushiro, Matt Ritzler, Pat Morgan, Ryan Molloy, Mike
Mies, Don, Brad MacDonald Jimmy "airwolf" Moore, Scott Krimm's
brother in law)
George Cobb is easily my hero. He is the only ball player who used
bound spagetti
noodles as a bat. Despite his .000 ave., I still emulate his vision of
noodle bats.
14. Has Pat Morgan ever:
Unhinged his jaw and ate a whole turkey= What is your dfinition of
"Turkey."
Hanged the toilet paper in the improper underhand fashion= I want
to study English History and Literature in the United Kingdom.
Fibbed during a questionaire? Lying is a sin, of course not.
Ate at Arby's because he was out of syrup and parmesean cheese to eat=
Felt honored that he is mentioned every month in the Notes from under the blue
hat article= Are you sure you know my name?
Just wanted to dance= I once slept in a carribou carcas for three
months, while on tour with Jessy Jackson.
15. Tell us one thing about yourself that the team doesn't already know.
I shed dead epidermis cells.
16. If you could be Carl for one day, what would you do with yourself and
to others?
I would sky dive, but instead of diving, I would give in to my alter
ego, Sorbet, and travel to Lhasa, Tibet to live the rest of my life as a
professional race car driver.
17. Word Association. Mention the first thing that comes to you when you
hear:
I like
Wood Duck!
Old country buffet= Jimmy Buffet.
Peetage= A prototype for the Eiffle Tower was a 400 foot tall
Guillotine
IHOP syrup=coating the digesting remnants of carl in my tummy
Tim Orow's cats= casey's pelvis
Someone spilled beer in the ashtray! It's still good, it's still good= La beuna
vida
Blind monkey spank= more than meets the eye.
18. Make up your own question and answer it here.
18. Is Marvin Gaye gay? ?sgaf eb t'nac nem
daeD
p.s.
use a mirror.
19. LIGHTNING ROUND: Which does Pat Morgan prefer:
Paper or plastic= Latex, paper would be abrasive, and plastic
doesn't breathe. Saran wrap is a legit alternative, Reynolds wrap is not.
Coke or Pepsi= Heroin
Baseball or hockey= whip
Alan Brandemil or Jose Rodriguez= The infamous Colombian druglord
who smuggles coke by freezing 10 mg of it with 1ooml of H20 into ice cubes,
than using the ice cubes to keep a freight of Marlin fresh. The feds will
look in the fish, but not the ice. This man is brilliant, so I will let
you guess which man he is.
Eating a placemat or eating a napkin= HIstory is a
fable...agreed upon by others.
20. Did you enjoy your 20 Questions Pat Morgan? (Also use this space to say
anything you want or plug your stuff/website/merchandise.)
I do have "merchandise" that I would like to sell. If you are
interested, spin three times while yelling "masturbation kills
kittens," and the wares, price, and destination of transaction will
magically appear on a little paper beneath your pillow.
.
.
.
-if u bothered to scroll down this far......
...you should forfeit your free will.
=====
Ummm. Thanks for the interview Pat.....I guess.