WITH MATT MARKEN  11/8/01

Disclaimer: Throughout this interview you may notice several derogatory comments about "your mom", the universal your mom. So don't take it too seriously, enjoy.

1. You are Peatage's homerun champion...Compare/contrast yourself to Barry Bonds...

Well now, Barry hits dingers, I hit dingers better. I figure that because I use less drugs than him I define what a real homerun is. How can you respect a guy whose initials are BB.

2. If you were stuck in an elevator and could have 2 teammates with you, who would they be and why?

Without a doubt that would be Casey and Jim Bradow. There's no telling what chaos would go on with that motley crue under the same roof. Or maybe Carl so he can pry the doors open with his special tool.  I don't think Jimmy "airwolf" Moore and Timmy Poopers would be a good choice for this question.

3. How many years will it take Peatage to win a championship?

1 year after we cut off the dead weight. In other words, next year.  We have fun and thats what it's all about.

4. If someone made a bobblehead of Matt Marken, what feature do you think they would mess up?

The pants. They need to be 29x32. It's not easy getting me into pants. Other than that I should carry a big bat and a Demartini as well.

5. On a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being a schmuck and 10 being an all star,
rate the following ball players:

Lance Parrish: 7 because I've heard of this guy...tigers right?
Don Mattingly: 7, CUT THOSE SIDE BURNS
Philippe Burney: 69.54, by the way, it's PHILIPPE!
Sixto Lezcano: 10, I got no beef with Sixto
Tim Marken: 53561 (prisoner number)

6. What past baseball experience do you have?

Livonia youth softball....sucked. 1 year of hardball... sucked, and I invented the word Peetage which went on to become the most schpedoinkel team of all time.

7. Your dad is a fireman, has he ever ran around the house making siren sounds?

No, he just hoses down those little ratts that ride by on their bikes and kick over our garbage cans while yelling SUCKERS! He became a fireman because he's good with the hose. He can make it feel like its raining. Or he can make a mist like you're taking a walk along the beach.  My dad can beat your dad (see question 15)

8. Can you solve the mystery of where you are when your mom invites me over?

At your moms house. She's like bacon in the morning.

9. What really happened to your third brother?

What really happened to your third nipple?

10. What's the deal with the 80's music....really?

Ahh. Well some is upbeat and fun. Some is raging like Carl. It's what catches my ear I guess. Everyone likes something different, and I like your mom. If we were all the same we'd all be really bored.  I rock and roll all night and party everyday....well more like every other day.

11. Finish these sentences:

The best thing about our website is the homerun champion
My favorite opposing player is that fruitcake playing catcher that kept jumping in puddles.
Motley Crue are my heroes because they're the kings of sleeze metal. Let's count how many hot chicks the crue has banged other than your mom. Pamela Anderson, Bobbie Brown, Donna Dierrco, Heidi Mark, Brandy Brant, Heather Locklear, and so on.
Sometimes when no ones watching, I bathe with monkeys
If I had one wish I would wish for a full time job I actually liked, Tim Orows wonderful chip dip and cake, world peace, some nachos would be nice, and since I already had your mom, that's all.

12. What do you remember about the following years:

1978= I was born at St. Marys hospital in Livonia. Backwards Livonia is ainovil (analville).
1986= The best albums of the 80's in 86. Too bad I was only 8 years old at the time.
1992= 14, hmm, I was actually a little chunky believe it or not. School and your mom sucked at this time.
1996= High school graduation and having the best job ever with Carl at the Farmington hills ice arena. One time Carl got pissed and threw me in the melt pit.  It was then that he changed his name to Carl to intimidate people more.  I guess Marion Buttercup wasn't working for him.
2001= Getting through another Peetage season, almost graduating, scoring with your mom, and the formation of Backseat Rhythm.

13. Has Matt Marken ever secretly thought...

Spelling it P-E-A-T-A-G-E really isn't that bad? I've never thought such a thing.  Peetage means anything you want it to mean so there is no real right or wrong answer when concerning Peetage.
I could play shortstop better than anyone? Secretly? That's a well known fact....UNTIL Jimmy Bradow hit that grounder into my throat and I needed x-rays.
I wonder if I could run so fast my legs are in a cloud? BEEP BEEP!
Sideburns would look good on me? Chicks dig The Fonze
I wonder why everyone else is so slow? I only carry 145lbs. I'm very wind resistant.

14. Who is your favorite former Peatage player? (Ex: Lorne, Kyle, Scott,
Jeff, Gary, Ritz, Jimmy "airwolf" Moore, Mark (Scott Krimm's brother in law))

Is there any question about it? Scott Krimm's brother in law only played one game, but that one game was more magical than all the jackets and homie hats you could get your hands on.  Side bar:  A former Peetage player will be answering a 20 questions interview soon.  I propose a new poll on the homepage.  We should have everyone guess who is doing the interview.  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

15. Mike O'Neil vs. Bill Marken....what kind of match would this be?

Well it can't be a ladder match because Fire Marshall Bill does that for a living. And it can't be a bread truck match for obvious reasons. So I would have to say a chair match because they both have their respective recliners. The first one to get up and go to the bathroom loses. DQ if anyone wears depends under garments.

16. Word association. Mention the first thing that comes to you when you
hear:

Drums= ROCK
Firehose= Long
schpadoinkel= Bear trap
Carls woman= Too many to list.
Squirrel= Don't you fockers have anything else to do?

17. If you could be Carl for a day, what would you do with yourself, and to others?

I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen. What Matt said was unprintable. Not only because it's revealing the secrets of Carl, but also because it's just too graphic for the average mind.....screw that, this is what it would really be like......I would sit on a park bench flipping off people at random.  Then when they get all pissed off I'll show them my name tag, which says "Carl".  If after that they still don't get it I can rip out their heart with my fist and show them how black it is before they die.  Thats what I would do with others.  Oh yeah, I would also screw any hot girl I see at random because they'll let me, I'm Carl.  What I would do with myself?  Well, I don't even know what the real Carl does with himself.  He's a man of mystery.  If I was Carl I would do absolutely nothing and then later judging by the repercussions figure out what Carl really does.

18. Talk about a time in your life when you felt melancholy.

Melancholy: an abnormal state attributed to an excess of black bile and characterized by irascibility or depression. Hmm, I don't get depressed anymore really. I laugh at stupid people that try to change me or put me down. I'm comfortable with who I am, so suck my feces.

19. What type of offseason workouts does a homerun champion do?

I walk to the mailbox instead of taking the car.

20. Did you enjoy your 20 questions Matt Marken? (Also use this space to say anything you want or plug your stuff/website/merchandise)

I enjoyed your mom. The 20 questions were also schpedoinkel. I'd like to plug www.peatage.com and soon available on the Peetage Merchandise page will be a lifesize molding of the leading dingers dinger, enjoy ladies